‘He’ is a man I met in November 2005. I had seen him before we officially met for about 2 years around town and being that he only lives around the corner from me I’d see him on a very regular schedule. Each time I caught a glipse/smile/wave from him it filled my naughty mind for several days afterwards…I fantasized about him taking me, I could almost taste him & feel his thrusts. I think I was so drawn to him because I had heard he cheated on his wife and that (in my delusional mind) created possibility. I never thought it would really ever happen. I was a married woman. Things like that shouldn’t happen if you have a good, strong marriage. I didn’t. My insatiable sex drive created resentment, disgust, disrespect and suspicion in my marriage. I was miserable. My husband hated finding out how open I felt about sex and made life miserable for me. More than a dozen years dedicated to building a home & family and I was chastised for finally becoming mature enough to share with hubby some of my darkest, dirtiest desires. I guess his trophy wife wasn’t that classy lady she portrayed in public afterall. Little does he know what he’s missing out on now.
Anyway, I am definitely not proud of my infidelity. The night I met ‘him’ I had been out with a girlfriend for drinks & dinner at a place downtown. ‘He’ walked into the bar with another man and a woman. I locked my eyes onto him uncontrollably. He walked past my table & we said hello, just like all the times before. He sat right across from me. He positioned himself facing me, legs spread wide towards me and I could see the outline of his huge bulge.
Divorce papers on my counter at home waiting for my signature.
When I got home & climbed into bed and my husband (inevitably) rolled over & wanted to fuck, I realized the severity of what I had just done. Hubby was sweet and attentive and genuinely happy that I had had a good time with my girlfriend, but wished I hadn’t stayed out so late or at least called to let him know I was ok. I couldn’t have sex with him…ever again. Something overwhelmed me and I just couldn’t allow him to make love to me after another man was inside me. We lived together another 3 months (completely sexless which was very strange because going even 2 days without sex before the infidelity was unheard of).
I couldn’t get enough of that Donkey but he kept me at arms length away. Occasionally letting me suck him and rarely fucking. He kept telling me he wanted to just be friends. But his body language was telling me something else. I’d detach myself from him and go about my business and he’d always end up calling me up & luring me back in. I was always hungry to see him. We’d spend a little time together, getting closer & closer then he’d pull the ‘I just wanna be friends’ thing again. I’d be crushed. Heartbroken. I’d promise myself not to fall for it again the next time. I’d always fall for it. Hopeful that he was getting a soft spot for me & that he was ready to move forward together. Nope, we just went back & forth. I started to become numb to it. In June I finally just accepted that he & I will never move forward. I was itching to go to Hawaii. I planned on going alone and mentioned it to him. He said he’d go with me. WHAT!? I made all the arrangements, we’d go late July. I noticed a big change in him. He was paying more attention to me. He was calling more. I felt so incredible but I was also very guarded. We discussed expectations and I told him I had none other than he treat me with respect. I thought that this trip would decide our future one way or the other and I was prepared for the worst.
The trip was great. The best part for me happened on the second night there, he asked to hold my hand. It was late at night & we were walking by the beach. When he took my hand I just started crying. He didn’t see. He just kept on talking. I don’t think my feet were even on the ground. I have no idea what he was saying. He was holding my hand.
After we got back, he & I were almost inseparable. Mid August we decided to be exclusive to one another. I felt so complete. I could tell him anything. I didn’t have to hide any part of me or my past. I felt free and accepted. Everything was just perfect. I had him over for dinner a few days after our committment talk. We cooked together in the kitchen. Talking and laughing and really enjoying one another. At one point he looked at me and said, ‘you know, this is the first time in a really long time that I have really wanted to be faithful to a girlfriend and it feels so good’. He went on, telling me how special I was to him…I think I even cried because it really was special. I was so content! After dinner, we cleaned up & he went home. Several hours later I got a call from him. He told me a friend of his was stranded in the cold without any money and crying and since he couldn’t leave his house he asked me if I could go help her. I told him no, that I was tired. He told me he would call her a cab, have the cab swing by his house so he could pay for it & she’d go home. He invited me to come over so that I wouldn’t worry about what I thought may happen between them. I declined, I had to work in the morning and it was way late. He assured me I had nothing to worry about. That he wasn’t attracted to her in any way. I trusted him. Why wouldn’t I? He just told me a few hours before how good he felt about us. I fell asleep confident in him. I woke up, got ready & went to work. He called me to say good morning & sounded cheerful, but didn’t bring up his middle of the night fiasco. I just sensed something strange. I let it go. He called me several times that day…never once saying a word about what happened. I didn’t ask. After I got home from work he came over. He was friendly. But something was wrong. We sat on my back porch and I asked him how it went with the stranded woman. He said good. I asked what happened. He said they just sat & talked. Hmmmm, that wasn’t the plan, she was supposed to just pick some cash up from you for her cab fare…but now she actually came inside…and you talked!? What happened? Tell me now. His head slumped and I couldn’t believe it. He said, ‘something happened that shouldn’t have.’ I said, ‘get the fuck out’. He tried telling me that it wasn’t what I thought. But when I asked what exactly IT was he said he couldn’t remember exactly. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW!