This post is an e-mail I wrote to him that was prompted by a voicemail message he left me, when he couldn’t get ahold of me the night that he told me he cheated on me. He accused me of now going out & cheating on him for revenge.
That’s funny. ****, I don’t need to have sex with people to make myself feel better or validate myself and I certainly never would do it for revenge. I know people have feelings. Well, most people do. You must be speaking from experience. From the voice mails I’m getting apparently you used it for revenge. I hope you feel better now. I hope you feel validated. I hope it was worth it. She must be a pretty special girl. You just threw away alot. Do **** & ******* like her? I bet they just adore her. Too bad she wasn’t the one to help you with ***** room. Or to sit with ******* yesterday & read magazines with her. Your poor children. What a fool I was to think you were ever serious. What a fool I was to believe the words you said. What a fool I was to let you into my soul and my mind and my heart so fully. I trusted you. Nothing you’ve ever told me has been the truth. You say one thing but your actions spoke otherwise. Your last message…the one about me going to fuck around tonight proves to me that you’re looking for any little sign from me that’ll allow you to go & delve into whatever it is that you do. Things that we were moving into doing together. I’m sure **** will happily oblige you. Thanks for kicking me when I’m down. Thanks for being there to prove to me that people do use me. Take advantage of me. I wish I could take back all my intimate thoughts I let you have now. I wish I could take back how deeply I cared for you. I wish I could take back how unconditionally I loved you. I wish I could erase your voice in my head telling me how this was the first time in a long time that you really wanted to be faithful. Just a day ago or so, you said you were glad I didn’t give up on you. Thanks ****. You know what feels really good? I stuck to my word. I told you I’d never hurt you. I looked you in the eye and told you and meant it with all my heart. I didn’t give in to any temptation. That thing that happened with the phone guy happen well before you and I were serious and you fucking know it. We lasted what? 13 days? I doubt it was even that long. I bet you couldn’t swear on ******** life that you didn’t fuck around before ****. Pathetic. What do you even go to church for? Appearances? What a joke. I don’t need to go to church to make myself think about what’s important in my life. What was I to you? Oh! I know. *** told me. I was the ‘in between girl’. The girl that you don’t give a shit about and use while you wait for someone else to come along. I hope you find that girl or guy or whatever it is that you’re looking for. I hope they enrich your life in a good & healthy way and also travel with you down that delicious path of debauchery. I hope they love those children of yours and worship you everyday and I hope you finally open your eyes to it and let them in fully.
Thank you for identifying and confronting ALL the key points. I will keep this and read it often. If only I had you to instruct me in my ways a long time ago. Clearly, you are the superior person *****.
I can have the stuff back to you by this weekend.
I’d rather have you than that stuff. But I need you to be absolutely serious and not think this is some sort of game. I need to see you. I need to talk to you. I need to believe in you. In all ways. We really need to talk.