Christmas 2006


He & I have been having such a hard time. He’s been using what I’ve been up to as an excuse to not be with me. A few weeks before Christmas he & I decided that we would spend New Years Eve together…no matter what we ended up doing…we’d be together.

I   h e l d   o n t o   t h a t   t h r o u g h   i t   a l l.

The Thursday before Christmas I went to his house to visit briefly with him & his kids. His son asked about my kids. I told him I’d have them Friday. He looked to his Dad & told him that he didn’t want to go to the BBQ at ****** house, that he wanted to stay with me. **** said they had already committed to the BBQ…**** asked if I could go too. **** looked at me and said, ‘yeah, I guess. The more the merrier, right?’ I told them I’d think it over.

Friday, BBQ

My heart was broken. That wasn’t a genuine invitation. I told him I wasn’t going to go. He told me again & again that he really wanted me to go. I didn’t. I asked him if I could call him that night. He told me not to call if it was in the middle of the night. I didn’t call. At all.

Saturday

He called me on his way back. Said he had to meet his ex-wife to drop the kids off at 10:45 a.m. He called back again at 12:30 p.m. and he said he’d just dropped the kids off and just finished washing his truck. He only had a few hours before he had to go get his kids & go to his brothers house for a Holiday party. He called a few more times, telling me how behind he was & how he desperately needed a babysitter. I just listened. That night he went to the party. I didn’t hear from him until Sunday night, Christmas Eve. I was crushed, alone.

Christmas Day

He never called. I went past his house on my way to my Family’s Christmas party and noticed he was home. I stopped. He was outside. He saw me & we walked inside together. We stood in the kitchen. He started crying. We held eachother for a long time. My heart is broken. I wanted to hate him. I hated him all morning. All weekend. All the previous week. He’s crying in my arms and I love him. We sit in his living room & share a bottle of champagne. Talking. He tells me he has his kids for New Years Eve. I’ll be alone again. I understood why. I didn’t yell. I didn’t bitch, nag, complain…I understood. It hurt. Alot. I had to leave.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

We decided to exchange our gifts. I was hesitant to give him mine. It meant more to me than I think I meant to him. It was a very a personal, meaningful, expensive gift. I felt as if I was forcing him to come over so that we could finalize Christmas. I was not into it. I wanted to see him, but didn’t want to bare the emotions of the gift exchange.

The kids were all so happy. I was suffering inside but seeing them made me happy. He & I ended up getting into a touchy conversation. He brought up New Years Eve and asked what I’d be doing. Since I had gone back & forth with it it was still unsettled, until then. I told him I’d invited my friend ***** to go to Tahoe or Reno with me. He was angry. I told him that I couldn’t be alone for it. He didn’t understand and said some mean things to me. I separated myself & went into my bedroom to cry. I begged SOMEONE to help us. I cried. When I came out, he’d served dinner. I got my plate & sat down & ate. He asked me to sit next to him, so, I did. He turned to me & apologized for what he’d said and said he understood my decision.

After we ate, we all gathered to open gifts.

I gave him mine.

I sat down & his to me were placed in my lap.

I opened the first of three from him. It was a nice bottle of red wine. My favorite. Then I started on the next one. He began to open his. I slowed down to watch him & I started crying. He consoled me and kept opening my gift. He got the paper off, and opened the box. He took the velvet pouch out and opened it up. He poured the bracelet out into his palm. I cried. My heart hurt. It still hurts. He hugged me. He asked me why I was crying. I told him that I had wanted that bracelet to mean more about our realtionship than it does now. He said it means whatever I want it to mean. I wanted it to mean HE is MINE and that I am committed to changing what I’d been doing to create trouble in our relationship. I opened my next gift. A 5 pack of Bic lighters. Then the last one, a magazine rack. Nothing personal. Nothing to show I meant more to him. Nothing to imply there was a future for us. I was empty feeling inside but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. It’s really not material things that show your feelings, but it would have been very nice to have something personal from him.

I never have.

I guess I wasn’t worth it.

We spent as much time together that night as we could.

We exchanged e-mails afterwards:

****,

Thank you for coming & spending some time here with us. It really meant alot to me. I felt as if you were more open to me tonight than you have been in the past 4 months. I sensed your genuine thoughts & feelings and it makes me more comfortable to open myself up to be responsive to your intentions.

Thank you for the gifts too! I am so glad the kids got along as well as they did. Perhaps they sensed contentment all around.

I have faith. Merry Christmas.

His response:

I enjoyed myself as well, and I too am happy the way the youngns got along.

Faith is a great thing, as is wisdom, however if ones wisdom is not shown through their actions, are they wise at all?

Would a wise one call it an aura of contentment all around, or just what they sense themselves?

Are you content?

Do you consider yourself wise?

Happy New Year!

Mine:

Interesting thought.

I’ve spent a whole year wondering the same thing. Perhaps wisdom has nothing to do with it? We know right from wrong. A persons true character determines their actions not necessarily their wisdom. A persons character is not something that changes to suit their situation. At least not someone that is truly confident in who they are. Your character keeps you from doing things you shouldn’t and that can’t be snuffed out (in a situation) like one’s wisdom can.

I am wise.
I am content.
Perhaps the children sensed my contentment filling the space and my wisdom tricked me into thinking it was contentment all around? My wisdom then reminded me of your character over the past year.

Happy New Year to you as well!

His:

Well then, after considerable thought………………..

The same back to you.

I guess we are seeing the true characters that we are.

Thank you that message was very helpful.

Mine:

And what has your wisdom told you about my character over the past year? Hmmm?

His:

I have learned a lot about you and me over the past year.

My actions have not always been such that I can be proud of, therefore I can not comment on anyone else.

Besides, only when we examine ourselves through complete honesty can we see the wrong doings and mistakes that we have made.

I can never go back and change the past, but I have control of the future.

Mine (in black) and his (in blue):

Very well put!

The glimpses I’ve seen of the person I know you strive to be is the one that I want. Not the one that has tried to break my spirit. But because of the pain I’ve gone through with that unwanted **** I’ve come to know all too well…I’m stronger than ever. All my senses feel open. I am much more aware of myself and what I do and how it affects you.
I don’t think you really know how this is affecting me.
You’re absolutely right, no one can change the past. We only have now and merely hope for what’s to come in the future. I’m very aware of what that means, to me.
If you are aware of that, you aren’t doing much to change the now
I’m really sad that we won’t be spending New Years Eve together. This holiday (and the last several months) has/have been nothing but disappointment after disappointment for me. I am looking forward to passing through the threshold into 2007 with a new outlook, new insight (teeheehee! a new figure!) and new goals. And putting, not only the bad parts in 2006 behind me, but putting the negativity from the past 3 years behind me too. Maybe next year I’ll try something easier as a resolution, like quitting smoking…LOL!
Remember when I looked you in the eye, and told you “I want this to be a good Christmas, a good holiday season together. We cant do it {like this}.

I will not hear ANYTHING about YOUR disappointments about this time. You made your choice and are still making your choices, and I am the one sitting.


I’m going to miss you terribly. We really should be together for New Years, but I understand your decision. Had I known it was that that made you commit to not being with me I would have stopped it. But you know as well as I that there was a very strong possibility we would have gotten weak together and given in to temptation. I think you assumed that I knew you were as serious as you are…so many times before you said the same thing to me and ended up going back on your word. How am I supposed to know when you’re serious or not when you say what you did? Well, I know now. I’m spending New Years Eve in Tahoe with someone I hardly know because I refuse to sit at home alone waiting for you to accept me. I feel you thought it was better you broke our date for New Years Eve.
You are going for your own reasons. Faith and trust are something that is a must, you said you understood that, Yet now you are telling me “how are you supposed to know ?’

***** I also told you that “I don’t want a girlfriend that is {like that}” Did you think I wasn’t serious then?”You said right there “I just got a dear john”

That was when you knew what you were going to do. I just sat back and watched you throw it away.

If you were going to do that , you would have, I told you on Christmas how it is,

This is all excuses, just like last night.

It shows me whats important to you.


I miss that person that looked me in the eyes and told me how he felt about a future with me. I guess I miss the sparkle I saw at one point, in your eyes. I am definitely mourning the loss.

I love you ****.
Happy New Year.
*


I was SOOOOOO innocent back then! Innocence IS bliss!

Its all gone!

This final e-mail was created 12/30/06.

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