Clouded


This e-mail was sent to him 9/28/06.

Everything that has happened lately has me really wondering about your real feelings ****. I’m beginning to feel that you’re not being true to me or true to yourself about what you want. You know (maybe too well) how I feel. Aside from me not telling the truth about the amount, I have been completely genuine & honest. When I think back to the things you’ve said to me, then compare them to your actions I can’t make it make sense. Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, I am extremely depressed right now, but just this morning I asked if you read my letter and you hadn’t even gotten it out of the mailbox. If that were me and I felt the way you say you do that letter would have been read & acknowledged & knowing me, you’d have a reply already. Instead, it sat there all night. Sunday was another example, you refused to talk to me about the issues we were having, then agreed. Just to go & disappear with her. And to find out that she was even there when you were blowing smoke up my ass about it being important to you to reseolve it too. Do you even see how that makes me look? And when you were sneaking around my house earlier in the evening, peeking in my windows…what exactly was it you were hoping to see me doing? Then Tuesday, accusing me of setting all that shit up so I could get ***** here to fuck him and telling your whole family. I called ***** because I was desperate, because I needed help because I knew you were out of control. He cared enough (although I know you’d argue this until you were blue in the face) about you & me to get himself into that situation. ***** would have done the same thing. Yes, I know it was wrong now. But my intentions were to purely settle the air surrounding he & I and I thought it may help you realize how serious what happened on Sunday was. I can say now for a fact, I will never show my face at any ********** gathering again, ever. This situation coupled with how you told me you felt when I was at ****** BBQ speaks loud & clear to me. I’m actually glad you called *****, she should have known to begin with. And I understand why she’s upset. She has every right to be. You also had a valid reason to be upset, but no one bothered to believe a word we said. You know, I am sure ***** has told you what he said to me but let me repeat it, he said, “you better not hurt my brother you fucking bitch”. Then hung up on me before I could even defend myself. He practically screamed that in the phone to me. I understand he’s protecting you, but all I could think of was, ‘what about how **** is treating me, if I weren’t already hurting this wouldn’t be happening?’ I DO NOT deserve any of that. You wrecked my dignity. It’ll never be repaired and that’s not sitting very well with me. I am sorry for not telling him to leave while you listened. I was pissed about your accusations, I was pissed at how you yelled at me and called me a stupid bitch, I was pissed that I was being blamed for really not knowing where you were and being accused of knowing all along when you know damn well you never verified where you were exactly. And my suspicion was based on your past disappearances. Turn the tables ****. Think about it. If it were my intention to get ***** to my house to fuck him I surely wouldn’t have called you to come over right away. You & I would not be in this situation right now. It’s the drug creating these situations for you and I’m done with dealing with your paranoia! I’d like to believe that I’m important and that you care and that you want to be with me unconditionally, but from your pattern of things I have a valid concern. I really need to know where I stand. I need proof, not just your word. It shouldn’t be hard if you really mean it. I won’t sit on hold for very long. By saying to me that you’re going to be there for me so I can ‘get through this time because you feel somewhat responsible’ and that we’ll assess everything once that’s over with is putting me on hold, buying you time to see how you really feel. Please don’t do that to me ****. Please. I’ll end up making the decision for you.

And his response…

Thank you.

If you want to sit down and go over this, we can and I will answer your questions. I admit, I acted on impulse when I discovered ***** was at your house and I should not have made the call to ***** or *****.

It will be easier to determine our true feelings now. I meant that I needed time to heal from the hurts of the past week, and get a clear head.

I’m sorry for making you into the bad person that you are not. I apologized to ***** on Tuesday am, but I don’t think he acceptefd it.

If you need answers now I still say, “time will tell”. If you do not accept that , that’s your decision.

I am more than a friend to you and you know this. I care for you and want you to be well. I want to know ***** I want to be the one she talks to, and confides in!

Oh; Thankx! That was a great lunch Mrs. Cleaver!

 

This is all still a huge problem for us.

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