Epiphany!


Written 10/1/06:

Hi ****,

Last Friday and Saturday we talked briefly about things. I got a lot from the conversations even though they were short. You said you thought I need my space to re-prioritize my life. You also said that I have nothing to offer you anymore, that my life is a mess and I’m no good for you. I remember you also saying that I need to get a life.

I’ve given what you said a lot of thought and I admit that I’ve placed far too much importance on you being in my life. The damage came when I placed more importance on you than myself.

Your comments changed my whole outlook. I had let negativity take over. Since those conversations I feel completely different. Humbled, healthier, more productive, independent, confident and no longer scared of things. I learned from this that no one will be there for me but me, no one will care for me but me, I can trust no one but myself. No one is going to make it better for me, only I can do that. Had I learned this lesson 10-15 years ago I would probably still be married. Perhaps this was the reason you came into my life?

I only have one option now-keep moving. I have so much good in my life. Although some may argue that going through a divorce & losing my job is bad-I don’t see it that way at all. I’m doing exactly what I wanted. I didn’t like my job anymore and because I know that now, I have a better idea of the job I want. My path is wide open. Obviously my marriage needed to end and because it did, it opened up my opportunity to find what I need, without judgement anymore.

I feel strong. Ambitious. Independent. Relieved that last week is over & will never come back again. Thank you for being painfully honest. It was a slap in the face, but it woke me up to see the big picture, in time to do something about it. Some things I woke up to were very ugly, things I never thought I’d have in my life because I know I’m worth more than that. Some things I woke up to may end up being the best thing that ever happened to me. Seeing the people that were there for me when I did snap out of it and remain there now mean a lot. I don’t know what you want anymore and I’ve given you more than enough time (11 months), opportunities and avenues to decide if you like me or not. I do love you ****. I did fall in love with you. I care deeply about you. I accept you for you, unconditionally. I looked forward to helping you with your company while I was off work, doing all those things I haven’t had the time to do that need to be done. I looked forward to getting back to the simpler relationship we had before all the drama. The BBQ’s, camping, boating, spending time with friends, going out to dinner or the bar to just be with one another, spending time with the kids and just simply being a couple. But now I sense your withdrawal and because you’re having such a hard time talking to me about any of your feelings I think I know where you’re heading. I’ll make it easier on you – I’m done ****. I deserve better.

Remember this?

I’m modifying

behaviors to

change the

outcome of

a certain

situation

because the

parties involved

are very deserving

and they are

worth it!

That was sweet. I’m glad I kept the little notes now.

I’m going to miss you so much.

This hurts more than I ever expected.

Bye baby.

His response:

I am happy for you. You seem to have things all figured out.

I hope the girls feel better soon!

Thanks for your up front approach on the way you feel.

Best of luck to you as well!

****

 

 

 

January 19, 2007

 

I pulled this out of hiding after reading it again. I edited it because it was long & went round & round. Basically saying the same things over & over. I want it up on my blog though. I think it’s important.

 

 

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