Thanksgiving 2006


He wrote:

*****,

I Just wanted to let you know that over the last few months I have enjoyed your company very much and, at times, too much(sorry).

We have our problems like all people do however ours are way more interesting I think!

Happy Thanksgiving to Daddy’s girl

Love to you!

****

Me:

Thank you! Happy Turkey Day Daddy!
Kisses…
*

Him:

*****,

As I sit here I can’t help but think, what happened? Then when I find the thing that has come between us, I realize that it is ourselves.

I really wanted to see the happy sparkle in your eyes.

I know things would have been different

Me:

****,
I was never important enough to be appreciated by you. You stopped taking me to dinner and when we did go, I’d pay. The last time we were out you belittled me.

You said I was your Queen but never treated me that way.

You promised that you’d make up what happened in British Columbia to me, but you had no intentions of fixing what happened. There wasn’t any effort whatsoever. You did what you wanted, it made you happy and that’s what you remember. You wouldn’t remember me crying in the motel room alone, all dressed for dinner because you were off chasing shadows. Our last night in Vancouver, I was with the man I had been dreaming about for a year, in the one place that really meant something to me, that I had never been with anyone else (besides my dad) …and I was alone. I wonder if my dad saw me in that room, chasing my dreams. I hope not. All he ever wanted for me was to be happy. I was duped.
Yep, I make mistakes. I know how that must have felt when you got my messages that Monday morning…then came over to find me still up partying. Then had to listen to the details of what happened. I gave in to not having any privacy anymore so that you could trust that I wasn’t there to hurt you or hide anything from you. Would you do that for me? No way. I also learn from your mistakes…and I learned what I should do to correct a problem and mend the persons heart that I hurt by your lack of ever attempting to mend mine. It was mending though, but very slowly. You’d say something that would fill me with goosebumps…and I’d feel more close to you, then you’d go again. Never proving with your actions the words you were giving me. Which, in my book, means they didn’t mean anything to you. You were just trying to keep me peaceful and sucking that cock.

I truly believe you hid more from me than I will ever know. Things that you would never accept in my behavior. Tonight was proof. The mistake I made having *** over here and not knocking on your door is nothing compared to you lying to me about your sexual history, it’s nothing compared to you sneaking off in the middle of the night after I asked you specifically not to disappear (and you promised me that you wouldn’t), nothing compared to you not calling or e-mailing me that you were going. Then, finding out YOU paid for her room? And that YOU had your food in there from when you were there earlier? What were you doing there? Where were you for 4 hours (it’s likely more than that) in the middle of the night? Why didn’t you let me know right away after you got back? And *I* didn’t knock on your door when I went by. Who is hiding what? I have nothing at all to hide. Nothing at all! And I gave you open, honest communication, with full disclosure! I shared with you all week and you stole from me. I’ve never not shared. Can you say that?

As I look back over all the times you disappeared I am quite sure you weren’t only at the porn shops then either. It makes me sick to think that I was always the one being punished for whatever milk I spilled while you were sneaking away in the middle of the night to chase those shadows. You’d come back to me spent, pissy, guilty, cocky and I was there to pick the pieces up for you so you could ‘keep a good reputation’. I helped you with your kids so that it wouldn’t be so hard on you. I jumped when you needed your books done. I called when I said I would. I came over when I said I would. I created vacations to help with the stress. I loved you unconditionally. What about my pieces? You know, that planter I made you? The first time I made it took alot for me to do. I felt the tables were lopsided then too. That I was trying harder than you. But when you & I decided to take our relationship deeper I felt so good. I wanted that planter to remind me & you of our beauty we create in one another. To be there, on your porch, for all to see…and watch flourish, like I thought you & I would. Then I was slapped back where I belonged…in line, with everyone else. Waiting for you to notice me again. That plant looked like shit after that and got worse until I tried to recreate my vision of it (and us) a few weeks ago. Even touching that planter was hard for me to do because I put so much of myself into it (just like this relationship). Is it even noticed by you? Do you ever stop & look at the different colors? Or notice the different textures? Have you even smelled the rosemary in it? Or the parsley? I haven’t felt that you ever noticed the little details. But there it sits, on your porch, waiting in line for it’s turn to be appreciated. Just like me. It’ll be dead one day from lack of attention. You’ll see.

I have so many ends that I wanted you to tie up. But you never felt they were important. I need to list them.

I wanted you to read my court paper. You said it was too painful. Don’t you think it was painful for me to hear that? Was I not important enough to bear a little pain in order for you to understand me better?

The countless times you disappeared. We’d start to talk about them and you’d always say, ‘look *****, I don’t have time for this right now, I’ll tell you everything later’. I’m still waiting.

That thing with ****. I wanted every detail. I think I deserved to know what happened. Full disclosure.

All those e-mails I sent you…the dozens you never responded to in e-mail or in person. I opened my heart & soul up to you in those e-mails & it was if you never even got them.

Those 2 nights in BC when you left me at the rooms. Where & why did you go and why was I the one blamed for things? The calls to the CL ads there. You’re still being contacted by people up there. I didn’t give my number to a single person up there! The night in Vancouver when you left while I was in the shower and said you’d be right back…then were ‘detained’…why did you stay in the room while you knew I was downstairs waiting for you? Why did you leave me yet again after I got a new room, then didn’t come back? Instead you went back to that old room alone. Or were you? The next night, I laid down in the bed nearly half dead and you were supposedly so worried about me…why did you leave me? You didn’t care if I lived or died. You told me you’d watch me & take care of me so that I’d fall asleep and you could go do what you wanted and not hear about it from me.

That week that you just HAD to stay away from me because I had some. Come Friday you were chasing my heels again. You were happy all weekend. Then you searched my house Sunday desperate to find where it was hidden and got pissed at me when you couldn’t. The whole time I was sharing it all and catering to you. Was that the first time you peeked into my windows? I would have liked to know what actually happened with you, Lynn, Vik and that other hooker. But me holding onto what was mine was far worse than why I was being possesive over it according to you. I felt you’d steal some. So you created a mountain out of a molehill over the redial memory on my phone and when I called you on it and wanted to prove my ‘case’ you couldn’t be bothered by it. I was the bitch already and you were on a mission. Where did you go & stay?

How can you convict me for what I did last Monday when you knew EVERYTHING and you knew he was coming for US? Why did you not call me back? Where were you all day Sunday? Why did you tell me you were shopping for granite then come up with hiking? I want to know exactly where you were.

Now last night and yesterday & Friday night. You got more. You told me you were home all night when I asked you. You created a picture for me of you working on your house all day. And made excuses for not coming to spend time with me and my girls’. Then I find out you have a motel room … and **** is staying in it!

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!

Who is the one that has been punished for things here?
Who is the one that made all the effort to forgive?
Who is the one that tries to prove their honesty by allowing the other to peek in the windows, hide in the dark, search the phones, search all drawers, go through mail?
Who is the one that can’t take a piss without the other one listening at the door or merely barging in?
Who is the one that is constantly text messaging?
Who is the one that follows the other around and accuses them of being sneaky?
Who is the one that constantly switches outfits to get the others focus off of the porn long enough to be touched for a few minutes?
Who is the one that calls people that they find on the internet…then disappears for many hours?
Who is the one at home calling the other and getting pissed on a regular basis because they can’t find them?
Who is the one that always has to disclose their location while the other gives a vague whereabouts?

Who really is the guilty one?
Who has tried harder to live by the rules?

You mention the happy sparkle in my eyes…it’ll return. In time.

OPEN, HONEST, COMMUNICATION! Full fucking disclosure!
Those are your words…your rules we both agreed to. My conscience is clear. Is yours?

Please add to the bottom list:

Who is the one that all of a sudden needs a second cell phone?

That right there tells me you are seeing someone else. That’s why this doesn’t phase you at all. There’s already a new cocksucker to take my place.

Oh, *if* you end up actually reading my e-mail, it wouldn’t surprise me if I never heard any response from you about it. Your e-mail washed your hands of me and that’s good enough for you!

I hope she enjoys your antics. I hope she enjoys my plant on your porch. Luckily for you, there’s very few reminders of me to have to destroy. I’m sure the ones in your mind aren’t much.

Watch for my bon fire today.

His reply:

The phone is mine and **** asked me if he could use it.

No Im not seeing any one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please don’t tell me how I feel

“ “

“ “

Don’t see any fire yet

Just a few clouds

My conscience is doing good on the loyalty thing, but nsg on the reliability end (when UTI)

Oh, and there is not a replacement C/Ser

We’ve spent very little time together since Thanksgiving. The last time we had time together was December 16th-17th. He came over and stayed overnight. My best friend was here too. He brought me a pineapple as a gift. The 3 of us talked & made drinks & just had a good time. He looked into my eyes as if he were missing me. He held me tight. He told me he loves me. We spent all night together. As he left in the morning, he snapped a couple pictures of me, not very good ones. I asked him not to keep them. He left and said he’d be back to work around my house. I rested while he was gone. – I started to get hungry and decided to go grab something to eat. He called me as I was about to leave & asked me to come over to his house, that he had something he wanted to show me. I stopped there on my way to get food. I went into his bedroom and he was very uncomfortable that I was there. He told me he’d been on CL and the chat line. I started to use his computer and he told me to stay away from it. I did. We talked a bit and I went to go leave. As I walked out the garage I saw his camera, picked it up, and started going through the pictures. I wanted to delete those pictures he’d taken of me. I noticed there was a 4 minute video clip on there & skipped past it. He started to tell me to give him the camera. I didn’t. I searched more & found my pics…just as he ripped the camera from my hands. I threw my hands up & walked out. He ran after me. I drove away.

He ended up telling me that the video was my surprise. But what I didn’t understand was why didn’t he want me to see it?

I went home. He called and tried to make things better. I told him to bring me the video so they could get better. Thirty minutes passed & he came to my door. He walked in & set the camera on my counter and walked out. Then drove away. I turned the camera on…started searching for this video clip. It was deleted. My pictures were gone. I called him and asked what happened. He said it was deleted by mistake. I was fed up! I hung up. He started calling like mad. I finally talked to him & told him that if I didn’t have the answers I needed by 2:30 p.m. I was going to leave my house, our relationship would be over and never to contact me again. I hung up. That gave him about an hour and a half to make things right again. He kept calling and wanting to talk it over. I refused & told him to tell me to my face before 2:30 p.m.

He showed up at 2:30 p.m. with some notes he jotted down. Basically, he said he was embarrassed by the video and after he made it didn’t have the guts to show me it. Right.

After that, he finished some projects around my house he’d been promising to do for a year. He stayed for dinner…but kept saying that he had to go because he had to work on the drawings for his kitchen remodel. He stayed with me until 3 a.m. or so…

The next day, Monday, December 18th, he called me several times. He told me a friend of his from SJ came up to help him on a job. I’d never heard this persons name before. His voice sounded different. He talked about sex with me on the phone and it sounded as if he wanted this person to hear our conversation. Then…he needed something from me. Said it was for this guy. He came over & picked up what he wanted. He told me I should just give it to him for free…but I wanted $50. He agreed. He left & went back to his house (where this person was waiting). Three hours pass and I was expecting he & I to go out for dinner. I get in my car & drive over to his house. It’s totally quiet. His bedroom door is closed but I can see that it was dark in his room (except for the computer light) through the space under the door. I knock. No sound. I wait and listen. Nothing…I knock louder. I hear the shower start and he comes bolting out with a laundry basket in his arms. He yells, ‘hey’.

I go inside. I head to his bedroom and he stops me, telling me that that guy is taking a shower. I go sit on the couch. We discuss the transaction earlier & he gets defensive when I ask to see it. I wasn’t paid yet, so it was still mine. Reluctantly, he brought it to me. It was almost gone. We argued a bit about it. He accused me of acting too suspicious of him. I asked what he was doing in the room with that guy. He said laundry. I told him what I sensed & saw. He got angry. The guy came out of the shower after 20 minutes or so. Short ass. Obviously gay. Ugly as hell. I swear he called my man ‘honey’. I introduced myself. Then went into his bedroom. There were 2 beers sitting on the desk next to a porn. I started to get onto his computer and he came unglued. Told me he was ordering my Christmas present & the ordering information was still up on the screen. He sat down & started closing tabs…I watched. He then logged off and told me I couldn’t go on there. I walked out.

He was obviously hiding something.

I had his password for his voicemail and decided to listen in. After this ‘male’ left he called my man saying he wanted to ‘celebrate’ with him. He called again the next day and said he wanted to talk.

Things are no longer the same.

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