20 Doors Down



Scraped up knees and secret rendezvous under the cover of darkness.
Feeling the hard fireplace hearth as I rest my body there-puffing my cigarette, the heat radiating on my back from the flames, looking across the table into your eyes as you said those words a year ago, a feeling inside my chest like the flames at my back. My mind whirling with yours.
Our first night in paradise, my hand in yours, floating together in the dark, winding through the palm-lined path, heading straight towards the sound of those waves breaking.
I never heard you laugh so much. Five days of laughter brought the prior seven months of groans to an end. I miss that laugh.
Nearly naked sunburned bodies, with hours to kill before the flight back, relaxing together on the beach in a downpour. Together, yet separate. I’m scared that things won’t continue to grow between us once we get back. But I’m strong and will handle whatever comes.
A new days Sun fills in the cold & dark with warmth & light. I watch as you navigate through the sea of tents, coffee in hand with your adoreable side-kick turning heads as she led the way. Our eyes lock onto one another. I nearly blushed and had to look away, I felt something right then that I never imagined would feel so good and I could see in your eyes that you felt it too.
The weeks that followed we were beaming, content, ambitious, satiated, committed, growing together, learning – until those words from your mouth, ‘something happened last night that shouldn’t have’.
Unbelievable. Crushed. Insignificant. Unappreciated. Alone. Anger. Forgiveness. Unforgettable. Your hand in mine again. Leading me along. Stepping stones. Into clouds. Steep. Rocky. Cliffs. Freefall. Pavement. A hand. Bandage. Sadness. Clouds. Steep. Cliff. Pavement. A hand. Bandage. Sadness. Clouds. Pavement. Sadness. Hand?

Innocense was lost. Many lives were changed. Eyes were opened. Emotions were vivid. Hearts were silent. Broken. Damaged. Clouds cleared. Hearts bled. Weeped. Repent. Silence. Cries.

Darkness. Sadness. Hand? HAND!!?? Darkness. hand………? hand…? hand? Hand. Soot-stained fingers tangled together. The warmth of Sunrise. Steady. Relentless. Eyes. Locked on. Embrace….. Openness. Honesty. Forgiveness. Expectations. Consequences. Respect. Maturity. Growth. Separate now yet hearts interlocked forever.

Though I can never forget…I have forgiven in my heart. The lessons I’ve learned from us will follow me until the end of me. My strength will only grow as I grow. I have faith for the future but find comfort in that you’re still in my present, if only my friend now. When you need my hand it will be there. Will yours? I sense that it will. I will pray that the clouds never form again and make us lose direction and head for any cliffs. I’m strong, stubborn and go after what I want. I can only fall off the cliff so many times before I just can’t reach for your hand anymore.

The wreckage is clearing. Your smile is beaming. You are a very different man compared to when we met that first night. Or maybe I am seeing you through new eyes? Perhaps both statements are correct? I want you happy. I’ve tried like hell. I beam just knowing you’re still in my life and can still make you laugh and smile.

I fell in love with the cute guy. He’s just 20 doors down. But now thousands of miles of pain separate us and the road back is hazardous and long. I have my map with the hazards clearly marked out, and I’m prepared to avoid all of them. Just not sure when I should leave so we can meet up in the middle. Maybe the call will never come. Either way, I’ll continue about my business – with memories that will fill my days & nights with smiles, laughter and a whole new awareness to life.

Thank you…

Thank you…

Thank you my friend.

2 responses to “20 Doors Down”

  1. That was sort of cruel and uncalled for .. I really had no idea you were going through such shit .. my apologies


  2. I love it, this is sublime writing, its got all the qualities that I look for in good writing, please do share more with me when you can I love it!



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