Que Sera Sera


Five days of trying to connect with him to move past-move forward-move on, I finally get him to stop long enough to tend to the wreckage. Allbeit Sunday morning, 2:30 am, there was no way I was sleeping anyway…I finally get my answers.

I spent the hours prior to seeing him trying to compile questions I needed answers to.

The main question was: ‘what do you want?’

I had been pulled back & forth for the past year. Three weeks prior I was in his arms & he was telling me he loved me. In those three weeks that followed he’d stopped calling unless he needed something, he’d stopped coming over unless it was for food, when we did talk on the phone he was brief-only talking about himself and never asking about me and would usually end the call on a sour note.
His answer was humbly, ‘nothing’.

Nothing? Carify nothing.

No girlfriend. Nothing. He went on to say that he warned me what would happen and that me going to Reno with someone else was the final straw.

My world crumbled. I followed our rules! Openness, honesty and full disclosure! I was upfront & pled my side & he told me he understood. I didn’t cheat. Or lie. Or hide anything. I got a job. I committed to being sober. I was open & honest & gave him full disclosure. I didn’t understand!!!!

He went on to say that he was hurt that I didn’t come over more in the past weeks. I never felt welcome when I did drop in.

His body language made me collapse inside & out. After all I’d done. After all I’d dealt with. After all the pain I suffered. After all my sleepless nights. After all the tears I shed. This was my pay-off? His decision to end it, just like that. Without any emotion. Without any compassion.

I stumbled into his bathroom & closed the door and cried hard between my knees. I was doubled over in pain. I couldn’t stand up anymore.

His feelings are gone & mine won’t leave.


We talked more. I left feeling a little better. We agreed not to go out on any dates until the other person knows first. We agreed not to rub eachothers face in it. We agreed to be friends for now and let whatever is going to happen, happen. That night I wrote ’20 Doors Down’. I didn’t sleep at all. That morning he invited me to go with him & his kids to Oakland to look at granite. We ended up at Jack London Square, looking at the boats & having lunch there. We held hands and hugged and smiled to one another. We talked and teased eachother. Almost as if the past 3 weeks, including all we discussed the night before, never happened. But it did. It did.

It makes me sick to think of him dating. I don’t want to date. I don’t want anything but to fix the searing pain I have about him not being my man anymore.

Monday came and he invited me out on a date. He wanted to take me to the movies. This confused me, but I was just happy to be able to hug him & laugh with him & be close again. In a way, all the baggage we were toting along was left behind. Things seem a bit simpler. Or is love making me blind again? I wanted him to read my 20 Doors Down post on http://www.craigslist.com and I wanted to be there when he did. He read it Monday night. I laid in his bed as he read it & ended up falling asleep. He got into bed next to me. I wanted him to hold on to me and give me a safe place to fall, but he didn’t. Then I got horny & had to leave.

Tuesday I worked and when I got home I slept – all night until morning. Wednesday was much the same. I worked, saw my attorney, came home and slept. I was supposed to go to his house for the books but just slept. Thursday morning I got up early & made a pot of coffee, got ready for work & went to his house to bring him coffee & do the books. He was disappointed that I blew him off the night before, but happy I was trying to make up for it.

Now it’s Friday. I have kids & he doesn’t this weekend. Which is the opposite of how it’s been for the past 14 months. He assures me that it’ll go back to the regular schedule after next weekend, the first weekend in February, but I can’t help but take it as a blow. I have faith.

I have faith.

I have faith.

Que Sera Sera



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