s k i n d e e p



Everyone is initially attracted to a person by their physical appearance. That initial lure can be very strong off of appearances only. I’ve always had the theory that women that go way overboard with their make-up, hair, big fake tits, clothes and accessories are shallow and superficial. They’re usually blondes and the rest of us normal girls refer to them as barbie. Once you actually get to know them on the inside you realize that they’re the ugliest of humans. I’ve never had a friend like that because they don’t exist. They can’t be good friends to anyone because they’re too self-absorbed.

I talked to **** about this last December (2005). I told him my theory. The reason I brought it up to him was because I had seen some barbie’s come & go from his house a few times. When he & I discussed it I didn’t think about the character of the person who dates these types of women, I merely wanted him to see the barbie’s from a different perspective. I could see that he recognized what I was referring to just by the look on his face. It looked as if a light switch was clicked on inside him. He sat there quiet for a while then agreed that he thought (after I pointed it out) that about those types of women as well.

My light switch went on recently regarding this. I realized he is the male version of those type of women.

  • He’s selfish.
  • He’s disrespectful.
  • He has bad manners.
  • He’s a liar.
  • He’s a cheater.
  • He can do no wrong.
  • He’s uncaring.
  • He’s uncompassionate.
  • He was a fair weather friend.
  • He couldn’t give. Anything.

I’d never met a man like that before, I usually saw their persona from a mile away and steered clear of them. But this guy seems to have several extra alter egos that he could hide behind. To me, a serious character flaw that will NEVER go away.

I am amazed to learn how correct my theory was. Even for men. Perhaps amazed isn’t the right word to describe how my discovery made/makes me feel. That word should be devastated. Or crushed. Or disgusted. Beauty is skin deep for some people and those people understand one another. I know now that he’s drawn to barbie.
I am not one of those people. I will never be barbie. I am grateful for that. I should have realized this a few months ago ( perhaps 15 months ago would have been better but it is what it is ) when he & I were in a chat room on webcam together. The room was buzzing from our images. A man made a comment in this chat room about me. He used the word ‘Goddess’ to describe me. Needless to say, I was extremely flattered. When **** saw it, his comment to it was very … ummmm … cruel, telling, eye-opening, painful. He said, ‘my gawd, these people think YOU’RE a Goddess? They must not get out much’. He didn’t even bat an eye at what he’d just said to me. I was sick to my stomach. I just stared at him. I couldn’t believe he could be so mean. Eventually he saw how hurt I was and said sorry but what he said was his true feelings about how he envisioned me and he wasn’t sorry at all. I want the man in my life to look at me, no matter what I am doing and see me as his Goddess. Not just because of my physical appearance, but because of my heart, my morals, my passion, my compassion, my openmindedness, my generosity and sensitivity. It’s easy to look great & draw someone in to you. But for me, that person has got to have a mind of their own. They’ve got to be open and honest and be able to communicate with me. They’ve got to know when they should just sit and listen, that’s the hardest part for the barbie.

The next day I called his brother for comfort. I got comfort for it from him. I cried so hard on the phone to him and he had nothing nice to say about how his brother treated/treats me. I thank God every single day that I have ***** in my life. I know he was sent to me by someone, my guardian angel perhaps. To test me. I took the test and passed and have this incredible human being in my life now to help guide me through as my reward.

I sometimes consider myself quite stunning looking. A Goddess? Hardly. Someone’s Goddess? Hopefully someday. I consider myself a very good friend. I have strong morals. I’m extremely compassionate and generous. And my heart is pure, yet currently broken but it’ll mend in time. I know that.

More recently he & I talked about this blog of mine. He read it and when I saw him afterwards he commented about it. He had the nerve to tell me that I should be embarrassed of it…I tried not to let it hurt but that was inevitable. I talked to my girlfriend about it and her reaction was: ‘Why should YOU be embarrassed? He’s the one that should be embarrassed!’ I agree with her. Wholeheartedly! The only thing I am embarrassed of is ever giving him the time of day.

His mentality is just like barbie. Me! Me! Me! Mine! Mine! Mine! No consideration for anyone’s feelings. He used me for what he could; money, sex, babysitting, food, cigarettes, bookkeeping, everything. He lied and led me on all along. He’s weak and insecure yet gags you with his false sense of self confidence in the beginning. I know in my heart that had he not met someone new he’d still be leading me on today and I’d let him because I was in love. He hasn’t admitted to meeting someone new, merely because he doesn’t have the mental capacity to care for anyone’s feelings but his own, but I know him well enough to know he’s got someone new already. A barbie no doubt. He might as well, he’s not getting any younger and those wrinkles are only getting deeper, barbie will be dumb enough for him to continue to get away with his games. And vice versus.

Up until now, I had NO regrets in my life. I do regret spending so much time and money on him. I regret that because he manipulated me into believing he had feelings for me so he could get what he could. Apparently, gold diggers come in a male version too.

I’ve learned a lot about myself.

I see clearly what I need to work on within myself to assure I am never in a relationship with a loser ever again.

Another theory! People come into our lives for a specific reason. They leave our lives for a specific reason. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out the reason. When he came into my life I told him this same thing and at that time I didn’t know why he was there but I knew it was for something specific and life changing. I know the answer now…

10 responses to “s k i n d e e p”

  1. you are a very beautiful woman i have watched the vidio clip an you are so sexy im glad you are looking after your self and holding your head up high glad your not leting the brake up upset you and your so full of life good for you you are a very beautiful sexy lady


  2. Just a thought, If our tounges are the rudder of our ship, where is your ship taking you?
    How can you be so sure that he isn’t missing you?
    I find it hard to believe that such an intelligent. (Goddess) would fall in Love with such a man.
    Perhaps he let go because he DOES love you?


  3. Primitive Thinker Avatar
    Primitive Thinker

    In the end, who really cares what others do? i live by doing your own thing and teach your kids what you know and it will fall into place. if the magazine’s, TV, and other medias tell us Barbies are the norm and Kens are too -then don’t buy it, don’t watch it, don’t support it.


  4. watch you on **. read your writings here.such a good caring person he left. You’re stronger by the day.


  5. Relent, there are plenty of gold digging males out there sweetie. Some deal in gold while for others their currency is that between your legs. For such men, it’s all about the notch in their belt and how powerful it makes them feel in the most superficial way. I can’t deny that I too wasn’t like that at one time (certain I was in my 20’s) but I thank God I have evolved beyond that at this point in my life. I will say it took a very special woman to break my heart before I figured it out though. Oddly enough I never realized how much I was in love with her until after we broke up and she sent me a card. The card detailed all the little things that she thought were special about ME and why she would always love me throughout the passing of time. Things that sounded so trivial and meaningless to me on that day, only a few precious months later became so clear and profound that I knew she was right. This woman was my very first love. No she wasn’t the first I had sex with, but she was the one who taught me how to love. She opened her heart to me but I didn’t’ have the courage to do so in return. Intimacy has so very little to do with sex. It’s all about knowing each other’s heart and the total acceptance of each other that goes along with that. The day I received that card was the day I became a man. The guy in your story has yet to discover any of this. I feel sorry for him actually. But trust me Relentless, one day he’ll wake up thinking “I really fucked up the day I let her get away.”

    So don’t despair for having been taken in by this charlatan as it only shows that you are still open to wonderful possibilities life has to offer. You’re soul mate is out there somewhere and he’s already all grown up. For being a mature man has less to do with age as it does knowing about what’s important in life. When you finally meet such a man you’ll know it in an instant and every day he’ll remind you.


  6. That was excellent…when I first met you in the chat room my first impression was “goddess” and all I wanted to do was hug you…and mind you I had no knowledge of this blog. You are right on about BARBIES…I can’t tell you how many I have encountered, but that’s why there are KENS….as I get to know you better I am finding the goddess inside as well…your an awesome human being, and I hope we can develope a lifelong friendship…I for one am glad your part of the human race….(((((( ))))))


  7. Patric aka Racoon Avatar
    Patric aka Racoon

    Seems like ur getting stronger day by day…keep up the good work! Hugs


  8. Well, you know how I feel about all of it. Just always know I am here for you & love you! You are a bright & beautiful GODDESS! Hugs!


  9. Hi.

    I’m new in these parts. I’ve read a few of your more recent posts, the first being Christmas 2006, followed by a few surrounding it. I’ve read this one, too, and pretty much agree with all of it: Men can be ‘Barbies’, too. Give the rest of us Men a bad name, as I’m sure Barbies do for decent, honest, loving women.

    This might seem weird, but I’m going to give you a long-distance hug because the raw pain involved screams from the page. And there’s something about what you’ve written, and how you’ve written it, that resonates with me somehow…it takes guts to write as honestly as you do. Pain isn’t an easy thing to lay bare (at least in a controlled way!)

    I know it’s been a month since then, but I doubt the pain has eased much: you’re hurting, and I’m responding to that the only way I know how:


    It won’t be much compared to what you are no doubt feeling. But it’s a start, a step in the right direction. 🙂

    PS: if it helps, the man who has hurt you sounds like a right Wanker. If he were one of my mates? He’d be getting a swift kicking right about now.


  10. Good to read this post! Wonderful idea and advices on self confidence!! I’ve to say this is a good one! Cheers


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