a l o n e


 

 

 

 

 

 

After working on the division of our smaller assets for nearly two weeks we finally agreed on what he would take. I procrastinated for a year, dreading that list. But there it all was – listed out on my excel spreadsheet. All those memories we made together. Fifteen years. Divided neatly, right down the middle.

 

 

 

Last week I did my best to get those things together. I had no help from anyone. I handled it how I usually handle things that I know will hurt. Procrastinate.

 

 

 

Last Saturday was the day he was going to come get his half.

 

 

 

He was right on time, as usual. And I was unprepared, like always. My daughters announced his arrival. They’re excitement practically rattled the windows of my home. Even my dog was happy to see him walking up the driveway. I opened the garage door & walked towards him…I almost hugged him, it was like he never left. Instead, I said “good morning”, then made my way to my car so I could move it out of the way.

 

My daughters were wrapped around his legs hugging him and my dog was practically coming out of her skin to get close to him too. She ran up to me for just a moment as if to say, “c’mon! He came back finally! You hug him too!” I leaned down to pet her and my tears began to flow. I quickly shoved my sunglasses back on & pulled my ball cap down hard on my head and got in my car. I began to back out. I turned to look back over my right shoulder and saw 5 familiar faces watching me back my car out. Our old friends. I hadn’t heard from any of them, let alone lay eyes on them for more than a year. They came to help him.

 

As I walked back up from parking my car out of his way, a couple of my old friends said hello while the others walked away from me when they realized I might speak or gawd forbid, hug them. These guys were all like brothers to me for 15 years while my husband and I were together. It hurt. It all hurt. I kept my composure though. Yet, I never let my sunglasses get out of reach. I didn’t want them to see me cry. I walked with purpose, but there was none. I walked with confidence, if only a temporary spurt of it. My smile beamed as I passed them and went inside.

 

I headed for my bedroom, slipped inside, shut the door, locked it and let myself feel it happen.

My tears welled up in my eyes and fell heavy down my face. I watched them leave little round wet circles there on my shirt, right where my breasts broke their decent. I stopped myself right then from letting anymore fall then changed into a dry shirt. I sat alone, listening to him & his 5 helpers from the darkness of my bedroom gathering our life up and putting it into his trailer to take away.

I had so many different feelings coming at me at once. I was happy to see him, a bit bitter about my old friends not being there for me whatsoever, hurt that my own friends wouldn’t/couldn’t help, sad that my children are having to deal with Daddy coming to get the rest of his stuff further confirming our divorce. Even the dog was suffering. My ex and I were laughing at one point – which is something we haven’t done in 18 months or more. He told me to stop packing things into boxes for him to take. I really wanted him to have every little thing that is his. He deserves that.

After 4 or 5 hours he was all done. I watched from inside my house as he got into his truck and drove away. It had to be just as hard or harder for him to leave as it was for me to watch him leave. I went back to my room, my sanctuary and cried finally – really cried. I called my mom and asked if she could possibly take my girls’ so that I could crash & burn from the pain without worrying about them seeing me. She agreed to pick them up later in the evening. I loaded up my girls’ and spent the afternoon at the park with them…crying now & then behind my sunglasses.

Mom picked my daughters up that evening. I shut my front door after I watched them pull away and the quiet of my empty house sunk in. He’s gone. His things are all gone. I wandered around in my garage looking at the empty shelves. Realizing only then that he filled the space, his things, his sounds, his heart…it was always there … but not anymore. And all I could think of is … ‘look at all this space I can fill now’ Woooohooooooo!!! I even had enough room for a couple new cars … hehehe! It hurt but there was good there too. He was gone, really gone now and I was completely alone for the first time in my life.

 

That day is one week past me now. I’m still alone but I’ve reached outside of myself to connect with others. I am the type of person that has a very hard time asking for help. I like doing things myself. My best friend was there for me. She sent me a text message from work that day & asked me if I was ok. I didn’t think a single person out there that knows me remembered what *I* had to go through that day. She did. That meant the World to me. I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. Thank you A. 🙂

 

 

5 Comments

  1. I just read the most remarkable feelings I have ever seen put on a page. That was a wonderful recollection of your feelings when it happened.

    Thanks for sharing.. and provoking thoughts…

    Like

  2. Procrastination is just another way of saying don’t sweat it till you have to.If I could be there Feb. 14 it would be a warm bath, candles, soft music, and a fine wine. Please keep in touch! A lot of us out here need you more than YOU know.

    Like

  3. I created the bed that I lie in.

    ‘A’ is a great friend but I didn’t even consider all the people I connect with on a daily basis solely on the internet when I wrote this post. I have ‘friends’ all over the World and although they can’t drop what their doing at a moments notice to help me pack boxes or come have a quick cup of coffee because I need to talk at nearly midnight, they are there just the same.
    An ear.
    Advice.
    Encouragement.
    My conscience.

    Most don’t even know how much they mean to me and how I replay their words they type when I need to encourage myself. Most don’t know that they treat me with more respect and dignity than some do in real life, including my family.

    At times I may be lonely but it’s my choice to be alone. I don’t write in my blog for sympathy or for anyones pity…I write because that’s just what I do. It is how I express myself best. It helps me put things into perspective for myself. I guess I could go talk to a therapist but this is much cheaper and a therapist isn’t going to be there to help me gain perspective at 3 in the morning should I need it.

    So, with that said … thank you to all of you who have positively touched my life and continue to through your genuine, unselfish ways … whatever they may be. I think you know who you are and if you don’t yet, you will.

    Hugs & Kisses
    r e l e n t l e s s

    Like

  4. WOW! Been through the same thing, but unable to write, or even tell anyone about it..male stupidity I guess….this is very weird…but through these electronic pages…I sense your pain, and at the same time I know your future will be bright….your ability to put your thoughts on paper like you do is an amazing gift from God..keep it coming…I always feel a bit deeper, and a better person after I read your blog…THANK YOU

    Like

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