It frustrates me to no end when my children call while they’re with their Dad and I can hear him in the background on his phone talking with his girlfriend the way he once talked to me.
It’s frustrating when I hear what he talks to them about.
- Why does he have to discuss our divorce details with our children?
- Why does he have nothing good to say about me?
- Why do I continue to defend & protect him when I get just the opposite?
- Why can’t people just live & let live?
All he’s doing is teaching them to disrespect me. I fear puberty more than anything right now. I remember what I put my parents through. Luckily I have a lot of hair going into those years because I just might emerge with some of it left once the hurricane of 2 teen girls settles.
I hope they learn compassion for others from me. I hope they learn to respect them selves from me. I hope they learn openness and honesty from me. I hope they’re sensitive and sweet and passionate and driven by what makes them truly happy. I hope they see both the good & bad traits their dad & I both possess and listen to their intuition before making decisions.
I feel like it’s a constant battle proving to them that I’m really not the person their Dad portrays me as now that he’s the ‘ex’. They adore their Daddy and they should. I just wish he’d let his bitterness go so that they don’t feel like they have to dislike me for him to like them. I hope they see the big picture.
So, I read on and found the bit about your divorce. Having gone through one myself in which I was the object of ridicule and general nastiness, I fully appreciate your situation. I agree with what Paul said, things eventually change. In my case, one of my children understands and is close to me, the other one still believes the things that were said about me. So, you do your best and still it is up to the kids to be who they are going to be.
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When my wife disappeared many years ago, on the 20th of December, with our 2yo son, nothing could have been more surprising and hurtful. Through that Christmas season I both heard and knew nothing … not from her, and not from any of the social worker types who are supposed to be unbiased workers for all. If I had been prone to self-violence out of depression, I could have lay dead in the house for two weeks …and no one would have known, because no one bothered to check. They were too busy fawning over her on the strength of all those ‘standard allegations’ that vilify men, regardless of what the truth may be, and give a “free pass” to women.
I soon discovered I was the target of malignment, slander and accusations I knew bore no substance or relationship to truth. Was I angry? Of course. Even moreso when eventually I discovered the underlaying reason for her sudden departure … marital interferance by a father in law who could not abide that I was not of the same religious beliefs as he. For months he has his well-controlled daughter seeing a religeous counsellor of his choosing … one who was tasked with convincing her to leave the paegan husband. When I discovered this, wans I angrier still? Of course, who wouldn’t be?
After the courts blew me off and handed full custody to my wife, I was at least able to spend time (regularly) with my little son. In his innocence, he would often ask me why people (Mom, Nanna, Granddad in particular) say mean things about me. This went on for years. So do I understand your frustration … of course … and from the other side of the gender equation, Relentless.
I am proud to say that, while ohhh so tempting to retalliate and defend at times, I always kept my mouth shut. Children need to be loved … not conflicted, and especially not conflicted over the parents they love. Particularly true with the really young ones who haven’t the life-experience to evaluate things evenly.
Keeping quiet over these many years has yeilded some benefits. One is that my/our son has not faced having to weigh what one person says against that said by another …because I refuse to participate in that destructive and selfish game. Being that it was in my home that he felt free from that, it is here he feels most at peace and most relaxed. That opens the door to very meaningful conversations between us … which is so important as he shortly enters his teen years. These are such critical years coming up both from the pont of veiw of moulding him into a good and viable man as well as protecting him from the dangers he will face through peer pressure and temptations.
I think the best benefit of all, from not participating in the petty accusation/blame game, is that now the situation has evolved to the point where his Mom and I are friendly with each other (even caring), she feels OK to compliment me on my parenting and therefore defers certain matters to me where he is concerned. There is a closeness (and love) between me and his younger step sister …and in all, we have now evolved into sort of an ‘extended family’ of sorts.
It was tough to hear the things that were said at times … but looking into the eyes of my child and knowing that my actions (reactions) would and could imprint on him messages and lessons he’d carry with him for life, I knew there was only one road I could take … the high road. The decision was easy … carrying through was much harder … afterall, when your character is being assaulted there is a natural tendency to defend yourself.
But since I know myself, am proud of myself, and am confident about my value as a human being, a man and as a parent … the thought of how I behave and how it may influence my son’s development (positively or negatively) was obviously more important than retaliating … regardless of how much that retalliation was warranted!
Those who cast aspersions against another parent in front of children are those who are least confident in themselves, their reasons, their arguments, excuses and justifications for their actions. They are so insecure they hide behind the children and say such things often to make the children ‘messengers’ for those things they haven’t the courage or strength-of-truth to say directly to the other person.
Such people are weak … unfortunatley the children suffer on account of that weakness. Keep taking the high-road, Relentless … in the long run it will be the best example you can set for your girls … and, I’m sure, an enormous source of self-respect when you eventually see the results of that in them.
Best regards and Keep on Keeping On as You are!
Paul
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I don’t know your life’s story but i went threw a nasty divorce… and as a side note it’s not always the man thats the problem (I’m not talking about you). i see the questions -why does he do this and that- but i also read your other blog about the elevator… so when the teens start to read this stuff online what are they going to say?
I don’t have my kids much, but the time i do get is quality. i live by what i say and thats that, they will see the truth in the end. i feel it’s not today your building but tomorrow with kids.
You have good things going on in you life somewhere no matter how small… why not focus on them? Find something that gets your interested and put some energy on it. hey man, the ex is going to be a pain in the butt until you don’t have to deal with him anymore -life’s too short to wait for that!
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Only you know if you did right by your children…one day they will mature, and hopefully see the greatness the is in both their parents…fear not relentless they are not lost…they can’t help but have some of your wondeful traits….God Bless you….(((( )))))
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It’s too bad when children come between their parents after a divorce. My parents divorced when I was 10 yo and my brother was 7. Ur ex is behaving in a strange but not un common manner. Don’t know if I can give u any advice other than don’t go there urself and teach ur girls love and compassion instead of bitterness.
TGIF and I’ve learned what SSDD is 🙂
Hugs
Coon
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