j o u r n e y

More than two months have passed since I last spoke to my ex-boyfriend and now I have someone new in my life. It has been a very long time (if ever) since I felt a connection like this with someone. I hate to compare but the differences between the two relationships I’ve had in the last 14 months are unmistakable. But what is even more eye opening to me is the difference in me.

I am a very intense person. I am truly relentless. But this time, this new relationship I feel different. I don’t feel obsessive. I don’t feel as if I need to constantly prove that I am worthy to be there. I don’t feel that the “hunt and capture” needs to continue each time we see one another. I do feel safe & relaxed. The best part of all is that I am not hiding anything. I am an open book and I don’t feel the slightest apprehension about sharing anything with him.

He and I are from opposite sides of the tracks. He is rich with character, morals, love, compassion, will-power, good family-values. He paid his dues in his own way to gain those traits. And me, well, my traits weren’t necessarily paid for by any means, but if they could have been mom would have bought them, probably 10 of them each, just in case she might run low someday. If you know what I mean?

What am I writing this for? Oh yeah…I remember now. Since I have been preoccupied, both mind & body, with my beau I haven’t had as much desire to write. It perplexed me at first and I started to feel a sense of failure. After thinking about it I realized I typically only feel compelled to write when I feel sad, lonely, depressed or angry. Not when things are going well. When I’m hurting inside is when it flows out the best. Some of my favorite (and some of the blog readers favorites) were created when I was ultimately at my lowest point. Why is that? I thought about something someone (thank you Bill) told me recently when we were discussing why I hadn’t written for a while. He said (I don’t remember it word for word, so I’ll fill it in the way I perceived the statement),

“well, you know what they say? Artists suffer for their art”

They do? I didn’t know that. He went on to tell me a few short stories about famous artists who publicly “suffered” for their inspiration to create their best work. I pretended to know who & what he was talking about but I really didn’t know the details he was referring to (sorry Bill). So I decided to Google it and low and behold, he was right! I found several articles backing up his theory that: 


It went on further to say that artists would actually fabricate trauma in their life in order to have inspiration to create. Through the years, studies were done and psychotherapy was prescribed for those that suffered in a destructive way and artists were taught a new way to spark their inspiration. I’m glad I looked into that statement because I was feeling uninspired to write simply because I am happy now. People use every emotion as a muse for their creativity. I am now learning to feel the happiness as deeply as I feel the pain and can also feel the direction my writing will take because of it.