j o u r n e y

More than two months have passed since I last spoke to my ex-boyfriend and now I have someone new in my life. It has been a very long time (if ever) since I felt a connection like this with someone. I hate to compare but the differences between the two relationships I’ve had in the last 14 months are unmistakable. But what is even more eye opening to me is the difference in me.

I am a very intense person. I am truly relentless. But this time, this new relationship I feel different. I don’t feel obsessive. I don’t feel as if I need to constantly prove that I am worthy to be there. I don’t feel that the “hunt and capture” needs to continue each time we see one another. I do feel safe & relaxed. The best part of all is that I am not hiding anything. I am an open book and I don’t feel the slightest apprehension about sharing anything with him.

He and I are from opposite sides of the tracks. He is rich with character, morals, love, compassion, will-power, good family-values. He paid his dues in his own way to gain those traits. And me, well, my traits weren’t necessarily paid for by any means, but if they could have been mom would have bought them, probably 10 of them each, just in case she might run low someday. If you know what I mean?

What am I writing this for? Oh yeah…I remember now. Since I have been preoccupied, both mind & body, with my beau I haven’t had as much desire to write. It perplexed me at first and I started to feel a sense of failure. After thinking about it I realized I typically only feel compelled to write when I feel sad, lonely, depressed or angry. Not when things are going well. When I’m hurting inside is when it flows out the best. Some of my favorite (and some of the blog readers favorites) were created when I was ultimately at my lowest point. Why is that? I thought about something someone (thank you Bill) told me recently when we were discussing why I hadn’t written for a while. He said (I don’t remember it word for word, so I’ll fill it in the way I perceived the statement),

“well, you know what they say? Artists suffer for their art”

They do? I didn’t know that. He went on to tell me a few short stories about famous artists who publicly “suffered” for their inspiration to create their best work. I pretended to know who & what he was talking about but I really didn’t know the details he was referring to (sorry Bill). So I decided to Google it and low and behold, he was right! I found several articles backing up his theory that: 


It went on further to say that artists would actually fabricate trauma in their life in order to have inspiration to create. Through the years, studies were done and psychotherapy was prescribed for those that suffered in a destructive way and artists were taught a new way to spark their inspiration. I’m glad I looked into that statement because I was feeling uninspired to write simply because I am happy now. People use every emotion as a muse for their creativity. I am now learning to feel the happiness as deeply as I feel the pain and can also feel the direction my writing will take because of it.



13 responses to “j o u r n e y”

  1. I stumbled upon your blog someone awhile back and have been reading it ever since. This particular one really caught my interest because the same thing basically happened to me. I seem to be very creative when I was experiencing negative emotions or problems in my life. Recently my life has turned around and I am happier than I have been in a long time and my mind seems to have gone totally blank ! Thank you for this explanation. I never would have figured it out on my own.


  2. Hi Relentless. just saw your message regarding Hepa. Just wanted to say that you are so much better off without and he was a fool to be so blind as to the amazingly deep person you are. I hope that you can bounce back in your bouyant way and not see all men as useless pieces of cr4p. there are some guys out there worth being with. You have my best wishes and maybe I will get to chat with you. Alex.aka axle75uk (jm) xx


  3. This is very true. I sometimes miss the “crying ’til I puke” nights after losing the woman I lived with for 6 years (and was engaged to for 2). Those nights were inspiring. I wrote better than when “all is well”.


  4. Hi!
    Just want to send greetings from a hot and sunny Greece. Ill be back home in a few days. The abstinens for JM is not that big :-)…


  5. G’day mate!

    Thanks for the kind words and the birthday wishes. You have a week or two yet to get the world peace thing done – good luck with that!

    I think you’re pretty great too (but I’ll deny I ever said that! 😉 ) and I was merely trying to return the favour. Words don’t recognise distance. I hope A appreciates how lucky he is. As I’ve said before if you were 10 years older, cute and intelligent I’d let you have me.

    If I’m correct your birthday is looming too. Where’s your wish list?

    Have yourself a wonderful day!

    See you soon,


    ps: couldn’t find that Indian post you mentioned.


  6. Rocky Mountain Avatar
    Rocky Mountain

    Hmm I wrote a response earlier, but must the data must have taken a wrong turn on the informational highway….

    I agree that creativity is easily mired down in the mellow fields of contentment. The extreme ends of the emotional pendulum tend stimulate our guardian muse. It seems that fabricated trauma is the Viagra of getting the emotional pendulum “up and swinging.” 🙂


  7. Quick! Somebody mess this chick up again! she’s in danger of becoming too happy to be interesting!


  8. Rocky Mountain Avatar
    Rocky Mountain

    I agree that it is very difficult to write while mired in contentment. The potent muse seems to reside at either end of the emotional pendulum. The impotent muse holds sway when the pendulum can’t get itself up…one way or the other. Apparently, fabricated trauma is a form of Viagra for dysfunctional creativity. 😉

    Enjoy the ride and savor every moment.



  9. so true….i can’t write worth a damn, but i sure feel better after expressing what is going on inside of me..good luck with you new journey…((((( ))))))


  10. You’ve been peeking!

    Never happen … you’re not my type.

    BTW … that’s twice.



  11. Oh yeah,

    You’re still a Hell Bitch and I hope the patron saint of STD’s removes your name from his list and a plague of crabs nests in your panties!!!!


    HAHAHA!!! You are a Royal Pain in The Ass!
    My only hope is the very day I become infested with those crabs you & I make love until we’re bloody!



  12. Hey You!

    You’re astute enough to recognise the intent behind my jibes and sarcasm. That I could elicit a smile very now and then was as good for my ego as the smiles were for yours. As much as I enjoyed reading your forthright accounts of the aspects of your life you’ve chosen to share, I for one am happy that you’re stuck for words.

    I’ll take the liberty of calling myself your friend (I can do that because there’s nothing you can do about it from 20000 miles away!… ha ha) and like all your friends I’m looking forward to reading about your new journey. Contrary to some people’s beliefs, including your own, I think that you have a lot to offer. I’m sure we’ll recognise the smile’s in your new writings just as we recognised the tears in past posts.

    BTW … Let that looser know that I’ll buy him a beer next time I’m in the US 😉

    TC & keep being kind to yourself!

    See you soon!



  13. I’m looking forward to see if and how your writing gets in another direction depending on your mood. I’m happy that you are feeling better and that your new releationship with H is going well. My only wish is for you to go other routs with the AMG when you’re out driving…I wanna see different places in the Bay area now 🙂

    tc and lots of hugs
    Coon aka Soontobeingreece


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