This Mother’s Day is the first Mother’s Day that I truly feel like a single mother. Granted, it’s only the second one that I’ve been single for. I look back on last year and see how things have changed. Last year I still felt very dependent on my own mother, on my child support, on my boyfriend (aka the cute guy, who actually wasn’t my boyfriend at the time but we were close like a couple), dependent on my boss and co-workers, and so dependent on needing to feel wanted. This time around, I am not dependent on anyone for my happiness or finances. I don’t lay awake and cry that the cute guy never called or that the support check isn’t here yet or that I’m the only one that has this whole lifestyle and home to keep going. It’s a good feeling.
My birthday is tomorrow. Unlike all my birthdays prior to this one, I am expecting nothing more than what I give myself. I always faced my birthday with such high expectations and was always let down. Well, all but one birthday that I can remember were let-downs. This time I made my annual call to a good friend of mine that was born 2 days before me to wish him a Happy Birthday (I missed calling him last year). It felt good because I know he’s a lot like me and always expects more than is rational to expect for a grown adults birthday. His call to me always cheered me up on my day and I know my call does the same for him. So in a way, calling him was almost a gift to myself because I know I made him happy and that is all I ever want to do for the people in my life. Make them smile. People nowadays don’t take the time to reach out to others just because. It seems there’s always some sort of ulterior motive. It feels good to just give to give.
So, for my mothers day I’ve cleaned, done some laundry, took the kids to the grocery store with me, talked to a few friends on the phone and now I’ve got my swimsuit on and am going to go sit in the sun to try and even out my hideous tan I got a few days ago at hepas when I fell asleep in my tube top for a few hours. And for my birthday, well, I have just one thing I am doing for myself for sure. I’m going to treat myself to my annual meal at my favorite restaurant with my 2 daughters. And maybe get a cake. That’s all. And I have no other expectations whatsoever. I’m not allowing disappointment to settle in this time around.
I hope everyone was able to pay tribute to their mom in their own way today. I am going to call my mom right now. Happy Mother’s Day everyone!
It’s Saturday. The buzz of the neighbors lawnmower tries to drown out my radio. I hear another neighbor laughing and talking. The sun is bright and hot and I feel good. My children are constantly in & out. Back and forth from house to house to house…likely all 5 of the gang of kids led by my oldest is draining the pantries of the homes they invade of all visible snacks, just like I see them do here. Nobody has to hurry anywhere. No one needs to do anything but relax today and enjoy life. I still haven’t decided if I’ll take them in to San Francisco today for the fireworks show. It would be nice though. I’m just enjoying the ‘nothing’ and feeling the goosebumps rise on my skin as a classic Led Zeppelin tune plays unexpectedly on my radio. It brings back memories of much simpler times. Carefree times, with little responsibilities and more free time on my hands than I knew what to do with. It reminds me of that summer in the mountains. Lying on a huge granite boulder on my back in the blazing sun listening to the Stanislaus River flow by and my boyfriend fly fishing for hours on end. Feeling love. Watching love. My granite boulder morphed into a plastic chaise. The Stanislaus River is now the waterfall behind me. These are the times I’ll likely look back on in 20 years and remember fondly…yet today they seem so bland compared to my memories as a teen.