Two and a half months had passed since I last talked to him. Saturday he & I exchanged a couple dozen text messages throughout the day and evening. Then Saturday night he came over to visit.
Enough time had passed in order for the healing process to begin. I still have a long way to go but the bulk of the pain has passed. I was confident that I could remain composed and not break down in tears at the sight of him. I knew I could be strong enough for it now. I was excited to see him. But I prepared myself for him to not show up, just in case he’s still up to his old tricks. I didn’t have to wait long. I could hear his car coming up he street from inside my house. I went outside to say hello.
He pulled around and stopped in front of my house. As I walked down my driveway towards him and his new car he belts out “hey girlie”. I walked to his passenger side door, leaned in smiling and said hello. We made small talk, mostly about his new car. He invites me to go for a ride & I decline. I invite him in & he accepts. We go inside and talk in the kitchen. The conversation just flows, like it always had. Effortless. This time though I didn’t have to analyze every word looking for any hidden message or second guess every statement. I owe him nothing and expect nothing from him. I felt hardened.
We joke and laugh for hours about old times. How we met, our trip to Kauai, our trips boating and camping, the trip to Canada, his birthday, the BBQ’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. We conclude a lot of the unfinished business we have. In some of the instances that caused me so much pain he took my hands in his and told me he was sorry, he told me I didn’t deserve what he did to me, he told me he wanted so badly to be the person I wanted him to be and kept trying to be who he thought that was but we were never on the same page again after that weekend we went camping. He told me where he felt we went wrong. We cried together. We both know we lost the chance at a really profound relationship.
One thing I can’t get out of my mind now is the reason he gave for giving me such an impersonal Christmas gift. He said that he wanted to give me something different than what he gave (he didn’t say what it was but I’m quite sure it was the ring we talked about), that he really wanted me to have it and wanted it to mean what it meant, but that he felt it was already too late. So he made sure that my gift meant nothing to me or him. Because it was all over. I didn’t know it was over. I was still willing to work on it.
Another thing that hurt to hear was his admitting that he purposely pushed me away & disappeared from my life so I would stop luring him back in but while he did it he just made excuses and led me to believe it wasn’t intentional.
I’m never going to be the same. But I’ll also always be me. I’m glad the ice is broken now and I no longer have to feel the hatred when I’d see him or pretend I didn’t see him wave. Now I may just wave back instead of cuss him out under my breath. But he’ll never have the part of me that I wanted him to have before.
Everyone comes in to our lives for a specific reason and leaves for a specific reason.
He came back again for a specific reason,
this time I will anticipate that at some point he will leave again, for whatever reason.