Two and a half months had passed since I last talked to him. Saturday he & I exchanged a couple dozen text messages throughout the day and evening. Then Saturday night he came over to visit.
Enough time had passed in order for the healing process to begin. I still have a long way to go but the bulk of the pain has passed. I was confident that I could remain composed and not break down in tears at the sight of him. I knew I could be strong enough for it now. I was excited to see him. But I prepared myself for him to not show up, just in case he’s still up to his old tricks. I didn’t have to wait long. I could hear his car coming up he street from inside my house. I went outside to say hello.
He pulled around and stopped in front of my house. As I walked down my driveway towards him and his new car he belts out “hey girlie”. I walked to his passenger side door, leaned in smiling and said hello. We made small talk, mostly about his new car. He invites me to go for a ride & I decline. I invite him in & he accepts. We go inside and talk in the kitchen. The conversation just flows, like it always had. Effortless. This time though I didn’t have to analyze every word looking for any hidden message or second guess every statement. I owe him nothing and expect nothing from him. I felt hardened.
We joke and laugh for hours about old times. How we met, our trip to Kauai, our trips boating and camping, the trip to Canada, his birthday, the BBQ’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. We conclude a lot of the unfinished business we have. In some of the instances that caused me so much pain he took my hands in his and told me he was sorry, he told me I didn’t deserve what he did to me, he told me he wanted so badly to be the person I wanted him to be and kept trying to be who he thought that was but we were never on the same page again after that weekend we went camping. He told me where he felt we went wrong. We cried together. We both know we lost the chance at a really profound relationship.
One thing I can’t get out of my mind now is the reason he gave for giving me such an impersonal Christmas gift. He said that he wanted to give me something different than what he gave (he didn’t say what it was but I’m quite sure it was the ring we talked about), that he really wanted me to have it and wanted it to mean what it meant, but that he felt it was already too late. So he made sure that my gift meant nothing to me or him. Because it was all over. I didn’t know it was over. I was still willing to work on it.
Another thing that hurt to hear was his admitting that he purposely pushed me away & disappeared from my life so I would stop luring him back in but while he did it he just made excuses and led me to believe it wasn’t intentional.
I’m never going to be the same. But I’ll also always be me. I’m glad the ice is broken now and I no longer have to feel the hatred when I’d see him or pretend I didn’t see him wave. Now I may just wave back instead of cuss him out under my breath. But he’ll never have the part of me that I wanted him to have before.
Everyone comes in to our lives for a specific reason and leaves for a specific reason.
He came back again for a specific reason,
this time I will anticipate that at some point he will leave again, for whatever reason.
You are an incredible woman, I can identify totally with your writing. I too am in recovery going on 21 years. My wife and I are divorced almost a year we were together for 19 years. I was devastated, hurt, heart broken. I still am but I know as you did, I will survive.
I think the thing that hurts the most is she won’t even acknowledge I’m alive. I never cheated i was devoted. She on the other hand cheated lied manipulated and took advantage of my good nature.
I still love her though
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I really enjoy understanding what you are going through. I like the idea, there are common, at least similar things in women – human beens, whereever they might be living. all the best for you over there, keep up this kind of positive thinking:)
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Always I sit here reading yoru words. I try & think of something to write. All I ever come up with is ~ your my bestfriend & I will always be here for you. Sorta like when my divorce started all the crazy shit. You sat there listening to every (boring) word I said so that I could come to my own conclusion. I LOVE YOU FOR THAT WOMAN! Cheers to our friendship!
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Hey you!
I think that your inner strength and ability to pick yourself up and move forward has always been there, it was just numbed by the inevitable anger, resentment and self doubt that I’ve spoken about before. As you rightly say it takes time (and I will add “life” and “he “willingness”) to see and accept things for what they are. Time and life are inevitable but a willing spirit requires choice.
Some smart ass once said that “the mere existence of choice puts pressure on one to use it”, true enough. In order to protect ourselves we all to often bow to that pressure and take the easy, usually reactive and therefore less positive, option.
I believe it’s the choices we’ve made that define who we are now. We don’t always get it right the first time, or the second or even the third, but in an ideal world we learn more about ourselves each time.
There are enough people out there expressing their opinion of you (and many pissing in your pocket). Of those opinions that matter I doubt that many are negative. Another smartass, this one called Marrion (who calls their son Marrion ffs?) said “life’s tough but it’s even tougher when you’re stupid”. Recent events aside I don’t see life being too tough for you in the future and I know you’ll bounce back yet again.
I stand by my previous description of him but I’ll give him cudos for having the courage to be honest with you. There’s probably hope for him yet lol.
Enough sermonising for now.
Don’t forget to brush your teeth and clean up your damn room!
That’ll teach you to call me “papabear”!!!
Cya soon 😉
E
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Hiya…
I really liked this blog and the positive spirit in the way you’ve written it. I’m so happy to see that you can, one-by-one, take steps forward in your life and hopefully use the experiances you’ve gained in a positive direction. One friend of mine said to me, when I was at the lowest point in my life, that crises leads to development and strenght to use in the future. I hope that you can feel the same way.
Your friend
Racoon
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