Two and a half months had passed since I last talked to him. Saturday he & I exchanged a couple dozen text messages throughout the day and evening. Then Saturday night he came over to visit.
Enough time had passed in order for the healing process to begin. I still have a long way to go but the bulk of the pain has passed. I was confident that I could remain composed and not break down in tears at the sight of him. I knew I could be strong enough for it now. I was excited to see him. But I prepared myself for him to not show up, just in case he’s still up to his old tricks. I didn’t have to wait long. I could hear his car coming up he street from inside my house. I went outside to say hello.
He pulled around and stopped in front of my house. As I walked down my driveway towards him and his new car he belts out “hey girlie”. I walked to his passenger side door, leaned in smiling and said hello. We made small talk, mostly about his new car. He invites me to go for a ride & I decline. I invite him in & he accepts. We go inside and talk in the kitchen. The conversation just flows, like it always had. Effortless. This time though I didn’t have to analyze every word looking for any hidden message or second guess every statement. I owe him nothing and expect nothing from him. I felt hardened.
We joke and laugh for hours about old times. How we met, our trip to Kauai, our trips boating and camping, the trip to Canada, his birthday, the BBQ’s, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. We conclude a lot of the unfinished business we have. In some of the instances that caused me so much pain he took my hands in his and told me he was sorry, he told me I didn’t deserve what he did to me, he told me he wanted so badly to be the person I wanted him to be and kept trying to be who he thought that was but we were never on the same page again after that weekend we went camping. He told me where he felt we went wrong. We cried together. We both know we lost the chance at a really profound relationship.
One thing I can’t get out of my mind now is the reason he gave for giving me such an impersonal Christmas gift. He said that he wanted to give me something different than what he gave (he didn’t say what it was but I’m quite sure it was the ring we talked about), that he really wanted me to have it and wanted it to mean what it meant, but that he felt it was already too late. So he made sure that my gift meant nothing to me or him. Because it was all over. I didn’t know it was over. I was still willing to work on it.
Another thing that hurt to hear was his admitting that he purposely pushed me away & disappeared from my life so I would stop luring him back in but while he did it he just made excuses and led me to believe it wasn’t intentional.
I’m never going to be the same. But I’ll also always be me. I’m glad the ice is broken now and I no longer have to feel the hatred when I’d see him or pretend I didn’t see him wave. Now I may just wave back instead of cuss him out under my breath. But he’ll never have the part of me that I wanted him to have before.
Everyone comes in to our lives for a specific reason and leaves for a specific reason.
He came back again for a specific reason,
this time I will anticipate that at some point he will leave again, for whatever reason.
What exactly is an open relationship?
My definition of ‘open relationship’ is there’s no commitment to any one person. So isn’t an open relationship the same thing as ‘friends with benefits’? In other words, if a person wants an open relationship he or she is a polygamist. And that word (for me) stirs all sorts of feelings & emotions and reminds me of the polyamorists in Utah that have large, extended families and everyone loves everyone and they all share beds & household chores & have long hair & wear long dresses & want peace & incest & molestation (*note: I know this is not the rule about polyamorists but it IS the reputation they have).
This is one area that I’ve never been able to sway my beliefs into the other direction just for a test drive. I strongly feel when I am in a relationship that my commitment to that person (and them to me) is complete. I don’t have sex with anyone but him and I don’t share certain thoughts with anyone but him. I expect the same from my partner. Why even bother to be with that person if you aren’t going to be number one next to none? If I am not able to physically & emotionally satisfy my partner and he shows an interest in an open relationship, to me, it’s his way of having permission to cheat and therefore should just move on to finding his happiness without me.
Being in love isn’t something I can control. I also cannot be in love with more than one person at a time. It’s a special place deep in my heart that has room for only one. People fall in & out of love. They don’t fall in & in love. At one point in my life I could have several partners at once (not at the same exact time but rather a few separate fuck buddies) but none of them would ever/could ever have my heart completely. Perhaps I could be in a situation like that again someday, but not right now. Being one of many doesn’t make me feel very good. Why would I be chosen over anyone else? What’s/who’s to say I’m any different than the 4, 5, 6 or more other women he’s having his open relationship with? It’s like having a handful of jelly beans, each a different color. You could put them all in your mouth at the same time and yes, there will be a taste. It might taste good but you’re not savoring each separate flavor on it’s own. You will never know what it might make you feel, see, learn if you didn’t take the time to try each one, one by one. Giving them a chance to give you what they were created to give you. Then next time you come across a bowl of those jelly beans again you won’t know which one tasted the best and which one left that bad aftertaste without taking the time to experience every one.