Communication with my partner has always been a huge hurdle for me. In the past I always had relationships with men who were quick with their vocabulary in arguments. I, on the other hand always stumble on spoken words. I’d have plenty to say but the words would never just flow out naturally. Definitely one of my weaker points. I always felt attacked and would withdraw. For the first time ever, I am able to communicate with the man in my life. What has changed?
I don’t really see much difference in who I am now in comparison to who I was in the last relationships I’ve had, but something is very different. I guess it’s something inside me that has grown stronger over the last 18 months of single-motherhood. It’s much harder to intimidate me now. I know what makes me happy and what doesn’t and I don’t let people talk me into or intimidate me into something I don’t want for myself. I say no when my gut tells me to say no. I say yes when I know it’s a definite yes. And if I’m unsure I know it’s alright to say so.
I’ve always been very good at communicating in writing or over the phone. My first real job was at the phone company and I dealt with close to a hundred calls a day. It helped me hone in on how to control the caller without them ever knowing it. My gift of writing came from my mother. She always had just the right combination of words to get her point across on paper. She only recently discovered my writing skills and her tear-filled phone conversation we had spoke volumes about her pride in me. She didn’t have to tell me she is proud, I could hear it in her crackly voice. It’s nice to be noticed by her for something good I’ve done.
When I meet someone new I can usually get a good sense of their demeanor and I like to imagine how I’d get along with that person on a more personal, day-to-day basis. Our communication is most important. In the past, I always let him lead when I should have been the one to lead me. In my relationship now, I am leading me. He is leading himself. We compromise. We talk to one another. He listens. I listen. We still disagree on things but at least I don’t feel as if I will be belittled if I speak my mind. Now I have to work on my stubbornness. He’s also just as stubborn, and like me, will sacrifice the relationship if it’s something he feels strongly about. Luckily our eyes are wide open to it.
Anyway, speaking of communication. I need to apologize to some of you who sent me e-mails that I never replied to. I have 150 e-mails right now that I saved so that I could go back & reply to because they touched my heart and wanted to let the writer know. But I haven’t yet and I’m sorry. I still plan to, so that e-mail you sent 2 months ago may show up as my reply soon! I wouldn’t suggest holding your breath for too long though. :o)