I decided in March that I would take the majority of the Summer off. It made no sense to work to pay a sitter to sit in my backyard with my kids and eat my food and swim in my pool when I could do it myself and still be just as broke. I saw it as an opportunity to help my children reconnect to the home-life they knew before my husband and I separated and also as a chance to make more progress on my book as well as fully heal emotionally from my most recent life decisions. It gave me plenty of time to make new mistakes, new triumphs, new friends and new enemies. All the entertainment just led me where it always has, thinking it all through. Analyzing every moment over & over & over until my mind comes to whatever logical (or sometimes not-so-logical) conclusion to it. That thought process (which drives me mad and those around me, borderline insane (and I am not typically a very talkative person)) created how my ‘Summer off’ chapter will end.
I’m making a few changes in my life, a few minor, a few major. One change I am glad I decided not to make just before this post is deleting this blog. Only because I couldn’t figure out how to keep it for myself and make it look to everyone else as if it had been deleted. Ahhhh, ignorance IS bliss! hehe
There are many reasons why I wanted to delete it but none of them were important enough to me or my life to erase a time in my life that completely mapped my future. So much of that time-period hasn’t even made it here yet…but it will…when the time is right. I have found that I am the type of person that lives hard and fast, barely stopping long enough for vital nutrients or rest before I am creating my next thrill practically blind from lack of everything good for me. My Dad lived the same way and died at a young age because of it. So I find myself using his same line I heard him use dozens of times before he actually did die. He’d say, “I know I’m going to die young but at least I’ll have a good looking corpse.” Anyone that knows me in real life is cracking a smile right now because you can hear my voice and see the intent on my face from when you were standing with me when I said it when we were together.
So that brings me to my next thought, I am going to escape for a while and take a roadtrip before the Summer is over. My daughters are only out of school a few more weeks and I only have them part-time. I am going to take this last bit of time to heal my mind and body and give my girls my uninterrupted attention so we all have our heads ready for homework and tests and reports and bedtimes again.
My Summer off was fun. But not fun enough to ever want to relive it. Once was more than enough. I learned a lot. More than any book or course could have taught me using the same amount of time. At some point I will write all about it…when the time is right, when I am driven to put it all into words. I’ll likely pop online now & then, but I’ve deleted all my ‘Summer fun’ accounts on the net so I’ll just be here to get my mail, blog, IM with the friends I’ve made & hangout when I can on my favorite sites.
I just want to add one last thing. I have met so many people online. The net is so diverse and is not a whole lot different than walking into a huge bar in San Francisco (or any bar in any metropolis). The comfort you get on the net though… that you never get in some huge bar, it provides each of us a way to let some hidden, taboo, fetish, perverse (whatever you want to call it) or even the real side of ourselves out, even if it’s just the simple act of chatting to strangers openly. We feel more at ease because it seems there is no way to ever be held accountable. Most of the time some are lucky (or unlucky) enough to never be held accountable for whatever guilty pleasure they participated in while online. We all have our different reasons we use to justify our time doing what we do on the net but I think our reasons are actually all the same, and likely the same as those who prefer the bar scene. Companionship, friendship, kinship. We’re lonely and seeking relationships with other people who may share our same thoughts, goals, needs, desires but we don’t have to risk the DUI after we got drunk and offended every patron in the bar or the 7 bars we hit on our way back to where we parked the car. We did that without ever having to leave the comfort of our cozy homes. Just kidding! Well, partly. You know what I am saying. Wait? What the hell am I saying? TeeHeeHee! Oh yeah…
…what I am trying to say is, in my opinion, we come here likely for similar reasons, yet tend to chastise those who are here for the very thing we’re here for because they may be treated slightly different than the way we’re treated. I suppose that does happen in the bar too…but it’s always the occasional, trashed stumbler-by that gets the brunt of the abuse. Never the regular that always has a smile and never spits in your face as they pass by ya on their way to the pisser. That’s why they gave it a fancy name like The Golden Rule. Socially inept, why not morally inept too? Who woulda thunk such opposite people existed on the same Earth. I imagine they created one-another. One finds pleasure in making people smile while the other enjoys to watch the pain they create. Oops…I’m sorry. I seem to have spilled my sarcasm. Eh…no need for me to get a towel. It’ll be fine if it soaks in.
Have a beautiful, safe, fulfilling rest of Summer 2007. I will see ya around I hope.
P.S. My laptop became victim of an immature, lovesick internet LUNATIC and is now a sad, less than a year old, barely used (for what it should have been used for), expensive piece of SHIT and if there is anyone out there (with credentials) that could help me restore it to it’s previous pristine workability please contact me anytime (asap, lmao) at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Even just advice would help(credentials not necessary here, but an alert mind is).