Kinda shocking


I am in no way, shape or form – perfect. I have big troubles and little troubles, just like everyone. One of the reasons I ended my marriage was to gain my independence. Independence meant making my own decisions without anyone really leading me & my thoughts.

The two year mark is quickly approaching. Looking back, I’ve made some really bad decisions. I don’t regret anything though. Every bad decision had a valuable lesson I needed to learn.

Now I understand what was meant by the statement, “consider yourself blessed if you have one good friend in your lifetime”. I thought I did. Man, was I ever wrong.

I thought a best friend was trustworthy, loyal? After 20 years of friendship, I was stabbed in the back. I still haven’t been able to make sense of it. I can’t see what was gained by betraying my trust. It’s something I would have never done to my best friend. I should have expected it. I can’t even trust my own mother, I don’t know how I allowed myself to trust someone who basically is a stranger.

Trust is not something that should automatically be given when dealing with anyone. I’ve learned that now. I’ve learned that people do & say things, make up lies, stretch the truth because they’re jealous (among other things). Jealousy is the one emotion I’ve had to learn to accept in my life. I deal with it on a daily basis. It’s ugly and destructive. It destroys the good in people if they allow it to settle in. 

When I was born, jealousy ruined what, if any, relationship I would have had with my brother. He’s 10 years older than me & had those 10 extra years with our parents before I came along. So the story was, he was an accident & I wasn’t. Mom & Dad didn’t decide to get married until they decided to have me. My Dad resented my brother, in a way, because he wasn’t ready to have a child when my brother came along. My brother has mistreated me, disrespected me and undermined me every chance he got and gets. 

He resented the fact that I am a female. I was always able to date easier than he was. He resented me because my Dad & I bonded, yet he never could. He was jealous of me because he wanted a motorcycle when he was growing up but my Dad would never let him because he said they were too dangerous but I got my horses when I was about 9. My brother got hooked on drugs and didn’t get his life in order again until he was about 30. Me being 20 when he finally got clean, I had my life in order, I was newly married and had a really good job…my parents recognized this and suggested I buy the family home from them. So I did. My brother hates me to this day because I still live in the house he & I grew up in. My parents were riddled with guilt from him so they more than made up for me having this house by making sure his bank accounts were fat, that his children were sent to the best private schools, that his wife who never worked a day in her life with him has the nicest, newest mom-mobile paid in full. If he falls a little short on a downpayment for a new house, he doesn’t have to sweat it – it’s taken care of and never needs to be repaid. The list is endless and even though I find it kinda disgusting, I’m not jealous in any way.  

Needless to say, jealousy ruined any chance my brother & I had for any type of friendly relationship. Even now with my divorce, he hasn’t been there for me in any regard. It hurts. But I refuse to let him or his negativity bring me down. 

I’ve learned now to be careful of what I ask for. Wanting my independence and having an overwhelming desire to just do it all on my own has put me right where I imagined I’d be as an adult. Nearly alone. 

I wouldn’t trade it for anything else right now!

I’m a firm believer in “what comes around, goes around”. Maybe this is all my payback for things I’ve done to the people in my life. If so, I deserve it. If not, those who have wronged me will get theirs someday.       

  

11 thoughts on “Kinda shocking

  1. Hey D,
    I wanted to read your posts. Eventhough you I’m the one that stabbed you in the back. YOU ARE MY BESTFRIEND. What I did was because I care for you! It really surprised me how your mom reacted. In my heart I had to do it! I hope you will understand. I know that A only gives a shit about himself. He is a person that is manipulating a strong woman. How could you fold for a man like him? You know his motives of control. He will use them until he has you! There I said it! He is the worst person for you right now or anytime for that matter! I want to see my friend happy!! I care for her and know she deserves the best!! Please contact me! I am your true friend you just have to understand I will ALWAYS be here for you not matter what! I wub yah!

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  2. I wasn’t taking sides or looking for kudos. You both need a good slap but I’m afraid you’d both enjoy it too much 😉 . I’m one of those biased admirers but my bias is based on what I’ve read, here and elsewhere, rather than what I’ve seen. You’re both worthwhile people and a public slanging match is demeaning to both of you.

    As usual … take care!

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  3. thank you enig and stop relentless about yours or anybodys money already. You know that it is a total lie about me giving a shit for money or that i ever got mad . That is just low. woooop

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  4. As always, you don’t listen to what I have to say. Where did I say I’m a fucking saint? And my money…how many times did you ask me how much I have? I remember you getting angry at me when I told you that was none of your business.

    I did say that about my moms will because I know how she is. I call her daily to ease her mind. Her will is her business. Why are you so concerned with it? You’ve lied to your mom for a couple years now…for what reason?

    Who’s trying to portray themself as a saint here?

    I specifically said to you that it would be unfair to you to expect you to change. That you don’t possess all I’m looking for in a partner. That’s as real & honest as I’d hope someone would be with me if we were planning on taking things to a next level & they weren’t ready. You say it’s more my loss than yours that we’re not going to be together. I’m not even going to comment.

    Good luck.

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  5. Hey You,

    I came back for a second read and maybe to contribute some inane comment but was drawn into the back and fro “commenting” and find myself conflicted.

    One the one hand I applaud and encourage anyone who has the balls and the integrity to open themselves up to public scrutiny, God knows I’ve sermonised about it enough here. On the other I believe that there are things that should remain private. It’s here that I must show my hypocrisy.

    Hep. I live a world away. I’m short, fat and ugly (just ask the wicked witch of the west). I don’t have an agenda or a vested interest other than I follow Relent’s posts with genuine interest. Having said that I’ve got to tell you that your comments smack more of attempted “outing” and retribution than a worthwhile or earnest contribution to a sincere post.

    Obviously there are issues that you both need to address. Blaming, accusing and disparaging remarks only add to the list of issues rather than resolving any of them. Whether or not those issues can be resolved is up to you guys. If you think that you can’t and you need to express the above publicly you’re just as able to start your own blog as anyone else.

    You have Relent’s home address, her private email address even her home and cell numbers. If you want to set things straight use them! If you don’t then leave her alone and get on with your future.

    Relent. Other than justifying yourself what can be achieved by playing this out in public?

    As “outsiders” we don’t know the facts. I dare say that many of your admirers will already have an opinion of you based on what they’ve seen or read and I’m afraid that I agree with Hep when he implies that mostly these opinions are biased. Justifying yourself publicly may earn you some brownie points but will not change their opinions. You only owe it to yourself, your “real” friends, your family and to Hep to be honest. You don’t owe the rest of us anything.

    My advise to you is the same. If you want to set things straight “talk” to Hep. Stop reacting. If you don’t then simply ignore the jibes.

    Take care of yourselves!

    E

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  6. I love the way you can make people believe what you write. Your very good at it, but I know the truth so why lie to me? I guess because everybody would see it.
    Money? I could give a rats ass about money and you know that. Did you not just say to me the other day that you have to call your mom or you might get cut out of the will? You don’t want her to worry? What a crock. Come on “D”. Stop painting yourself as such a saint. You know and I know how you really are. I think I do a little better to tell the truth. I don’t hide behind words. I don’t try to make out I am somebody that im not. With me its what you see is what you get. I don’t really care what the next person thinks unlike you. I never cared what anybody thought about you. Why do you want me to be somebody I am not?

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  7. Like I said, I don’t boast about what I have. How many times do I talk about my car? How many times did I want to make plans for a trip just to realize that I’d be alone if I went? When have I ever shown off what I have? Sounds to me like you felt threatened about what little I do have. What my brother has is misery and a bunch of shit to fill in his void that will always remain there because he’s always trying to keep up with the Jones’. I call my mom everyday because she worries about me and I try to put her mind at ease as best I can…her will has nothing to do with why I call. I vented my frustrations to you because I thought I could trust you and felt you understood me. You’ve shown me that I was wrong.

    Where did I ever trade my pride for money? You seem to be the only one that I know of that is blatently disappointed that I don’t have as much as YOU thought I had. I do have my pride. I’m exactly who I am, nothing more, nothing less.

    I don’t only need love. There’s more to having a successful relationship than just having love for one-another.

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  8. You and your words. Ha!!! If only you could see whats real and not just what you want to see or want others to see. How many times have you made people believe that you were going to take this trip or that trip? How many times do you talk about your car? Or show off what you have? It kills you that your brother has his shit together now and you don’t. You call your mother every day so you won’t get cut out of her will and then talk shit behind her back. Stop making yourself out to be what your not. With everything that I have gone through in my life I would not trade my pride for money. Your loss in loosing me thats for sure. You won’t ever find a man that loves you as I did.

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  9. If I knew without a doubt that we could work out our disagreements then I wouldn’t have ever gone back & forth with my decision to co-habitate. It’s unfortunate that you feel you must swallow your pride in order to have a happy relationship with me. That right there should speak to you loud & clear. We don’t think the same and that’s why we have so much trouble.

    The very first sentence in this post clearly points out that I know I am not good & pure, but I try to do my best. I don’t portray that I am anyone I am not. If someone has a pre-conceived view of me that isn’t real then they just don’t know me personally. I wear my heart & all my baggage right on my sleeve and never lie about my situation. What would be the point? It’s always easier to give advice to someone than it is to apply it to our own situation, that – I’ve always been guilty of. I am not wealthy. But I have enough to maintain my family & me. I am fortunate. I am also grateful for the fact that I have a good head on my shoulders and haven’t allowed all the downfalls in my life to take me out. I’m very grateful for you & your influence in my life. You hold a special place in my heart & always will. I hope that someday you can put aside your hurt & anger so we can be friends again.

    I refuse to say goodbye. Hugs you tight!

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  10. It is funny how people can turn so fast your right. I am amazed myself at how cold and self centered some people can be. I thought that I was a very good judge of people but for the first time in a while i’ve been blind sided. I have never met anybody that can talk about how whats right and not even have a clue as to who they really are. To talk about what other people do and think that your so good and pure kills me. Why put out the impression that your wealthy when your really? Why try to make other people believe your something your not? Is it so bad if a person is just making it but paying there bills and feeding there family? Or do you have to be rich. I know more poor people with a lot more heart and way less bullshit in there lives then some of the well off people that I have met. I hope you find that somebody that will always do things your way with out even considering what they feel. I am sure that theres atleast one out there with out any pride.

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  11. excellent piece relentless. Glad to see another blog. I marvel at your wisdom. Jealousy will kill anyone, and anything your certainly right about that..and yes what goes around does in fact come around…

    ((((( relentless )))))

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