Family


Most of the time, when I write, I just have something on my mind & begin writing and the title of my post comes to me by the end of my piece. Other times I start with the title and try to keep it’s focus in my thoughts. I haven’t been conscious of why I do that or what it may mean. Hmmm, just something to ponder.

With the conclusion of 2007 quickly approaching, I find myself reflecting on the past year, once again. It’s like my inner timer is about to ding. I look back at my accomplishments and failures since my timer reset last year and I feel myself in a hurry all of a sudden. It’s become my pattern in life.

I feel less like a victim this year compared to last. I feel more responsible for where I am now. I’m much happier. I’m not alone like I thought I’d be. Aaron and I have worked through a big obstacle that plagued me and I feel we’ve grown stronger for it. Communication is still a struggle but openness and awareness to all of our individual values has become an important component for assuring our success as a happy & healthy couple. He’s understanding more of how sensitive I am & I am understanding more that he raises his voice just because that’s what he does and not because he’s mad at me.

This year I feel the need to really spend quality time with my daughters. I may not be able to make every dream come true for them Christmas morning this year but what I will do is show them what Christmas really means. Our family has changed so much, especially for them. They don’t have that traditional family unit anymore but I can say without a doubt that the 3 of us are closer now than we ever were or ever could have been had their dad & I not separated. I am not the World’s greatest mom but I do my best & want to show them that they are the most important people in my life & that what is (or is not) under the tree Christmas morning has nothing to do with how I feel about us as the family we’ve become. They work so hard now to be better & do better in all things that have become important to them and I couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s really a great feeling to see them happy & ambitious and gives me a kick in the ass when my troubles get me down.

Unlike my brother & his family…where if you don’t get the perfect gift or spend a ton of money (or time) on each of them, you’re a dirtbag. So, because of some recent events I’ve decided that I will no longer acknowledge I have a brother. I believe there comes a time in life where you have had enough, and albeit tragic, you must sever the ties for good with that person. All my life, I was there for my brother. I would have done anything to protect him. He was my big brother and I looked up to him. I idolized him. But he never saw it & still resented me no matter what. I finally drew my last straw last week and decided enough is enough. I am done. Now that I decided he is no longer a part of me – nothing has changed. My willingness for a relationship with him is the only thing that changed and that you cannot see.

Three years or so trying to remodel my home & I’ve bitten the bullet and am trying to have it finished by Christmas. I am pleasantly surprised by how good it feels to be finishing up what was left undone by my husband. I should have done it sooner but everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. I may not have appreciated it as much had I finished it sooner. But then again, I may not have fallen into many bouts of depression had I finished it sooner & not kept it looming over my head like a dark rain cloud.

So, I feel an anxiety lately that I hope goes away soon. It could be any number of things I’ve got swirling around in my head lately. I’m still scared. But I know it’ll be ok.

Christmas is 15 days away. I hope I am able to meet my goal. Happy Holidays all. 🙂

5 Comments

  1. Hi Relentless.

    It’s nice to see you are heading toward what seems to be a period in your life where you feel you are making some well deserved headway.

    I have also made a great deal of headway this year.

    You inspired me to start my own blog on here if you remember. If by any chance you would like to have a read you can find my story at http://www.creamprince.wordpress.com

    Good luck for the future for you and your family. Happy New Year

    Creamprince

    Like

  2. Hey “relentless”,

    My name is Joshua Meyers and I live in Australia.
    I recently came across your blog and it’s very interesting.
    We have the same profile layout. whatta coincidence.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say you have a great blog and you should come visit me sometime. http://www.joshmeyers.wordpress.com/

    Happy HOlidays, josh

    Like

  3. Such a nice blog, glad things are working out for you ,everyone deserves happiness ,sometimes that means we must be apart to be happy.Children are our most precious resource,as parents it is our job to try & bring them up to be the best they can be.That doesnt always mean a lot of money spent, love & time are more imporant.
    Merry Christmas to you & yours

    Like

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