Most of the time, when I write, I just have something on my mind & begin writing and the title of my post comes to me by the end of my piece. Other times I start with the title and try to keep it’s focus in my thoughts. I haven’t been conscious of why I do that or what it may mean. Hmmm, just something to ponder.
With the conclusion of 2007 quickly approaching, I find myself reflecting on the past year, once again. It’s like my inner timer is about to ding. I look back at my accomplishments and failures since my timer reset last year and I feel myself in a hurry all of a sudden. It’s become my pattern in life.
I feel less like a victim this year compared to last. I feel more responsible for where I am now. I’m much happier. I’m not alone like I thought I’d be. Aaron and I have worked through a big obstacle that plagued me and I feel we’ve grown stronger for it. Communication is still a struggle but openness and awareness to all of our individual values has become an important component for assuring our success as a happy & healthy couple. He’s understanding more of how sensitive I am & I am understanding more that he raises his voice just because that’s what he does and not because he’s mad at me.
This year I feel the need to really spend quality time with my daughters. I may not be able to make every dream come true for them Christmas morning this year but what I will do is show them what Christmas really means. Our family has changed so much, especially for them. They don’t have that traditional family unit anymore but I can say without a doubt that the 3 of us are closer now than we ever were or ever could have been had their dad & I not separated. I am not the World’s greatest mom but I do my best & want to show them that they are the most important people in my life & that what is (or is not) under the tree Christmas morning has nothing to do with how I feel about us as the family we’ve become. They work so hard now to be better & do better in all things that have become important to them and I couldn’t ask for anything more. It’s really a great feeling to see them happy & ambitious and gives me a kick in the ass when my troubles get me down.
Unlike my brother & his family…where if you don’t get the perfect gift or spend a ton of money (or time) on each of them, you’re a dirtbag. So, because of some recent events I’ve decided that I will no longer acknowledge I have a brother. I believe there comes a time in life where you have had enough, and albeit tragic, you must sever the ties for good with that person. All my life, I was there for my brother. I would have done anything to protect him. He was my big brother and I looked up to him. I idolized him. But he never saw it & still resented me no matter what. I finally drew my last straw last week and decided enough is enough. I am done. Now that I decided he is no longer a part of me – nothing has changed. My willingness for a relationship with him is the only thing that changed and that you cannot see.
Three years or so trying to remodel my home & I’ve bitten the bullet and am trying to have it finished by Christmas. I am pleasantly surprised by how good it feels to be finishing up what was left undone by my husband. I should have done it sooner but everything happens when it’s supposed to happen. I may not have appreciated it as much had I finished it sooner. But then again, I may not have fallen into many bouts of depression had I finished it sooner & not kept it looming over my head like a dark rain cloud.
So, I feel an anxiety lately that I hope goes away soon. It could be any number of things I’ve got swirling around in my head lately. I’m still scared. But I know it’ll be ok.
Christmas is 15 days away. I hope I am able to meet my goal. Happy Holidays all. 🙂