Are you smellin what I’m steppin in?

I had a bunch of SHIT happen yesterday that I need an opinion/advice on. Let me give you a bit of background information on it…

The girls involved are 10 (my niece) and 12 (my daughter).

They were both given new cell phones by their Grandmother at the same time and the bill goes to her.

Yesterday my daughter went to a birthday party and met a girl that goes to school with my niece. My daughter sent her cousin a text message telling her she was at a birthday party and had met a classmate of hers. Her cousin replied saying that she didn’t care and that she was off doing something more fun (stupid drama, I know…but bare with me). My daughter replied back saying that there were a bunch of hot guys at the party too and how fun it is (yes, she IS my daughter). Her cousin replied back again and said she didn’t care because her boyfriend was the hottest guy out there. My daughter responded with, “I have your boyfriends number, I’ve talked to him and he’s a fag”(I know, I know…I’m almost done). From there the two of them went round & round with little insults until my daughter stopped responding. (Note: my daughter never called her cousins boyfriend, she did have his number at one point because her cousin asked her to call him for something but she did not keep it)

(Ain’t parenting FUN!?!)

About an hour after we got home from the birthday party my daughter gets a phone call from her cousin. She says to my daughter…”my Dad (my brother who I haven’t considered is family for a while now) got a new truck, we’re out in front of your house, come outside and look at it and take a picture of it”. My daughter said no and hung up. Her cousin (who is 10, FFS) knocks on the front door. I answer it and look out past my niece and see my brother hiding in my front yard close to the front door. I tell my daughter to talk to her cousin. I step back and give them some space but I remain close to hear what happens. My niece just stands there, not saying anything, shaking like a leaf. The two just stare at each other. I pipe up and ask her to say what she’s gotta say. So she says to my daughter, “why do you have my boyfriends number in your phone, you need to stop calling him and take his number out of your phone”. My daughter tells her she never had his number in her phone, nor did she ever call him then invited her to look for herself. My niece took her phone and started to look through it. Then she started pressing buttons like she was deleting things and my daughter told her to stop and give it back. She pulled away and my daughter went after her, grabbed her arm that had her phone in it, her cousin yanked it away then threw the phone down on the ground hard. My BROTHER comes out from behind my garage, RUNS to the phone and HUCKS it out into the street, then gets in his truck and runs over it on purpose.

(Ain’t family GREAT!?!)

Of course, cell phones and MySpace are so important to the kids these days so my absolutely devastated daughter called her Grandma to tell her what had just happened. Grandma’s initial reaction to it was she would replace her phone and cancel her cousins phone. She threw in that my brother will need to find a new babysitter AND a new mother because what he did wasn’t acceptable (right ma, just like all the times he’s treated me or my family this way before. The fucking guy is 44 years old he needs to get over the fact that I’m here to stay and not a hamster they brought home one day that is just gonna die when it’s mistreated). Anyway, ooops…so my question(s) is(are) this(these):

Should Grandma replace the phone?
Should Uncle Jealous replace her phone?
Should Cousin Jealous get to keep her phone/lose her phone?

I ended up calling the police and filing a report and I’m going today to get a restraining order against my brother. I obviously stand behind my daughter and although I don’t think it was very nice to tease her cousin the way she did, my brother should not have gotten involved the way he did. So…I wonder if there’s an easy answer or if there’s an answer at all? Can you see it with impartial eyes and come up with a solution? He thinks he did nothing wrong (according to my mom) and that my daughter is to blame for all of it. Even if she is, the two girls should have handled it without anyone else getting involved. Am I wrong??? HELLLLLLLLP!

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8 responses to “Are you smellin what I’m steppin in?”

silvertronic

March 26, 2008 at 3:01 pm

hi its a pity when the kids are bought into the upset but it happens alot , i think that it shame your daughter has lost her phone so if someone want to replace it let them. has to what he did he should have known better. hope you get it sorted soon

S
xxx

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MateinManchester

March 24, 2008 at 7:41 am

Hi,I Saw you on JMeeting before, my god you are fit. Thats a quality profile pic too – suberb body and very sexy.
thanks for the quick show, it certainly got the blood flowing – i was looking for you in the rooms. Look out 4 me, i sometimes have my cam on – hope you like it…just let me know if u want to see me and im not on show. (i found i get a few blokes trying it on and its not for me, so i only use cam when i find a hottie like yourself)
See you around x 🙂

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Enigmatik

March 20, 2008 at 5:09 pm

Hi again!

Just a quick response to Chris’ opinion on whether the girls should own a phone if I may.

My daughter, for reasons that I wont discuss here, has had a mobile (cell) phone since the age of seven and I’m pleased to say that to the best of my knowledge she’s a very responsible user. She’s no angel but on the whole she doesn’t abuse what she sees as a privilege.

Whilst I agree that “kids will be kids” it’s generally accepted that children develop a sense of social responsibility and right and wrong from an early age. I accept that the following is a generalisation but I think it’s appropriate here.

From a legal point of view a child of seven can demonstrate “mens rea” (guilty mind). From a religious view there’s a Jesuit maxim: “Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man” and from a child development viewpoint a child of intermediate school age can, among other things, “respect and understand the personal rights and feelings of others”.

That we’re all individuals is a given and I accept that not everyone develops or learns at the same pace but we’re in the 21st century. Children have (and should have) access to technology that will be necessary if they are to succeed in the future. We’re never too young to learn the responsible use of the tools we need to thrive.

TC … E

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chris

March 19, 2008 at 2:23 pm

1. No.
1. Yes, sort of.
3. Not your concern.

Since uncle’s act was deliberate and he’s supposed to be old enough to know better, he should pay back the cost of the phone to whomever it is owed.

The girls, well, they’re kids and one has to expect them to behave like kids first, and not little thinking adults. But more to the point, in my humble opinion, Miss Relentless, neither girl should have a cell phone. Ten is just flat too young, and 12 is marginal. However, it’s not too early for them to learn about responsibility, acceptable behavior and consequences. And all that being said, the only one you can possibly teach that lesson to is your own daughter; everyone else involved in the drama is out of your control.

That’s just my opinion, Miss Relentless. Probably my thinking seems old fashioned and outmoded. But it’s human nature to pick at scabs — by which I mean, one of the hardest lessons to learn is A) not to antagonize those we can easily get a rise out of, just because we can, and B) not to rise to the bait of those who can easily antagonize us. In the end, we are always responsible for our own actions.

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Enigmatik

March 14, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Hey R,

As I suspected, and not so subtly hinted at, the phone really isn’t the issues here. Who should or shouldn’t replace the phone or who should or shouldn’t be sanctioned (punished is such a harsh word) are secondary to “how do I best deal with Uncle Jealous/Dumbass/Monster and provocative mother”?

We can’t control how others think, act or feel We can however control how we react to those things.

Rarely can we influence how others parent their children but we can learn from their mistakes.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought (the dog’s trying to hump a pillow). Dog’s are so easily pleased!

If you consider Uncle Dumbass’ (my preferred description) motives, to elicit a negative reaction from you, it’s obvious that he achieved his goal. Hence my somewhat cryptic “he won” comment. That’s not to say that your reaction was inappropriate. Only you know how it feels to be on the receiving end of his mechanations and only you can act on those feelings.

Sorry if I was ranting. My opinions often bore people lol.

TCOY … E xx

——————————————————

I had a look at the cabins and activities at Curry Village. Yes/No? … if yes could you please price 1 x 2ppl cabin and (if you’re joining us) 1 x 4ppl cabin from 07/26/08 to 07/30/08? If no … an alternative? I would like to book fairly soon to avoid missing out.

I know that cruiser hire is difficult so I’ve made a tentative booking at The King George Hotel in Union Square. Any good?

Yes we’ll talk soon. Sorry if I interrupted or caused any grief last time he he!

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r e l e n t l e s s

March 11, 2008 at 8:45 am

E,

I’ve yet to dig out the dictionary so I can decode your comment. But I’ll do my best with what limited vocabulary I’ve retained in my 30-something years. (Yeah, you owe me big!) 🙂

So, as far as who was the instigator here…I’d have to say that this squabble started a long time ago and that this was hopefully the finale. Cousin Jealous doesn’t know any better and is being guided by someone who has pretty much destroyed his life over jealousy. So, my final answer is…Uncle Jealous. His daughter is constantly in trouble at school over other girls telling her that their clothes are better than hers, or their mom is prettier than hers…so she attacks them by dumping her food on them or pulling their hair and running away.

I’ve always known how ugly jealousy can be.

I would have liked to see Grandma take the phones from both girls but she’s just as much to blame, she’s the one that raised that monster, Uncle Jealous. She can turn best friends into bitter enemies and lives for it.

I think you’re right about the vindictiveness, but this is the first time I’ve ever acted on the urge to get even somehow. I need to get some of the shit I have bottled up about Mr. Jealous out soon…so look forward to more boring blahgging about it.

Nope, I don’t think either girl should be responsible for Uncle Dumbass. He was drunk and driving with his kid out starting shit. His anger towards me was channeled through his daughter aimed at my daughter. That’s where he crossed the line. He’s always been afraid to talk to me. He’s short and I’m usually in heels and the one time we really got into it, we were chin to nose and I finally was able to say what I…you know what…I’ll save that for a new post. Hehe!

Malicious intent? Oh hell yes. I have said it before and I will say it again, to as many people as I can (including the cop that came to take the report the night this happened)…If I end up dead, my brother did it. What’s even more terrifying is my own mother agrees with me 100% and warns me about things he may do. But in this instance, I believe he planned to have his daughter lure my daughter out to the street to see his truck…and because Uncle Asswipe was hiding along the path to his truck he intended to grab her, or the phone or hit her or something along those lines. I saw in his face something I hadn’t seen since he & I used to party together. It scared me. Anyway…I am making this thing way too long.

Thank you E…we will talk soon. K? 🙂

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Steve

March 10, 2008 at 9:55 pm

Man, I thought only crazy crap happened to me! Here’s my take on the situation… If grandma wants to replace the phone, then that’s her perogative(sp?). She wanted to do something nice for her kids, and if she wants to keep doing it… who’s to stop her right? However, if it were me and I were King… I’d take the phone away from cousin Jealous and give it to cool daughter, and tell cool daughter to not speak to cousin jealous until she’s smart enough to understand the value of a dollar. As far as brother jealous… he doesn’t sound like she should be reproducing. If he wants his daughter to have a phone, he should pay for a new one for her. However, since I’ve learned that you have to be in a position to teach value… he may not be the right guy for the job. He needs his ass kicked, and his nuts removed. Again, daughter probably didn’t help, but the one acting childish was 44. Don’t expect a kid to act any better with that as a role model.

Smile though, it’s no longer Monday! Email me sometime. I miss hearing from ya!

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Enigmatik

March 10, 2008 at 6:13 pm

Hey you.

Ok, this might take a while. I’m not going to answer your questions but I will offer food for thought.

At this point let’s consider the ages of everyone involved – 10,12 30 something (that’s one you owe me ;-)..) and 44.

Let me start by asking you a question or two. Answer honestly.

1. Who instigated the chain of events and what were the ultimate consequences?

2. Why did each person act/react as they did and was there malicious intent?

3. Can a 10 and 12yo be held responsible for the consequences of their actions?

4. Was the confrontation initiated by the child?

4. Was the “adult” involvement a result of the children’s actions or were the children’s actions an excuse to be vindictive? (his – breaking the phone … yours – the restraining order).

5. Is replacing the phone the real issue?

Considering your answers to the above:

6. Are sanctions required?

7. Who should be sanctioned?

8. What would be an appropriate sanction?

9. Who is responsible for impsosing the sanctions if any?

Is there a correct answer? There is so much more involved than two children having a spat. I don’t believe that anyone not intimately involved can answer that question with certainty. What we can do is offer an opinion based on what we would do in a similar situation.

Had this occured on my doorstep …

The phone would not be replaced until my daughter learned responsible use of the phone and the consequences of her words. “I” would then replace the phone and my daughter could repay the cost in some way.

My daughter would apologise to her cousin.

I would also explain that her uncle’s actions were extreme and probably not her fault.

(The above is an example of my subjective views lol).

I’ll refrain from commenting on your relationship with your brother or the restraining order other than to say I think that he won … you know exactly what I mean!

Remember … my OPINION only. Not the holy grail of parenting.

Stay in touch and, as usual, TCOY!!

E xx

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