good fortune

I really feel very fortunate to have been able to connect with so many people through writing. I am still amazed at the amount of interest my blog gets. Yeah, I know a lot of it has to do with sex and everyone knows sex sells, but a lot of you actually read, absorb and retain the written content here…then come back for more. I have had the good fortune to have met some very interesting people because of my so-called style and talent. Not many people in my real life have ever taken the time to know me on this level, nor would I expect anyone to take as much time as it would take to get to know who I really am. My humor, sensitivity, pain, happiness, hopelessness and optimism would take many years to learn if you had it to learn in person only.

I’ve never been in a relationship with a man like the one I am in now. It’s unique because hepa is able to read me here & know me personally. Prior to this relationship, the internet was taboo and only appropriate for using e-mail according to my ex’s. If you know me at all you can see why they’re ex’s (well, one of the reasons anyway).

I have agoraphobia. I have a hard time just going to the grocery store at times, so venturing out to meet new people is torture to me. Hepa and I met through a mutual friend and I was pleased when I discovered that he knew his way around the internet. Although it’s not necessarily an attribute I’d purposely look for in a potential mate it has nearly eliminated all the arguments and put-downs I’ve been accustomed to in the past. My agoraphobia even hits me here. I have a lot of anxiety knowing so many people have read my thoughts but then again…do you know for certain that what I write about is true? Only I know for sure. If I seem to disappear from the radar for awhile it’s my nerves. My e-mail box fills up and a lot of you may think I’ve stopped responding to your messages for some reason. No, you didn’t piss me off…I’d sure as hell make sure you’d know if you did. It’s just my avoidance to having to discuss stuff.

The internet provides a certain anonymity and has made it easier for me to have an adult conversation when I want one or just to act like an ass if I feel like it. Most of the time I don’t feel that sense of panic when I talk to someone online, but when I do, it stays a while and I hide. I have a lot to say and I just feel fortunate to have the people I have here that listen, without judgment. It’s safe to me. If I didn’t have this outlet, I would have driven hepa insane by now with my ramblings.

One response to “good fortune”

  1. I think everyone who just read that is wondering “is she talking about me??? Did I freak her out???” I can understand getting wierded out by something like this. I mean I can see it two ways… first off, if your stories here are true… then you’ve left yourself exposed to critisism and judgement. That not only has to take serious guts, but it’s got to have a little euphoric feeling to it somehow. It’d be a trip for me to write about my early exposures to someone elses perversion, or about how I felt about someone being exposed in that sense.

    Two, if this were merely fiction… You’d still be susceptable to everyone’s critisism and judgements for the best works of writing on the net. I can’t emphasize enough how surreal it feels when I read it. It’s got great tone, and it’s so emotional! It’d be tough to swallow harch critisism about something you could have literally or nonliterally put your heart in to.

    I have enjoyed your writings very much. It has made me feel as if I’ve been intrusted with information that is very personal and private and that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Thank you, not only for keeping me entertained but for sharing a little bit of your personal writing.

    Take care! Nice picture of the storm by the way. I love storms…


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