I would like to figure out why I am so afraid to be alone. And is it as horrible as my mind makes it out to be?
Even though I live alone half of the time, I’m not really alone. My mom is always there to talk to but I know she won’t always be, so what then? Talking to mom about things always ends up biting me in the ass because she can’t keep any secrets. The person my information affects always ends up with it and mom is always the culprit. I have my hepa but he doesn’t hear a lot of what I say. He hears what is important though and that’s what matters I suppose. I have my daughters but it isn’t right to talk to them about some things.
I am scared to feel that panic in my chest that I feel when I lose communication with those that are important to me. I feel like I’m not as important to them as I’ve made them to me. I hate feeling like if we’re not communicating because of an argument that I will go against what my gut/heart/mind says and give in just so I avoid that feeling in my chest. I haven’t done that in a long time but I am afraid I may allow myself to again in the future. I guess I’ll just have to stay aware of what is important to me & not give in for anything less.
I was thinking about why I feel so afraid of being alone tonight as I was driving home from seeing my mom for Mothers Day. I thought, she’s alone. More alone than me. If you ask her why she doesn’t have a man around she says she prefers to be alone. But I know when my daughters and I pulled away in the car she went inside and cried. She’s alone and even though it’s very painful for her, she prefers it. The same goes for me, now that I think about it. I enjoy having people with me but can’t wait for the house to empty out so I can be alone. That kind of alone isn’t scary to me because I know those people will be back.
Anyway, I was trying to figure out why I’m so scared and I remembered back to when I was very young, about 5 years old. It was 1978 and I was in kindergarten. There was an earthquake while I was in school and I remember the portable classroom I was in feeling as if a giant grabbed it, shook it and set it down roughly. We had been taught what to do if there was an earthquake but I had no idea what an earthquake felt like. Up until that moment those earthquake drills were fun having to duck & cover under our desks. This was no drill. The shaking was violent and that small classroom filled with screams from all the students and that scared me too. The power was knocked out & the school sent all the kids home early. For the next year or so I was traumatized and couldn’t leave my moms side. I hung onto her and wouldn’t let her leave me. She would stand at the sink after dinner doing the dishes and I was there holding on to her shirt scared to step away. My bedroom at the time was directly across from hers and that was too far for me. I’d beg her to let me sleep in their bed and most of the time they’d let me but sometimes they wouldn’t and I remember standing in my room, the hall light on (it always had to be on at night after the earthquake) crying hysterically begging my dad to let me sleep with them. He was fed up with my behavior and thought that if they force me to be alone that it would cure it. I was threatened with punishment if I left my room and crawl into the bed with them so I’d just sit in my bedroom doorway hyper ventilating from crying and screaming so hard until I was sure my dad was asleep then I’d sneak into their room and sleep on the floor as close as possible to my mom. It went on & on. Just getting worse. I ended up having to be seen by a psychologist over it & whatever they did seemed to work. After a while I was able to sit in my own chair again at dinner time instead of in my moms lap. I started to not panic at bedtime and learned to just wait until I heard dads snoring and then sneak in to sleep on the floor by mom. Eventually I stopped clinging on and seemed to forget about that day.
Now as an adult I think the way my parents handled me until they sought the advice of a professional may have everything to do with my anxiety of being alone. But, I’m no expert. I haven’t thought about that time in my life for a while. I think for me that once I can figure out WHY I behave a certain way or engage in certain activities then my anxiety over it diminishes over time until I no longer let it affect me in anyway. Time passing will be the only way to know if me pulling this instance from my memory is the reason for my fear of being alone now. Thinking the whole thing through again & again will help me exhaust all the questions I have built up in my head that no one but me (I think) can answer. Not until I get those answers will I be free from my suffering.
Perhaps the only cure will be to truly be lonely. To not have anyone there at all. To feel that agony I fear. Feel it and live through it and heal. The thing I fear most is likely what is best for me in order to fix it. I’m just scared.