It’s almost been a year so why do I still struggle to trust again? I wonder if I’ll ever be able to. Right now I’m feeling this overwhelming urge to scream. I am so frustrated.

My whole life was ripped apart when I lost that element of trust in someone. Not a day goes by where I am not questioning something. As far as I know, no man that I had an intimate relationship with ever cheated on me until after I separated from my husband at 32. I’d led a pretty safe, sheltered life up until then. Everyone always looked out for me and cared enough to protect me from things that may harden me. One of the last things my husband said to me before he left was, “are you sure this is what you want because I love you and you know I’ll do anything I can for us and I don’t want to see you taken advantage of, because once I’m gone they’re going to take advantage of you”.

He was so right (present company excluded).

Things aren’t like I expected they would be when I would think about where I’d be at 35. I have only myself to blame. I choose to be involved with the people I’ve involved myself with. I choose to do what it is I do. So, I got just what I wanted. When I was newly single, everything was exciting again. I could stay out all night. I could sleep all day. I could get away with not cooking a single meal all week and no one was there to complain. I could let the laundry pile grow until it got in the way of parking the car in the garage and I didn’t feel guilty. But now, I wish I had someone to make meals for, to clean up after, to wash their clothes and match their socks. I’d like to have someone to wake up to everyday. I miss taking those spontaneous drives on Sunday just to get out of the house for a while. I miss being truly content. I don’t like having to constantly worry that I will find out that it’s all been a lie and she’s been with him whenever I wasn’t. Then having to start all over with someone who will likely have a problem of liking strange pussy and the thrill of the chase too much.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting, under-reacting (if that’s even a word),

imagining things simply due to the fact that I’ve been lied to, or perhaps out of the guilt of lying before myself. I just wonder, after a person cheats can you ever honestly trust them again 100%? And without trust what is the point of staying? I don’t think he’s cheating on me now. But I also didn’t want to think it then either.