Monthly Archives: January 2009

Maybe ten years ago or so, my ex-husband and I got into a big fight and we thought it was divorce. I remember clearly, going in to work in Oakland the day after the  fight, my brother was there, he knew all about the big fight. As soon as he started to say something about it my emotions came out and I burst into tears. I expected him to console me but instead he said, “just make sure [my ex-husband] doesn’t get any of Dad’s money”. I couldn’t believe it! Then maybe a few days later when my ex and I started talking again my ex told me that my brother had said to him that he should divorce me and take everything I have so I end up in some trailer park in the Valley because that’s where I belong…

It’s getting close to a year since I last talked to my brother. It’s been 6 months or so that my mom last talked to him as well. He and my ex-husband are still chummy and finally that’s not sitting well with my mom. I was actually surprised by her decision to cut ties with him over it because in the past I wouldn’t have made any difference in any decisions. It seems that she may be understanding more of what I’ve had to deal with my whole life from my brother. One thing I know for sure, I don’t miss all that drama and unnecessary stress.

The hurtful things he’s said to me over the years have caused me to suppress a lot, as  does any hurtful thing would. But why? Why should I worry about “ending up in some trailer park in the Valley”? If I do, it’s because I want to.  Although I was raised having more than I’d ever need, I’ve never been overwhelmed about having nothing. The things I possess have little to do with who I am. Maybe downsizing, simplifying my life with less in it would be something positive. Part of me wants to move to that trailer park in the Valley just to prove to  anyone still watching that I can be happy no matter where I call home because it’s not my address that is important. It’s being where I feel appreciated, respected and loved that makes me happy. If I can’t feel those things for myself or those around me in the most beautiful place I could ever imagine, who cares what it looks like or where it is? No one is there that means anything to me and I have no one to share my life with. I’d rather be loved in the Valley than alone in high-society.  😉

Who knows?  …I sure don’t.

I’m amazed on a daily basis by seeing again and again the amount of people I know who judge me by my outward appearance and never even get to know me before they come to their conclusions about who I really am. Most being women, some are men. Or so-called men.

Maybe I was raised wrong. Maybe I learned too much about adult stuff too early. Maybe someday I’ll regret being so stubborn about how I teach my children. But something inside me feels strongly about the lessons I’m teaching my girls and I’m going to follow my gut. There are things I can’t do much about now as far as the way they were so spoiled. They both can really be snotty little brats. But one thing for sure is…they’re relentless and when it comes to wanting something, they will stop only when they get it. But they’re good girls. I feel for any boys that cross their paths. If you know me, you know why.

Anyway, I keep to myself. I don’t stir up trouble for anyone. I don’t steal husbands. I don’t steal boyfriends. I don’t talk shit and if you do, I question your character and keep my distance. I only have male friends because women are back-stabbing bitches. I treat others better than I have ever been treated by anyone and I’m never surprised by that fact anymore. I’ve been an addict my whole life and despite the odds, I’m living my life clean and sober.

My children are judged just like I am by the same negative, fearful crowd. Why should I shelter my children and teach them that sex is bad and dirty like so many other people do? What is so horrible about calling a penis a penis? It isn’t a ‘thing’…it’s a penis. Or if my daughter happens to stumble upon my dildo, why not tell her the truth about what it is rather than lie and say it’s a back massager?

I really think our society has become too scared to admit to loving sex. We’ve been taught that those who seem too open about it must be easy or loose.  We’ve suppressed it so much that anyone who shows their sex appeal openly is subject to nasty remarks and being superficially judged. Why? When did this happen? If you hide candy from a child it’s entire life, then they find it on their own without knowing what it’s all about, they’re likely going to eat more than a person that was taught early on what it is. Abuse would be highly unlikely  in the latter case.

We all seek love and sex. Maybe not in that order all the time, but still, isn’t that the main goal in life? Money is just a thing. A thing we HAVE to have. I don’t think my parents thought much about raising me the right way. I think they thought that money would make it all ok. It doesn’t. Sex alone is empty and meaningless. Without love life is pointless.