Daily Archives: February 20, 2009

I’m so pissed off!


One of the things that I have a huge issue with is trusting someone. How am I supposed to trust a person that has cheated on me in the past and lied and now is no where to be found. I don’t understand how someone would knowingly do this to their girlfriend if they truly valued her. How can he tell me that I’m the only woman he’s ever truly been in love with, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, has invested the last 2+ years with me trying to rebuild the damage he did in the beginning and without any note or message or anything he’s gone?

I knew he was all lies. I know now that when I felt something wasn’t right, it really wasn’t. How can a person deceive someone like that and not have a care in the world about how that other person feels? How could he continue to lie when he held me in his arms and told me how much he loved me? How could I allow him even deeper into my soul when it was all lies? Why did I allow him to have such an important role for me when he never really cared for me at all?

I truly believe in karma. We get what we have coming to us. You can’t hide from it. Somehow you’ll pay for breaking the golden rule. I don’t deserve this. And you don’t deserve me.

Loyalty


Why can I give so much of who I am to someone in need, yet when I rely on a person I usually end up disappointed? I thought the rule to follow was something like, treat others how you want them to treat you. How come I’m constantly let down? I treat other people better than I treat myself. When a relationship I have with someone forms into something more than just casual friends I pour my whole being into nurturing that relationship. All of my heart & soul goes into making it the best I can, so that everyone is happy and I guess eventually have it become something permanent and fulfilling. With the exception of a very few relationships, I’ve always wound up confused, hurt and alone at it’s end, wondering what I did wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. The only thing I can come up with is I had too high of expectations and was let down again.

I’ve been a friend to my next door neighbor for 35 years. He’s an old guy. World War II Vet. Retired college professor. Really smart, really stubborn. He has no one but me now. He’s telling me he’s going  to die soon and I’m going to take care of him until he does. But what about him? He’s lived over 80 years, more than twice my age and he has no one but me. Surely he made a friend somewhere. Where is his family? How can any human just abandon another human like that? Sure, he’s mean now and more stubborn than any person I’ve ever known…so what? People need to know that no matter what, someone will help them if they truly need it. I’ve been put in this position for some unknown reason and everyday I can’t help but wonder why? I know I’m learning life lessons, and fast…but what could be the reason? Am I being punished? Am I being rewarded? My belief is I have been chosen somehow to be there for this man that has absolutely no one else and my reward is going to be the character it’s building in me that will enrich my own life. I realize already how much it’s changing me. I’m learning patience. Discipline. And I’m earning respect for myself…which in turn will assure I surround myself with people who will give me the respect I deserve.