11/16/2007: October tears


When I met Aaron I wasn’t looking for a new relationship. I was just coming off of the most painful relationship I’d ever had in my entire life and I was so fragile still. I was very grateful to have a new friend in my life and even though I was instantly attracted to him I didn’t have any expectations other than him simply being a new friend. When we were first introduced I felt myself drawn into him through the windows to his soul…I remember that moment vividly. I saw his rough exterior but sensed his gentle nature. His smile was welcoming and further confirmed his sweet demeanor for me. Before leaving his house I made sure to leave my contact info…I wanted to know more about him. I don’t think 24 hours even went by before we got a hold of each other. I got the feeling the attraction was mutual. This was 9 months ago in mid January.

The first couple of months I tried to keep my guard up. I began to really like Aaron but I was trying to protect my heart and convinced myself to not expect anything from him other than his friendship. The first time we had sex was very unconventional and not intimate at all…which at that time was ok with me because I was afraid of becoming emotionally attached to him. The third time we had sex I let my walls down and I drew him into my heart fully. I’d never felt anyone look into my soul so deeply as he did that night. The only thing I could think of was “what am I going to do now?” Here I was trying to avoid getting too involved…I knew he wasn’t too hip on a relationship with me, yet I couldn’t understand how he could almost effortlessly stir these profound feelings up in me and not want more of what I define as the most intense love making I’d ever experienced. But I stuck with my plan and just told myself again to not expect anything from him but his friendship. It helped. My heart would break every time I’d leave him but not nearly as bad as if I were leaving him knowing I am in love with him and all he wants is to be friends. I fooled myself for about 2 months. I was ok with whatever was going to happen, good or bad. During that time he had gotten involved with another girl and although it hurt I remained just his friend. I was in love with him but I knew I expected nothing in return. I’d be at his house nearly every day. My visits were mixed with laughter and sex and silence and tears. We were just friends. We talked and talked. I healed. The broken pieces from my last relationship were put back together during my hour-long drive to and from his house and in our visits which sometimes lasted 2-3 days in the beginning. I was getting stronger which I never expected to happen so quickly. So many times I wanted him to see me differently but his focus was on someone else and I was ok with that. He was my friend and I was healing because he was and he seemed happy so I didn’t expect anything more. I wanted it. But didn’t expect it.

He ended up taking a short trip to southern California to see a NASCAR race and also met the girl he’d been wrapped up on. On his was out of town he called me and we stayed on the phone until he lost his cellular signal. When he came home a few days later he called me as soon as he got his cellular signal back and we talked until he was in his driveway. I was happy to hear he had a good time but it still hurt my heart. I didn’t let the hurt take over. I prepared myself to have to say goodbye to him sometime in the near future. I forced myself to accept that was to come at anytime. I remained open to whatever may happen but told myself that in the end I will have to say goodbye. It helped but I was still sad. Not too long after he came back from southern California the girl he’d met down there came up to his house for a visit. I gladly gave him his space. I did my own thing. I was happy for him if that’s what he wanted. During her week long visit he called me out of the blue in the middle of the day one day…his voice sounded different. He was strangely more interested in what I had to say & seemed more attentive to my vibes. He told me the visit wasn’t going well. I didn’t show it but inside I was celebrating. After that one call everything changed. He called me several times a day while she was still there and as soon as he dropped her off at the airport to ship her back home he made a bee-line to my house to see me. Everything felt good and positive to me. I felt our connection even more and I was happy for the first time in a really long time. My walls protecting my heart were still up but didn’t take much of a push from him to knock them down. Over the next month or so we grew so close. I was staying with him every other week for a week at a time. We were nearly living together. I’d make dinner, I rearranged his kitchen to suit me, I bought plants, I read to his son before bed, got him up and ready for school and took him to the bus stop in the mornings…I was nesting and it came naturally. I missed him when he was at work and couldn’t wait for him to get home. Then one morning after cleaning his bedroom I sat down at his desk to write him a letter, which was something I did every time I went home before he got home from work. That day I noticed he’d left his computer on and I snooped. Within 30 seconds I found a video he had made just 3 or 4 days before of him with another girl in the very room I was in and that I had just spent an hour cleaning.

My heart hurt. I knew there had been another girl at his house recently because he told me she was there to babysit but he assured me nothing happened. I had no reason to question him further…I accepted what I thought was the truth. After gathering all my things and loading my car up I called him at work. He didn’t answer so I left a message…I don’t remember what I said exactly but I know I was quite angry but I didn’t tell him what I saw on his computer. Several hours later he called me back & I didn’t answer it…in his message he cussed at me for leaving such a nasty message and wanted to know what it was about. He still had no idea I knew. He called a few more times from work, finally I answered his call and I told him I knew he had cheated on me. He denied it. I asked him again what happened when the babysitter came and again he assured me nothing happened. When I finally had had enough of his rude comments and lies and cussing I told him how I knew. All he could do was accuse me of searching through his things. To him it was far worse that I searched into his computer than it was that he cheated on me. I hung up with him and literally broke down. My heart hurt so bad. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t cry hard enough. I was ashamed of myself for trusting anyone again. I was embarrassed of myself for getting him a birthday present that would be coming to him in the mail any day. I was disgusted in myself for allowing someone to pull the wool over my eyes like that and for believing his lies. I had hate for him for continuing to lie when I had found proof of it and for him telling me to fuck off for accusing him of cheating on me. We were through as far as I was concerned. The rest of that Friday I was miserable and overflowing with pain and hatred.

Sunday was his birthday and about a week before he & I made plans for him to be at my house all day Sunday to celebrate it together. I was so sad thinking we wouldn’t be together on what I considered a special day. On Saturday night out of no where my ex-boyfriend showed up and came to make amends with me after 4 months of silence from him. We talked all Saturday night and into Sunday morning. We talked and cried and laughed and mended 13 months of wounds and agreed to always be friends from that point on. I was grateful to him for coming to me to finally apologize, for coming clean about so many lies he’d told and finally bringing closure to so many unanswered questions I had that only he could answer. It was about 6 am Sunday, Aaron’s 44th birthday, my ex and I were just saying goodbye and I was walking him out when there was a knock at the door. At about the same time my phone rang and it was Aaron…being that I was still angry at him I didn’t answer it. Then I figured out who was knocking at my door. He’d driven the 70 miles to surprise me and to try to make up with me for what he’d done. But much to his surprise, my ex’s truck was parked in my driveway. Inevitably I was accused of cheating, which had I slept with my ex, technically it wouldn’t have been cheating because in my heart Aaron and I were through. Well, to make a long story short, we ended up making up and he stayed with me on his birthday. I didn’t do anything with my ex. He was lucky I let him in my house, there’s no way he’d ever get another chance at my body.

After that cheating incident Aaron promised me he’d never do it again and I had hope & faith in him and us and decided to try again.

Nothing was the same again after that.

I stuck with it though, holding onto my hope & faith and those animalistic feelings I’d get when he & I were close. I held on to his promise. About July I began to sense something strange from him or at least I thought I did. For some reason my intuition was screaming to me to run and run fast and far. It scared the shit out of me. But as usual I didn’t listen. I stuck by him but was plagued with suspicion. For weeks and weeks I accused him of everything under the sun. From cheating on me to secretly recording me. From planting microphones to orchestrating a plan to hack my computers. At one point I was even thinking he was planning to kill me. But I stayed. I wanted so badly to believe that he wasn’t lying to me again. I nearly lost him because I was pushing so hard. I stopped and took a step back and slowed everything down. I saw that I was just being paranoid. I worked hard on myself for the next month, fighting the thoughts that he was out to hurt me. I observed him more closely. I listened to my gut. I saw how I had hurt him and did all that I could to make sure it never happened again. He pulled away. I was persistent and wanted to prove to him that my intentions were pure and that I wanted nothing more than to be with him and that I had overcome my suspicions. Slowly he began to open back up to me. One Saturday night in August he came over. It was the first time he’d come to my house in several weeks. We reconnected and it felt so good. He told me how in love he was with me and I felt good and safe again. He went home late that Sunday afternoon but invited me to come over if I wanted. I told him I wasn’t sure if I would and left it as if I wouldn’t be out that night. Several hours pass and I started to really want to be with him. I packed a bag slowly and ended up leaving my house around 5 am. I took my time getting to his house. I was excited thinking about getting to wake him up by my surprise visit. It was about 6:15 am when I got to his house. I went to his front door and it seemed locked so I went around to his side door and went in. Just as I opened the door he was in the hallway walking towards me. The hall was dark and I stepped inside, happy to see him. I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him in close. His heart was pounding hard and his breathing was quick and heavy. I asked him what was wrong. He said I woke him up and it scared him. I threw my arms around him again and apologized for startling him. But I sensed he was lying. He looked different. Guilty. He didn’t look like he does when he just wakes up. I asked him if he was alone and he said no. I asked him if he had a girl there and he said yes. I just stood there in shock. He tried to usher me back into the garage by walking past me and hoping I’d follow him in. I didn’t move. I just stared at him. He couldn’t look at me in the eyes. I just said “I’m gonna go”. I didn’t move. I just stood waiting for him to say something. He didn’t say a word. I said it again, “I’m gonna go”. I walked past him and out the way I came in. I got into my car and just sobbed. I stayed parked in his driveway, crying, hoping he’d come out after me but he didn’t. I pulled away and drove the 70 miles back home. All the while, expecting my phone to ring and it be him telling me how sorry he was, but he never called. Four days I sat alone in silence wondering and mourning over what happened. Finally I get a short e-mail from him apologizing for what he did.

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