1/17/2008: a f f e c t

I didn’t realize how much it affected my daily life. I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I’d wake up with that pain in my side which would make getting out of bed quick…impossible for me. I’d slowly grown used to not grabbing my favorite slim-fitting jeans and opted for the more relaxed, comfortable pair of sweat pants. Today I realized that the grocery store is no longer fun like it was just last week. I had food cravings at times that had me pulling myself out of bed at 3:30 am just for that one milk chocolate Dove ice cream bar. I’d drive 15 minutes away to the 24 hour grocery store here in town, head right to the ice cream isle, right to the Dove bars…I’d eat it while I wandered through the desolate store searching for more tasty snacks (and hopefully masking the fact that I was up, in the grocery store at 4 am, just for ice cream). I don’t really think anyone cared. Food, in general, just tasted better. Even my own cooking had a more vibrant flavor than normal. Chores at home were being completed more to my liking. I was never alone. I didn’t realize it then but I felt it a couple of days ago, as if a ton of bricks landed on me. I was alone. No sounds. No other people. No souls but my own. Six months…I was never alone, not even for an instant. There was the other soul. It filled my life. I never realized it until it was gone. The emptiness felt cold and so silent, it was deafening. I hate it.

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