3/31/2008: c e n s o r s h i p

My open mind about sex often gets me labeled easy or slutty. The label always comes from those who don’t know me well and base their opinion on what comes out of my mouth. Just because I am comfortable with the topic and won’t judge others for their preferences doesn’t mean I have done it all with everyone. I thought I’d try to blame it on me being in my sexual prime but I did some research online and found that a womans sexual prime is a myth. I guess I just have to assume I was raised this way. Although, my sex talk consisted of mom describing to me that oral sex was when he “chews” on you and/or you “chew” on him, I wasn’t made aware of much through mom or dad. The general message I remember is sex is disgusting but dad and mom did it with lots of people before they met one another.

My mom is very open about it now. Although she doesn’t use details often about her & my dad – she is more bold than any other woman I’ve ever known. Besides me. I guess it’s all in the persons upbringing and what they were taught that either makes sexually open women earn the oh so lovely tag of being loose. What I wonder is, are there any ways to find out what the majority/minority of women categorize themselves as and what category our peers would put us in.

Anyhow, I love to write about things I’ve done, things I would like to do and things that just don’t do anything for me with regard to sex. But I find myself worrying as I write out some socially unacceptable sexual scenario in a public forum like this because I know my tastes are not your everyday fantasies. I am afraid of telling too much and regretting it because of the label I will be stuck with. I know in my heart & soul who I am and I am confident about being me. But why does that little warning signal go off when I’m writing out something I get off to knowing people will read it. Why do I even care if a bunch of strangers think poorly of me?

I guess it all comes down to respect. I feel that if I talk/write a certain way I may lose the respect of some people. Have I lost respect for myself? I know I don’t feel very highly of myself right now. But I do respect me. If I have respect for who I am should that be the only thing that matters?

My children are most important to me. If I imagine either one or both of them coming across something explicit I’d written once they’re adults I know they would not judge me for it. On the other hand…if my mom read something she would judge me but not to my face, it’d be done behind my back.

My ex-husband was absolutely cruel to me.

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