3/28/2008: fool


The first few months after my husband left are mostly a blur now. I was single for the first time … ever. I wanted to do all those things my single friends did when I was stuck at home with the babies and/or hubby. There wasn’t anyone there to tell me I couldn’t go here or there. There wasn’t anyone there to watch the clock waiting for me to come home. No one to stop me from giving my phone number to any man I wanted. I all of a sudden had a freedom that I’d only dreamed of and I made every part of that dream become reality, including the consequences.

I spent over a year chasing a guy that basically wasn’t ready for the relationship I wanted. He & I are close friends now. No, not fuck buddies. We’re just good friends. In order to get to where we are now we had to fess up to a lot of unanswered questions each of us had. Things we’d done while we were together and weren’t exactly honest about. Most of my questions that he answered proved to me that my intuition was right…and in some instances my intuition tipped me off to something strange happening but the reality was far worse than I’d even imagined. I’m sure he’d say something like that about my confessions too.

After a couple months of chasing this guy who was giving me mixed signals I started to get fed up and decided that I would stop making him so important and go out and meet some new people. So, come Thursday, Friday and Saturday night, I’d go out either alone, with G & his friends or with my girlfriends. Usually I’d stay semi-close to home. I was drinking a lot back then. So, I didn’t want to drive that far intoxicated (lame, I know). I quickly discovered that being single at my age is not as fun as I thought it’d be. I would see the same men in the bars I went to every single week. I watched their game. Some Most of them were so pathetic. They’d use the same failed approach on every new woman that walked in that they tried on me. They’d wear the same obnoxious flowered Tommy Bahama dress shirt and same cheap cologne…hoping to get lucky. But they mostly didn’t. I did end up giving my number to a couple men but it never went anywhere. I came to the conclusion that 1.) the bar scene was not for me and 2.) I must hunt and capture him for it to be worth while to me, not the other way around. I lose respect for a guy if he chases me. Good men, in my opinion, aren’t easy.

So, all in all, my bar-hopping stopped after maybe 2 months. Instead, I hung out at home. I got busy with repairing my house that hubby left a disaster when he moved out. I also spent a lot of time helping my neighbor with his house. He’s 82, blind and has no family to care for him so I offered to be his care-taker for the remainder of his days. His house needed a lot of work. Most importantly he had no electricity in nearly half the house so I worked on getting that fixed for him. Ironically my hubby is an electrician but there was no way I’d call him for help. I really didn’t know where to find a good electrician that wouldn’t freak out over the hazards at my neighbors house and end up calling social services on him. I talked to G about it and he gave me the name & number of his electrician. I called the electrician and he came by the very next day. N pulled up in his truck and G was following close behind in his truck. I walked out to meet them both and give them an idea of what they were going to see in the house and not to panic. I sensed G was jealous. N was cute and so very full of himself. He was short, shorter than me, maybe, 5’3 or 5’4. Once I brought the 2 guys inside to start working on the problem G had to leave, so N & I are in the dark part of the house trying to find the problem. We talked & talked. He was a really cool guy. He had 2 children, he was only a couple years older than me. But he was married. My reaction to that was relief. I knew…or rather, assumed he wouldn’t end up chasing me around and making me have to put him in his place.

Over the next few weeks he’d come by to do a little work either at my house or my neighbors house. We flirted with each other. I’d send him those signals and he picked up every one of them, then shot his own right back to me. He’d take me out to dinner. Somehow I made it ok in my mind to be the other woman because I was single now. I figured it was his sin not mine. I was upfront about what I wanted and he was just happy to be right where he was. Eventually I had to tell him we needed to end it because he started falling in love and started talking about leaving his wife. Well, He and I are still friends and he’s still with his wife and kids. He’s told me that if it were not for me that he would have ended his marriage and would have nothing but regret and guilt over it. He added that I helped him see his life from a different angle so he could do something about it before it was too late. Luckily things worked out for the best for him and his family.

I looked at my involvement in that situation and I put myself in his wifes shoes. I felt a little guilty for what I did but he wasn’t forced to cheat on his wife. Ultimately it was him that allowed it to happen. My guilt didn’t stick around long, the next thing I knew was I was being wined & dined by F…who was unhappily married with child.

It’s midweek in Spring, 2006. My house is quiet except for all my noise. My flip-flops flip-flopping on the tile floors, the radio turned up loud so I’m sure to hear it in the hot tub out back. I’m enjoying my favorite glass (or 3) of Cabernet and relaxing in the tub watching the sun set. I started texting back & forth with G. Typical of me, I was trying to manage juggling my glass of wine, smoking a cigarette and fumbling with my cell phone when plooop, my cell phone falls into the jacuzzi. I grabbed it and tried drying it off but it was too late. So, I get the bright idea to get in my car and go across town to get a new phone before the store closed. I dry off a little, drink more wine as I put some dry clothes on, grab my keys and phone & head out the door…too buzzed to be driving but I do it anyway. I took the freeway and was there within 10 minutes. As I walk in I see that the store is almost completely empty except for a couple store employees and one gorgeous, 6’5″ man with an animal magnetism so strong I felt my legs get all wobbly as I passed him. He watched every move I made & I was careful not to give him too much attention right away.

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3/13/2008: Oh let me vent


Let me start off by saying. I AM NOT PERFECT! In fact, FAR FROM IT! God knows I’ve dished out a heaping portion of my  own drama. BUT knowing what I know now…I was only reacting to the LIES that I was being forced to swallow all along.

I don’t understand.

How the hell can someone lead someone on with “I love you” and “I can’t imagine living without you” and “I’ve never been this happy in all my life and it’s because of you” and “we’re going to grow old together” then just a few hours later be loving another woman? Well, obviously all he knows to do is lie, deny, avoid, attack. My ex-boyfriend also cheated on me and of all the pain I went through with that relationship at least he had the maturity and the respect for ME to come to me the next day and say “something happened last night that shouldn’t have”.

Just last week I wrote a short article for a website. I was seeking advice about his behavior lately. I have had a gut feeling that he was fucking around behind my back again for quite a while now. And I’ve come to the conclusion that he never stopped fucking around behind my back. I don’t think there was a single moment that he ever meant a word he said to me about his feelings. I honestly don’t think he can ever truly love someone. He’s too eager to feel that new feeling you get when you are with someone new. Now I understand why he is 45 and has never been married. Not because he spent all that time in prison…but because he’s numb. He wants to mean the things he says, but it’s absolutely impossible. Just like he learned to survive in prison, he learned how to mislead and manipulate women to get what he wants.

Here’s what I wrote on www.bettyconfidential.com :

Ask Real Guys

Do You Think He’s Cheating?

Dear Ask Real Guys: My boyfriend has stopped being as attentive for no apparent reason. I’ve told him I miss how he used to be more eager to spend time with me, but he says I’m imagining it. Now he says he’s going to be too busy to see me for at least another week and a half. Since he lives 70 miles away, our schedules (work/kids) make it impossible for even a short visit. He’s cheated on me before. Should I assume he’s cheating again? Or am I making more out of this because I can’t trust him?

Steven: He is most likely cheating on you. There are two kind of cheaters: men who cheat because of a particular situation (i.e., something that’s wrong with the relationship); and then there are cheaters, men who chronically desire other women and act on those feelings. The first kind can possibly be cured; the second you are better off running in the opposite direction.

To understand the difference, ask him, “Given you have cheated on me in the past and given you are now distancing yourself, how can I know and trust you’re not cheating on me?” If he gets defensive or starts blaming you and/or doesn’t want to provide you with details or offer a workable solution, chances are he is or will soon be cheating on you. Remember, if you don’t stand up for yourself you can bet he won’t be standing up for you.

*

The answer I got was no surprise to me. The past 2 months, shit…the past 14 months I’ve sensed he was cheating, but lately it became much more obvious. Seeing the answer I got from my question was still a slap in the face…because it fits right into all the problems we’ve been having and I realize now how much he abused my heart. Every single week there was something. If I were to ask him a question like, “

3/5/2008: my mind won’t rest


No matter how busy I am. No matter where I am or what I’m doing. No matter how many times you tell me that I’m wrong. I still feel like I’m not being told the whole story. I still have a sense I’m being lied to. Even now, we hung up the phone with each other just an hour ago and you told me you needed to go so you could clean your bathroom but my gut says that’s not what you’re doing. I fucking hate it!

You tell me you don’t want to come stay with me this weekend because you have things you want to do at home but my intuition is speaking louder and won’t let me accept your reason you’re not coming here is that innocent. Especially when you know how hard things are for me right now.