10/20/2007


Alright! I’ve had it! My feelings have never been spared, yet I censor myself to spare his feelings? Not anymore!

Hepa and I have been seeing each other for the most part since late January. We live 70 miles apart. Seven months out of the eight he hasn’t had a car decent enough to make the trip very often, so if I wanted to see him I’d drive out there. In the beginning, I was working too, so that meant if I wanted to see him during the week I’d have to make the trek twice in 24 hours. And if I didn’t time the commute right it would take about 3 hours to get home in the mornings. He’d only come to my house during the week if I agreed to watch his son for him. Looking back, I see the big picture.

He never took me out. Never bought me anything. Yet, I was constantly suggesting we get out more. I would fill his fridge with food, I bought plants for his house. I’d leave him little notes to find once he got home from work and I was gone already. I dealt with his cell phone being blown up with calls and text messages constantly…but of course, they were always “work” calls. I put up with several personal ads he belongs to. I forgave him for cheating on me. But last night was the final straw!

So, he calls me from work yesterday at 11am or so…tells me he’ll be coming over right after work. He just recently bought a new car and is able to travel freely now without worrying about it breaking down. He throws in that his company is having a going-away party right after work but he says he probably won’t end up going.Several hours later I get a text message from him asking me if he should get a sitter for his son. I call him and he let’s my call go to voice mail. I leave him a message to call me…hours & hours go by and I never hear from him.

Saturday comes and I make plans to do something with someone else and of course, just as I do he calls. He comes up with some lame-ass-story and within a few hours he’s at my front-door. He stays with me all Saturday & headed home Sunday evening. He invited me to come to his house and I told him I may come out later but I was too tired to drive out just then. I fell asleep early and woke up at about 3 am. I packed a few things in a bag & began the long 70 mile drive to his house. I pulled into his driveway at about 6:30 am. I went to the front door, tried the knob. It was locked. I knocked softly then decided to try the side door. It was open…I went in through the garage and when I opened the door into the house he was walking down the hallway towards me. It was dark but I could tell he was disturbed. We hugged. I was happy to see him but that faded quickly. He was shaking. Out of breath. Fully dressed. His bedroom was dim, only lit by the computer monitor. I asked him why he was shaking so badly…he told me I scared him awake by my knocking. I knew he was lying. I asked if he had someone there. He said yes. I asked if it was a girl, he said yes. I told him I had to go. He ushered me out not saying a word. I left the way I came in. I got in my car & just cried.

I don’t understand why I allow myself to take that sort of treatment. I’m still with him! Actually…we haven’t really been a couple since MAYBE early April. He’s cheated on me twice that I know of. I’m sure it’s much more than that.

8/13/2007


Ok…I am convinced that there is not one person on Earth that doesn’t lie. I am convinced that the guys that really know how to fuck are the ones that can look you straight in the eyes and tell you they love you, that they are in love with you and that they only want/need you then just a few hours later you find them with another girl in their bed. In the end, fucking well was all they did right. I wonder…is this some sort of self-punishment or lack of respect for women and themselves? Or could it be they have to constantly feel wanted/appreciated and get that by belonging to several personals ads that all advertise the same thing yet never really REALLY wanting what your statistics claim you want…just using a few words that will lure in new pussy just to fuck then fuck over. Perhaps an addiction to that newness? Or maybe it’s an addiction to lust? Addiction to sex? Immaturity? All of the above?

I am such an understanding woman and for someone to have to lie to me about ANYTHING proves to me that they are too insecure and immature to stand up for their beliefs and will hide and lie about the path their on to avoid possible rejection and ridicule. Well, FUCK THAT! If I want to have my cake & eat it too everyone around me will know exactly my goal. That way they have the information to make an educated decision about the choices at hand if they continue the relationship. It’s the only way to have a relationship with any value.

Honesty. Integrity. Openness. Yeah, the truth hurts but it’s far worse when you’re lied to or have things hidden from you. It makes you question every person that has ever had any importance in your life. And needless to say, has you suspicious for all future relationships too.

Well…another lesson learned. Several actually. I’ll never bring a guy around my children until we are serious about our commitment to one another. If my dog growls at him even once…escort him out & bid him farewell. If he says he will call at a certain time and doesn’t and has some lame ass excuse for it – he’s cheating, move on. If he seems too good to be true, 30 other women are likely thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time about the exact same guy. Follow my instinct. Never allow him into my soul until he is worthy of it. Close my eyes and “see” how I feel about him. Eight months is too long to wait for proof of his character. His candid, pre-relationship answers to how he wants his life to travel are the ones to listen to. Don’t wait for proof he’s cheating…HE IS!