Christmas and New Years Eve 2011


I can’t pretend that my Christmas was joyous this year. I was alone, without my children or anyone else for the first time in my life. I woke up early, almost startled awake and had to think for a moment as to what day it actually was. It was similar to the feeling I have if I think I’ve woken up late for work. From a deep sleep to wide awake with heart pounding kind of panic.The panic today was missing my children. Their dad just bought a new house and they wanted to spend the first Christmas there with him. I was not opposed to the idea at all, I understand how exciting a new home is, especially at Christmastime.

I know that my own karma brought me to the reality of my solitude on this special holiday and I accept it fully. I wasn’t sad or lonesome. I kept busy all day, taking care of things I tend to put off until I have time alone without the kids around to tend to them. I think more than anything else is swallowing the pill that I am the only one that is responsible for where I am right now. I preach all the time to others that you’ve got to take responsibility for your actions. I am eating my own words now.

New Years Eve is already here. I am so ready for this awful year to be over. The personal relationships that came & went this last year taught me some valuable lessons. One being, never trust anyone but myself. People will lie right to your face about anything and everything. I also learned that I need to come first. A lot of my problems this last year have been because I put other people before myself. Now that the other people are gone from my life, I am left sort of flailing around, unsure of what to do. I don’t want to just find someone new to obsess over again like I have so many times before. This new year will be where I embrace myself and enjoy the time alone with just me. I have a lot to sort out. I can’t ever expect to find what I truly want in a relationship until I have all my puzzle pieces put back together. I’m getting there.

 

Happy New Year!

1 Comment

  1. Hello, I did read your post and do want to say that yes, we are responsible for our own actions. But, at the same breath, we need to move on and surround ourselves with positive people. I’m sure you are on the right tract and hopefully things will work out for you. Stay strong and be positive and you will acheive your goals. Be well, EnvisionPosition from JM

    Like

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