Christmas and New Years Eve 2011

I can’t pretend that my Christmas was joyous this year. I was alone, without my children or anyone else for the first time in my life. I woke up early, almost startled awake and had to think for a moment as to what day it actually was. It was similar to the feeling I have if I think I’ve woken up late for work. From a deep sleep to wide awake with heart pounding kind of panic.The panic today was missing my children. Their dad just bought a new house and they wanted to spend the first Christmas there with him. I was not opposed to the idea at all, I understand how exciting a new home is, especially at Christmastime.

I know that my own karma brought me to the reality of my solitude on this special holiday and I accept it fully. I wasn’t sad or lonesome. I kept busy all day, taking care of things I tend to put off until I have time alone without the kids around to tend to them. I think more than anything else is swallowing the pill that I am the only one that is responsible for where I am right now. I preach all the time to others that you’ve got to take responsibility for your actions. I am eating my own words now.

New Years Eve is already here. I am so ready for this awful year to be over. The personal relationships that came & went this last year taught me some valuable lessons. One being, never trust anyone but myself. People will lie right to your face about anything and everything. I also learned that I need to come first. A lot of my problems this last year have been because I put other people before myself. Now that the other people are gone from my life, I am left sort of flailing around, unsure of what to do. I don’t want to just find someone new to obsess over again like I have so many times before. This new year will be where I embrace myself and enjoy the time alone with just me. I have a lot to sort out. I can’t ever expect to find what I truly want in a relationship until I have all my puzzle pieces put back together. I’m getting there.

Happy New Year!