How long?

How long does it take to get over a broken heart? I have never been in this situation where my heart still aches for someone and there is no one there to help fill the void that that person left. How do I get the answers to the all the questions I had that were meant for him? The plans for our future? How do I manage it all alone now? I know the saying, “hindsight is always 20/20″…I wish I had known then what I know now. But how do I go forward with my eyes open and keenly aware of who I bring in close to my heart? I don’t want to ever feel like this again. If I could avoid this I will. I know, if I could figure out the easy recipe to cure a broken heart, I would be a rich woman. Unfortunately, lessons are best learned the hard way. I would really like to understand why I keep pushing the cart all alone, LONG after the wheels fell off? It’s not with everyone, just certain people. What is it about them that keeps me wanting more? Why can’t I just make up my mind and stick to it without having to put myself through an emotional hurricane that ruins everything around me and never changes the end result anyway?

I have always been accused of not trusting the people I get involved in a relationship with, the accusation kinda hurts but what hurts even more is that 9 times out of 10 my gut is right about a person and what they are up to behind my back. Unless they are really good, I will find out what is going on, if anything. I don’t want to be good at something like that. I would rather focus my energy on making happy memories, not ugly ones. I suppose my choice of partners hasn’t been too good. I think that if I chose better to begin with, things like this wouldn’t be a factor.

So what do I do with the letters and pictures that are memories of what should have been? I’ve thought about burning them but that thought scares me for some reason. I think I hold on to things as a way of keeping a part of that person. At that moment when the words were handwritten there onto the paper by him, I believed in him. I’m really beginning to question all men. I have been in the dark about people in general all my life. Now that I’ve had a chance to live life on my own terms, I’ve seen how underhanded and selfish people can be. I’ve caught them in lies, red-handed, and watched into their eyes as they swore on their own life that it didn’t happen.

So I guess only time will heal my heart. I certainly don’t want to jump into anything new until I am ready. I will just take it day by day. I find myself wanting to write to him about how he hurt me & what that has done to my life but the more I hang on to those words and feelings, the longer I allow them to keep me down.