I feel…


I feel so damn good! For a while there, I was starting to see myself losing touch with who I am and what I am all about. I’ve been told many times that you shouldn’t base your happiness on the people around you and I tried not to and I was miserable. I have no problem standing on my own but I would rather not. I like to make people happy. It makes me happy to know I am making someone else happy. I know they don’t need me in order to be happy, but knowing that the smile on their face & in their heart is a reaction to being in my company makes me happy & want to keep making them happy. My life was falling apart a few months ago and now because I have someone special back in my life, everything is good and I feel I have a purpose again. I don’t care what any therapists say about it, being alone sucks and even worse is being with someone that doesn’t appreciate you for who you are. I’m just happy and I know it and wanted to clap my hands & show it. LOL That’s all. LOL!

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Woman vs. Women


In December I decided to take my best friend to a psychic to have our fortunes told for her birthday. She and I had wanted to do this since we were in high school. I always felt as if my husband wouldn’t allow me to do such a thing so this was one more thing to check off my very long list of things I can do now that my husband no longer has a say in it.

It was her birthday and she made the appointment for each of us. She had seen a psychic before and swore that I would be blown away with what they’d have to tell me. But I am a skeptic. I thought these weirdos would take my money and give me a bunch of general information that could apply to basically anyone.

She and I met in the parking lot of this psychic’s office. I was still not sure it was going to be worth the $150 that it was going to cost me but I wanted to try it & I knew it’d make my girl friend happy. Her appointment was first. I sat outside and read a book she brought for me about a woman who had supernatural senses, something I relate to.

Her 30 minute reading flew by and before I knew it she was walking out. I stood and walked towards her. I could tell she had been crying but she had a big smile on her face. She said as she walked up, “she’s good”, and with that I made my way inside her office.

I sat at a table and she introduced herself. Then quickly went through what types of readings she offered. I decided to have my palms read and my fortune told. She covered a lot of information very fast. It was information that couldn’t apply to anyone but me & most of it were things no one on earth knew about. It was jaw-dropping stuff. One thing that struck me & stayed with me since that meeting with her was about my relations with other women.

She pointed out that she knew I had never had many female friends. That I always had mostly male friends. She said that women have been jealous of me since I was a very young child, through school and into adulthood. She added that women feel threatened by me because I do not follow the same protocol they do with regard to men, sex, business and relations with other women.

All of a sudden I had validation for the way I’d felt all my life. Here it was, displayed before me on the palms of my own hands and read to me by someone I had never met in my life & had no knowledge of me besides my name, date of birth and my occupation.  She could see the surprise in my face and called me on it. She asked if her statements matched with how I’d felt inside. I told her yes. She continued her reading  and I listened but I stayed on that statement in my mind until she finished.

Throughout my life I’ve always felt a little different than the image I had/have in my mind of most women. Growing up, I was the tomboy. Sometimes tougher than some of the boys. I always controlled things. At times I was cruel to the boys. I remember a few instances where I felt a rush of…something (not exactly sure how to describe it). One of them was in my front yard. We had a huge fruitless Mulberry tree that was perfect to climb. I was playing with my good friend Aaron that lived across the street and one door down. I must have been seven or eight and he was just a bit younger than me. He climbed up into the tree first and I watched from the ground. As he found his perch he looked down at me and motioned for me to climb up. Instead of following his invitation I twisted it on him. I told him he had to take his shorts off first before I’d climb up there with him and then I’d take mine off once I got up there. He hesitated at first but eventually they came off. It was the first time I had seen a boy without pants on. I stared. I never did climb the tree. I let him sit alone, half naked, vulnerably way up in the dense tree. I pretended that I was coming up at one point but I only did it so I could get closer to him so I could snatch his shorts out of his hand. Now he couldn’t get down without having everyone see that he was naked and I enjoyed how uncomfortable he looked and sounded. He begged me to give his shorts back. I wouldn’t. No amount of begging could help him. He was up there a long time before he climbed out, without his shorts, and ran home half naked while I watched. I threw his shorts into a bush and carried on with my daily antics.  –  A dozen or so years later after his family and my family had moved away from that neighborhood and Aaron and I were adults – he came looking for me. When he found me he told me that I had become the object of his desires and I had been ever since that day in my front yard. He asked me if I would consider a relationship with him. I told him no. I knew that if I did I would mistreat him and I didn’t want that. I haven’t seen him since. I have talked with his parents and they tell me he is still very much in love (lust?) with me and even they wished he & I would have gotten married because he “needs a girl like me to straighten him out”.

Aaron wasn’t the only boy I controlled like that. There were quite a few I enjoyed humiliating on a regular basis.  And all of them came to find me once they became adults.

Then at puberty my role reversed. Well, not entirely. Some boys made me slip into a submissive state when I was in their presence while others stroked the dominant in me. I never realized it until right now. I never separated the two very different personalities before like this. I see now what happened to my relationship with my husband. Deep down, I know that I need to submit to a man for the relationship to work. My relationship with my ex-husband started off with me forcing myself to see him as the dominant when he clearly was not. It became obvious to me one day when we were in San Francisco killing time. We hadn’t been together for very long and I don’t think we were married just yet. A switch went off in me. I felt it. I think he even saw it in my face. I am sure of it now. We never discussed what happened that day because we both knew what it meant. It meant that we were not right for each other and neither of us wanted to ever admit that.

(I am shocked and relieved at the same time and needing to get back on topic now)

I’m not exactly sure why I don’t relate well to women. Maybe it’s my demeanor. Maybe it’s because I don’t hate men like most women do. Maybe it’s because I love men and respect men and understand men that women don’t like me. Maybe it’s because I don’t like women that women don’t like me. I don’t mean to offend anyone by implying that all women are the same but in my experience I know that a woman is more likely to stab another woman in the back out of jealousy than a man is. With the exception of the man that acts like and idolizes women. He’s just like them. Flamboyant. Materialistic. Shallow. Spineless. Close-minded. He’ll turn his back on you as quickly as some women do.

Maybe I’m old fashioned? I have been told I have an old soul.

BUT-

I truly believe the male should always dominate but at the same time the woman should never become a doormat. Mutual respect is required and each should know one another’s role in the relationship.

That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, go make one of your own.

Did you know?


Did you know I’m a cat lady? Yep, look…

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I, at one time not too long ago had 18 cats. It was an accident that I ended up with 18 cats. My cat Kiki had 2 litters back to back & I fell in love with every single one of her babies. It was so hard to give away the kittens. I decided before she got pregnant with the second litter that I was going to keep the 5 kittens she had just had. I told myself that I wouldn’t keep any of the second litter but when they were born, I was just as attached to all 8 of them as I was to the other 5 she’d just had about 4 months earlier. Anyway, I did end up finding homes for 5 of the kittens from the second litter. So I was left with 11 cats. I was fine with that. It didn’t seem like a lot to me. I had Kiki fixed and then started working on fixing the kittens one by one.

My kids went on a boating trip with their dad and came home with 5 abandoned kittens that they said they found on the side of the road. The story was that they saw the momma cat smashed by a car & the kittens were gonna get hit by a car if they didn’t pick them up. They know I can’t say no, so we found homes for 2 of them and somehow got stuck with 3. Two of my adult cats found new homes on their own.

For the next 18 months I had 11 cats. I loved watching those cats grow and change and I worked hard to gain their trust. They were all very shy. Unless you knew their name, they wouldn’t come anywhere near you. They knew my schedule and would hear my truck come up the street and all come running to greet me. Every morning, I would wake up and go into the kitchen to make my breakfast and coffee and they were right there too.  They would all stampede there to see what I was doing. Normally I would go out in the back yard for a bit and play with them. They all seemed to fight for my attention. Anyway, it went on like that until March 3 of this year. That’s when everything changed. I was home, it was a normal Saturday night. Most of the cats were inside. Whiskey & Inky got scared of something and ran out side. That was the last time I saw my Whiskey. I know I may seem crazy, but a few hours after I last saw him, I sensed something bad had happened to him, so much so that it brought me to tears and the next day, I started searching for him. I made flyers, went around & talked to neighbors, posted ads on the internet, checked all the shelters but he was just gone. A few days after that, his brother Inky disappeared, then a week later their brother Onyx vanished. Three weeks went by. I searched every single day for my cats. Then in early April, Robert disappeared, then Raider, and Dottie. The flyers I put up stirred a lot of the neighbors up. I let it be known that I suspected that someone was trapping & killing the cats in the neighborhood. Three different neighbors of mine also had their cats disappear around the same time. Animal Control got involved because it is illegal in this County to trap and animal & dispose of it or dump it somewhere. The law says if you find or trap an animal that you must take it to the local animal shelter where the family has the opportunity to find their pet. Well, even with that, the cats were disappearing. And unless I could prove who was doing it, there was nothing I could do.

And that’s kind of where I am still, I constantly look for my cats, I suspect and dislike every one of my neighbors. I’ve lost trust in people. I’m pretty bitter about what has happened. I cry most days. Some more than others. I still have 7 cats, 3 from Kiki’s first litter, none from her 2nd and 2 of the abandoned ones, Kiki and I adopted Branson on my birthday. It’s just not the same without them though. It tears my heart up not knowing what happened or who did it. My boyfriend is tired of listening to me about my cats and I can understand that but I will never give up hope and I will never stop looking for them. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. It makes me wonder though, did I deserve this? What did I do to deserve this? I don’t know the answer. I hope that I will someday get the answers I want. Until then, I’m gonna keep looking for them.