Disgusted


I am disgusted at myself for my behavior lately. I am acting like a little lovesick brokenhearted girl over this shit and I hate it! I am embarrassed of myself. I am a beautiful, smart, unique grown woman that can have any man I want pretty much but I have been spinning my wheels on someone that has cheated on me more times than I will ever know and I put myself through living without trust every single day and I’m sick of it! I don’t deserve this so why the fuck do I keep torturing myself? I can’t believe I am back in this position again. I have got to stop hanging on to something so unhealthy. I need to listen to my gut instead of my broken heart!

He’s never going to admit what he is really doing because he’s a liar.

He’s going to tell you whatever you want to hear so he can keep getting away with what he wants.

He doesn’t really love you otherwise he’d listen to your fears and not hide like a lame when you start to open up to him.

You are not wrong!

Why is it so hard to accept these things? It hurts and I am scared of the pain. But taking the pain, dose after dose after dose, I am just poisoning myself even more. I try to put myself into his place and imagine how I would act if the person I supposedly am in love with comes to me to let me know that they are worried about something I am doing…I just can’t see how his reaction has anything to do with being faithful to me, being in love with me or even caring about my feelings at all. Regardless of how many times I get asked the same question, if I love the person, they would have my undivided attention and an open & honest reply from me. THAT right THERE is why I don’t believe him. Because his reaction doesn’t make sense to me if he actually loves me. Ok, so now that I have figured that part out, how do I move forward with a broken heart…AGAIN? I don’t want to fill the void with a new face like I always have in the past. That gets me nowhere. I don’t want to set myself up for another failed relationship and I sure as hell don’t want to hurt or be hurt anymore. I just want to live simply and be happy. Maybe all this crap is what is keeping me from being truly happy. LET IT GO! JUST FUCKING LET IT GO!

5 thoughts on “Disgusted

  1. You write ” I don’t deserve this so why the fuck do I keep torturing myself?” Reminds me of an old saying…..”Why do I keep hitting my head with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop”

    Like

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