Reap what I’ve sown


Had I known then what I know now, my life might be a little different today. I don’t want to regret anything. I find myself trying not to think about my reality so as to avoid the regret that will likely sink in and stay. I don’t need regret too. I stay as positive as I can. Maybe it’s not as positive as some, but it’s the best I can do right now. I’m a little bitter. Not sure if it’s anger at myself or anger at those who did me wrong. I haven’t quite been able to pin who done it. I admit that I am a very complex person. While I was married, my husband never complained about my complexities, but then again, he’s an alcoholic so that right there says a lot.

Do I really need to blame anyone? No. It’s irrelevant now. I must pick up the pieces and move forward. And I am. They’re just scattered everywhere and I feel like I’m fumbling to pick them all up with chopsticks, blindfolded, with one arm tied behind my back…naked.    I need help. No one seems to want to hear me though. But guess who was there when they had the chopsticks? Me. I’m such a fool for trusting anyone. I’m a fool for believing in any one person. Including the ones that claim that they love you and that they will be there for you til the wheels fall off. They aren’t there unless they are getting just what they want from you. And as soon as they aren’t getting what they expect, they split and leave you confused and hurt and just a little bit more bitter. I am fully aware of my shortcomings. I practically wear a sign listing them out nice & neat for all to read. I have learned that honesty is NOT the best policy. The best policy is be honest to yourself, fuck anyone else. They’re lying to you…right now…I betcha. And they will lie to your face & swear that they aren’t lying.

Ok, I may have trust issues. It’s kinda hard not to. I don’t like that I should blame myself for those. Because as they say, fuck me over once, shame on you. Fuck me over twice, shame on me. When does it become the other persons fault? The one that did you wrong? When do they ever accept the blame & suffer with the leftovers like me? If I think back over my life, and think about the people I’ve done wrong in one way or another whether I knew what I was doing or had no idea of the outcome, regardless of my consciousness at the time, I still feel badly for whatever I did and at some point, I know I tried to help that person heal from it. Why do I have to suffer? I don’t fucking know but I am no fucking victim to anyone. I do have a choice to just walk away from the person that is doing me wrong and I’ve chosen not to more times than I’ve walked away. Why? Mostly because my heart won’t let me let go? Even as my heart is abused and disregarded, I still give all I have. BUT…

I do admit, there have been times where I have been in a position where if the person I am with hadn’t abused & disregarded my feelings, I wouldn’t have opened my door to something or someone new that ultimately became the cause of our demise (not according to my recollection of events though). Of course I am blamed for the entire fiasco while the other person fondles all the notches on his belt that he accumulated -at my expense-  during our ‘relationship’ because I was too in love or whatever, to stand up for myself and tell him to fuck off. So, it’s my bad. Me. I’m the one. Shame on me.

Who the hell teaches their children to take advantage of others? When did it become ok and cool to seek revenge? Since I don’t believe in Heaven & Hell or God and the Devil, what will happen to the people that purposely damage others for their own benefit/pleasure/gain? How do they live with themselves? And does it make me ignorant for admitting that I don’t play their game? I honestly believed up until a few years ago that people were generally good inside and that no one purposely tried to hurt others unless they were desperate to survive or desperate to get high. There are obviously people out there so desperate for sex that they will undermine a good foundation by sneaking around & lying to cover up what they do as soon as you look away for just a second. Why do they do it? Out of desperation. And not wanting to have to sacrifice what they’ve grown accustomed to having by admitting that they lied, because surely they will lose it all.

Now where was I? I am so far off my intended subject that I don’t even remember what I sat down to write about to begin with. Reaping what I’ve sown? I think what I was trying to say is, I am not innocent. So am I now being punished by past things I’ve done that hurt someone? Did I actually cause this much pain to someone? I’m living my life completely backwards. I am learning things now that I should have learned when I was in my 20’s and it’s causing so much trouble for me and every one around me. Literally. I have got to stop focusing on the bad and start honing in on a positive goal. My confidence has been bull-dozed by a situation that was just meant to be and it shouldn’t ever have disturbed my core like it did. Everyday, I think about ways I can improve myself. I need to get back to who I am before I lose myself in this completely. I’m angry that I don’t have a companion to lean on in a time like this but once I’m through this time I am going to be grateful for each & every hurdle I’ve gone through and it will no longer matter that he fucked off our relationship like he did. And it will no longer matter that I fucked off the relationship like I did. I will know better than to make those mistakes again and the person that deserves who I will be will appreciate the good person I am, finally. The graveyard full of mistakes will stop needing to be tended by me. I will only need to tend to myself and not need to apologize again for another broken heart. I can’t see the future, but I can control today. And today I am going to love me. I need it right now. More than anything else. So I guess reaping what you sow applies to every facet of life. Love me & I will love you right back, and then some. Fuck me over & you’ll get ours but I won’t be accepting THAT blame.

Blown away


I’m totally blown away. I slam the door shut, nail the fucking thing sealed for good. And the next thing I know, my phone is non-stop. All these new, young, exciting, freaky, crazy opportunities open up that weren’t there before and I am on it. I have nothing to stop me anymore. No reason to say no. No desire to say no anymore. And I am loving this. This is the time in my life that I have been waiting for…to be me…and find out who I really am…and I am loving me and everything surrounding me. I am so looking forward to what every day is going to bring. It’s limitless and fun, so fucking fun. Tonight, I accepted an invitation and I found myself sitting next to a gorgeous, successful, intelligent man having cocktails and we were engaged in a conversation and I just looked off and saw the sun setting on San Francisco bay and I was just overwhelmed with such peace within me that it ignited a fire inside me that no one can ever ever EVER put out. And it just felt good to finally feel…good. I am looking forward to the morning like never before…so many good things in my life and I wasn’t happy enough to ever notice them before. The pain of a broken heart forces change and with that change brings new people & experiences and that is good shit! I didn’t realize just how toxic someone can be for me because my heart was so fragile & attached to them for so long. I should have cut the ties a long time ago, but I didn’t and that’s ok…I’m right here, right now & in a better position to appreciate who is really there. I just wish I had more time to do that appreciating.

 

There’s one person that told me that someday, this is how my life would be and I really am blown away that it came true. Thank you…you know who you are. 🙂