It’s ok

It’s not over. I don’t think it will ever really be over. I mean the sad feeling that creeps in sometimes and out of the blue brings me to tears. I miss someone or something and the next thing I know is I am bawling. I don’t know if this way I feel is normal or not. I know I am overly sensitive. I know I think too much. But I don’t know if other people feel like this. I need to write or talk to someone otherwise it will build up and I will break down even worse.

Most things in my life are ok. I love my beautiful daughters more everyday but the thoughts of the future and them being independent scare me to tears. I love being single but thinking of growing old alone scares me to death. I’m going to be 40 in a few months and I still feel as if I am not quite settled enough to take on a relationship that I could live with for the rest of my life. I am so controlling, I feel like I should be able to handle everything on my own that I am thrown but if you were to see all the undone projects that I inherited and some that I created that are on my to-do list you would see that I don’t have a grip on the completion of most of them. I have to stop over analyzing things. But it’s just who I am and how I think and that’s not an easy thing to change. Anyway, I’m forcing myself to stop crying now and I’m going to get myself moving to try to create the best day that I can today. I have a full plate of things to do & people to see and it’s my last day off before heading back to work again tomorrow. I am so grateful for my job. It keeps me sane. And I am grateful for myself and especially my daughters. The good I have in me shines so brightly in them. They can drive me insane but the little things they do that I see they got from me makes it all worth it. They are my greatest joy and achievement. I am blessed to have them in my life.

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