It’s ok


It’s not over. I don’t think it will ever really be over. I mean the sad feeling that creeps in sometimes and out of the blue brings me to tears. I miss someone or something and the next thing I know is I am bawling. I don’t know if this way I feel is normal or not. I know I am overly sensitive. I know I think too much. But I don’t know if other people feel like this. I need to write or talk to someone otherwise it will build up and I will break down even worse.

Most things in my life are ok. I love my beautiful daughters more everyday but the thoughts of the future and them being independent scare me to tears. I love being single but thinking of growing old alone scares me to death. I’m going to be 40 in a few months and I still feel as if I am not quite settled enough to take on a relationship that I could live with for the rest of my life. I am so controlling, I feel like I should be able to handle everything on my own that I am thrown but if you were to see all the undone projects that I inherited and some that I created that are on my to-do list you would see that I don’t have a grip on the completion of most of them. I have to stop over analyzing things. But it’s just who I am and how I think and that’s not an easy thing to change. Anyway, I’m forcing myself to stop crying now and I’m going to get myself moving to try to create the best day that I can today. I have a full plate of things to do & people to see and it’s my last day off before heading back to work again tomorrow. I am so grateful for my job. It keeps me sane. And I am grateful for myself and especially my daughters. The good I have in me shines so brightly in them. They can drive me insane but the little things they do that I see they got from me makes it all worth it. They are my greatest joy and achievement. I am blessed to have them in my life.

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4 thoughts on “It’s ok

  1. Hey R!
    You’re still getting it out there I see.

    I’ve sent greetings the usual ways but just today returned to your blog. I guess a lot has happened since last we spoke. I’ll try to catch up. Sent a couple of thing’s on 14 of 5 too, hope you got them. See, long memory.

    As succinct and open as ever.

    TC!

    E xx

    Like

  2. I really enjoy reading your posts, and for the opportunity to get to talk about thoughts or feelings… some I can relate to, some I cannot.

    I am especially happy to read about your view on your daughters. You know that my son isn’t that old enough to show his personality yet but I find great joy in the time he and I share. It sounds like it is quite an honor to see great character that you planted that seed and watched it grow. If that alone isn’t proof that you can do something, and finish, then I don’t believe nothing will. I know it is a never ending job but from what it sounds like you can see the return of your investment there, and I am thrilled that it is bringing you so much joy. It should, because in these days kids and parents don’t jive like that anymore.

    (I shouldn’t respond while on pain meds… 😉 I just wanted to say that as far as the rest of the stuff, the unfinished stuff that needs done, don’t let that be the standard you set for yourself. I wouldn’t think that would be a fair judgement. I mean, if that was the rest of your life in a nutshell then what happens when you’re finished? Is that the end? Is that when your life is “complete”? That’s part of your journey, right? That’s a part of growth, of maturity… of refinement…

    Stuff still not done… well you didn’t quit on it. Nobody took it away from you, saying test time is over. You won’t be graded on it. So make it worth your time. Do it on your time. It’s your life, and you are in control.

    And 40 isn’t old by any stretch of the imagination nowadays. If you aren’t ready to be in a relationship so what. You aren’t in one anyways. So you have time to find that level of comfort so when you are ready, you’ll be ready. And your controlling nature?? My guess is you’ll find someone who is ready to be with a “take charge” kinda lady. One who is thrilled to be with someone who speaks their mind, one who doesn’t do the “what do you wanna?” dance. (tbh that’s my kinda lady) And I betchya, when that moment happens you won’t worry about being ready, or scared of that form of relationship. You may or may not be prepared, but you’ll be OK with letting things take their course.

    So if crying is a part of growing then that’s just part of a tough lesson that’ll reward you down the road. If we didn’t have sorrow we wouldn’t appreciate happiness. Slow down, or stop, and appreciate the beauty of life. The beauty of your life, your kids… the beauty of you. The true, beautiful, you.

    And take the time to smile…

    Like

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