Sabotage


textgram_1355954626I’ve heard that the answers to our questions about why we do what we do & why we’re where we are in life lie within us. All of a sudden that saying rang true for me. I realized yesterday that I shouldn’t hold on to pain & grief over failed relationships and I shouldn’t always accuse the person I am with of stupid shit. I sabotage myself when it comes to relationships. I am hard to like, if you knew me in person. I am very difficult to be friends with. And all this time I have felt heartbroken over the fact that I have no best girlfriend, or any female friends. The men I am friends with are only there because they think that they just might get to fuck me at some point if they put up with my emotional roller-coaster long enough. But I will tell you…very few have lasted longer than 6 months. No guy wants to have to deal with that and not at the very least get his dick sucked on a regular basis. And that’s just not me.

So I have to go back to my initial statement, if the answer to my question (why do I seem to sabotage my own happiness?) is already in me then why can’t I figure out how to stop this? I’ve been told that I have huge walls I’ve put up around me and that I make it nearly impossible to have a relationship with me let alone be a friend to anyone. I was told that I am very loyal to my own self. This is so confusing to me. I see myself as generous and selfless. But maybe what I see as generous, someone else might take as me being selfish. I’ve been told I’m a control freak, and I do agree with that one. That one has been a hard one for me to figure out. The control thing goes back to when I was a little girl. I grew up in a household where Mom married Dad for his money, had my brother, Dad was a raging alcoholic and then comes me, ten years later. Dad didn’t want my brother but when I came along, he was a little older & more settled and ready for me and we had a tight bond. My Dad & brother would fight constantly. I was able to stop every fight every time even at 6 years old (brother was 16). I saved my brother so many times from my Dad, he doesn’t even have a clue. So, anyways, I think it goes back to that. Me being a control freak now is ridiculous because if anyone let me lead the way, we’d all be living in a cardboard box and I’d still be trying to have everything my way. Last year, I think I went through 6 or 7 jobs. Some of them (maybe all of them) I lost because of my controlling nature. I have no right to control anything, especially as a new employee. I seem to constantly want change (but I look at it as if it is improvement) and I think I always know a better, faster way to do things. Instead, I need to learn to let go, listen and follow along. Well, my job right now, I made a conscious decision to not try to change things thinking that it would be an improvement  and it has me so fucked up now that I have completely confused myself and I’ve made everyday a huge struggle for me. I’m making stupid mistakes that I never would have made before because I am not in control of how my job is run and I’m having to follow a procedure that someone else created 15 years ago that is cumbersome and outdated. Since I’ve made so many mistakes, my boss doesn’t trust me and absolutely refuses to allow me to even make the smallest of changes to help my daily routine. I am flailing around like a retard with a slinky. I’m second-guessing everything I do every single time I do it and not only does that cause me to make stupid errors, it’s costing me my confidence. I know how to do what I do, I’ve been doing it almost 25 years. But this job, they office layout, people and workload combined with my errors, stress level and dwindling self-esteem is weighing hard on me. I don’t know what to do. This is a question I am supposed to already have the answer for, right? I think I do. I hate to disappoint anyone. But I have to look out for myself, first & foremost. If what I am doing isn’t working out as something good & positive in my life as a whole, then maybe it’s time to look for something new that will fit my personality and work style better. I don’t want to seem spoiled or stuck up, but I know I can do better than this. Not that where I work now isn’t a great company…I think I could find something that will suit me better. I don’t know anymore. If I were younger, I would go back to school. I really feel as if I am stuck doing what I do and will always just squeak by making what I make but if I were to go back to school and focus on furthering my education then my income level would go up to where I would feel more proud about what I do.

My life is a mess. When will someone come and clean it up for me? I know, never. That someone is me. The self-sabotaging, control-freak that procrastinates and mismanages her personal priorities, that’s me. But I swear, I’m selfless, generous and will bust ass on everyone else’s priorities. I’ve got to learn to not be so loyal to the things that I do that are not good for getting to my goal(s). Those things that cause physical pleasure and temporary emotional pleasure, they’re the ones that cause me to allow myself to fuck my important things off. I need to deprive bad and gorge on good.

Ugh! Will I ever just be satiated?

11 Comments

  1. Hiya Rel.
    Somehow you came to mind to me today. Maybe your fantastic looks are a mini-curse, putting the sexual stress on becoming friends with males? I (we) can only guess from what you publish, but thanks for sharing and I also truly wish you well. It seems you’re getting wiser after I read your messages at the top. Don’t fear the birthdays, or get overly down on your situation. As Will Smith sings…”hate in your heart will consume you, too.” I don’t know what kind of music or activities help you cope, but good luck filling whatever void(s) you are feeling right now.
    Yukster

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  2. Your indeed are creating most of your own problems, maybe from guilt or inadequate inner courage. Try this, GO back to school. There are many agencies and programs that will pay for it, for free. Get a grip on your life and learn how to reestablish relationships by associating with people who are not control freaks. Personally I returned to school [college] at 63 yr old and graduated in 2007. It put me in a totally new environment and swayed my attitudes and abilities, made me many contacts and got me a well paying job as an instructor at a community college. Use your control abilities for something like that. Work where your strengths will aid you, not hinder you. You WILL get more help from helping others than you will ever get by trying to control yourself. It can be done , i did it. Good luck and dont give in or give up. Wish I were younger [wink] you are one beautiful woman. G 4 it.

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  3. Hi, relentless. I just read ‘complexity’ and ‘sabotage’. I would like to offer words of encouragement to you, which may help or not. I am sure of one thing though – what you search for is within you. Another may help you unravel and resolve difficulties but only you can overcome them.

    I am reminded of a saying repeated by my mother in my childhood; “Some people in this world don’t have a pot to piss in.” As a young boy, I thought this to be humorous but the manner in which it was delivered assured me it was not. Over the years, this has come to mean two things for me. One, I am thankful for all that I have and this has created a great humbleness within me. Two, if these unfortunate folk can persevere through daily hardship such as they do, I certainly can master my life. This has created a great confidence within me.

    I learned that life is less about the circumstances in which you find yourself and more about your response to it. The possibilites are endless.

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    1. I love it! My Dad would say the same thing and I drew from it the same lesson. Thank you for reminding me of my Dad’s (and your Mom’s) words. It does bring it down to being thankful for what we have. Thank you so much! 🙂

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  4. You are a nice lady, i think? I don’t know you that well, but from what i’ve read, i think you just need to get over it and yourself, and go on with your life, and do the best thatt you can possibly do. Everyone in this life has a story to tell., and we can all sit back and sob and feel so freaking sorry for ourselves. OH YEAH! so keep that to yourself, and suck it up, and go on and be as happy as you can be. Find things that make you happy in life… like planting flowers, reading, building a fire, etc. Do not dwell on what makes you ill, or you will be more ill. just saying.

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  5. So many similarities with the exception that I keep letting control freaks sabotage my life so i can avoid taking responsibility for the sabotage. But then I’m an incest and rape survivor so no surprises there.

    On the job, watching the company I’ve been working for forced into inefficiency by the corp that bought us out is totally killing my morale.

    The only thing I seem to have going for me is a fierce stubbornness at being true to myself and those around me. However, this has only seemed to be causing losses in my life. It’s a long journey and I’m well past the halfway point with little to show for it. I’ve just been writing it off as ‘my path less taken’ because if I give up everyone that has hurt me wins and I can’t let that happen.

    So you’re a control freak – make that your strength! You know you sound like a gal that needs to run her own business.

    Ask yourself how happy you’d be if you were ‘sated’. After the nice break you’d probably find some other empty place within yourself that had to be filled. Being happy with who we are seems to be the most challenging of struggles for those of us that accept our own flaws.

    I don’t think you’re sabotaging your own happiness, it sounds more like an issue with being happy with what you have. (At least I know that’s my problem and I may just be using you to talk to myself lol)

    just my .02 from the jm’n void.
    ~j

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    1. theLadyJ,

      I replied to your comment from my phone and it didn’t go through apparently, so I apologize for not realizing it sooner.

      I wanted to thank you for commenting. Not only did what you have to say make to stop and think of everything that I’m facing in my life right now, you also made me realize that I am only limiting myself because of the barriers I’ve put up around me to keep me safe on one hand and on the other hand they’re hindering my evolution. I think you’re right, I need to own my own business. That’s easy, the part that’s hard is making money doing it. Nevertheless, you’ve got me thinking about my opportunities in a whole different light and I really appreciate you taking the time to add your .02. It’s not often any women comment here besides myself, I hope you stick around and keep adding your .02. It’s nice to hear from the guys, but when a woman comments I know she has a better understanding of the emotional ups & downs I feel and I do relate more to the emotional side of things so I feel honored that you’ve shared with me.

      Thank you again. 🙂

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  6. Hey R,

    Not quite the response (or lack of) that I expected but hey, can’t win ’em all!

    We were intending calling you when we got to SFO in March but I guess I’d better lose your number. Sorry to have bothered you.

    TC!

    E

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  7. There is so much power in what you have just written … so many questions with deep and long-reaching implications. Yes, I believe our present is molded and shaped by our past. Those reflections on family and circumstances give a better understanding on your tendencies – which give you the power to change them, should you so choose. I think it is difficult for you to let go of past passions – partially because of your loyalty, partially because of your intense desire to recreate those moments.

    In the midst of turmoil and storms, carve out a way to look at some things that do not change. It will provide perspective and peace .. and give you strength to make decisions.

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