I’ve heard that the answers to our questions about why we do what we do & why we’re where we are in life lie within us. All of a sudden that saying rang true for me. I realized yesterday that I shouldn’t hold on to pain & grief over failed relationships and I shouldn’t always accuse the person I am with of stupid shit. I sabotage myself when it comes to relationships. I am hard to like, if you knew me in person. I am very difficult to be friends with. And all this time I have felt heartbroken over the fact that I have no best girlfriend, or any female friends. The men I am friends with are only there because they think that they just might get to fuck me at some point if they put up with my emotional roller-coaster long enough. But I will tell you…very few have lasted longer than 6 months. No guy wants to have to deal with that and not at the very least get his dick sucked on a regular basis. And that’s just not me.
So I have to go back to my initial statement, if the answer to my question (why do I seem to sabotage my own happiness?) is already in me then why can’t I figure out how to stop this? I’ve been told that I have huge walls I’ve put up around me and that I make it nearly impossible to have a relationship with me let alone be a friend to anyone. I was told that I am very loyal to my own self. This is so confusing to me. I see myself as generous and selfless. But maybe what I see as generous, someone else might take as me being selfish. I’ve been told I’m a control freak, and I do agree with that one. That one has been a hard one for me to figure out. The control thing goes back to when I was a little girl. I grew up in a household where Mom married Dad for his money, had my brother, Dad was a raging alcoholic and then comes me, ten years later. Dad didn’t want my brother but when I came along, he was a little older & more settled and ready for me and we had a tight bond. My Dad & brother would fight constantly. I was able to stop every fight every time even at 6 years old (brother was 16). I saved my brother so many times from my Dad, he doesn’t even have a clue. So, anyways, I think it goes back to that. Me being a control freak now is ridiculous because if anyone let me lead the way, we’d all be living in a cardboard box and I’d still be trying to have everything my way. Last year, I think I went through 6 or 7 jobs. Some of them (maybe all of them) I lost because of my controlling nature. I have no right to control anything, especially as a new employee. I seem to constantly want change (but I look at it as if it is improvement) and I think I always know a better, faster way to do things. Instead, I need to learn to let go, listen and follow along. Well, my job right now, I made a conscious decision to not try to change things thinking that it would be an improvement and it has me so fucked up now that I have completely confused myself and I’ve made everyday a huge struggle for me. I’m making stupid mistakes that I never would have made before because I am not in control of how my job is run and I’m having to follow a procedure that someone else created 15 years ago that is cumbersome and outdated. Since I’ve made so many mistakes, my boss doesn’t trust me and absolutely refuses to allow me to even make the smallest of changes to help my daily routine. I am flailing around like a retard with a slinky. I’m second-guessing everything I do every single time I do it and not only does that cause me to make stupid errors, it’s costing me my confidence. I know how to do what I do, I’ve been doing it almost 25 years. But this job, they office layout, people and workload combined with my errors, stress level and dwindling self-esteem is weighing hard on me. I don’t know what to do. This is a question I am supposed to already have the answer for, right? I think I do. I hate to disappoint anyone. But I have to look out for myself, first & foremost. If what I am doing isn’t working out as something good & positive in my life as a whole, then maybe it’s time to look for something new that will fit my personality and work style better. I don’t want to seem spoiled or stuck up, but I know I can do better than this. Not that where I work now isn’t a great company…I think I could find something that will suit me better. I don’t know anymore. If I were younger, I would go back to school. I really feel as if I am stuck doing what I do and will always just squeak by making what I make but if I were to go back to school and focus on furthering my education then my income level would go up to where I would feel more proud about what I do.
My life is a mess. When will someone come and clean it up for me? I know, never. That someone is me. The self-sabotaging, control-freak that procrastinates and mismanages her personal priorities, that’s me. But I swear, I’m selfless, generous and will bust ass on everyone else’s priorities. I’ve got to learn to not be so loyal to the things that I do that are not good for getting to my goal(s). Those things that cause physical pleasure and temporary emotional pleasure, they’re the ones that cause me to allow myself to fuck my important things off. I need to deprive bad and gorge on good.
Ugh! Will I ever just be satiated?