I just realized a big something about myself.
The last couple of months I’ve thought a lot about the word abandonment and how it relates to me. I just read this simple article on the internet after searching the phrase “fear of abandonment” and it brought me to tears (which isn’t hard to do these days). I have always struggled in relationships, personal and business, and never knew why it is so hard for me to just be happy where I am. I’m not sure why I fear abandonment as much as I do but thinking back to my childhood, I can remember feeling the need to always be important to my best friend. She and I were very close all through the school year but every Summer when we’d have our 3 month break, she would always leave to go stay in Colorado with her Dad and it would devastate me. I would be depressed the entire time she was gone. Counting down the days for her to come back. As the time for her to return got close, I was excited like it was going to be Christmas. Calling her phone as soon as I woke up, hoping each time that she would pick up and that I would hear her voice and she would sound as excited as I was to have her back. But she never did sound like she missed me like I missed her. She sounded distant & detached. Like she forgot me and forgot all about the fun we always had. School would start and that meant I would see her everyday, and we would be best friends again all year long. Every year, it was the same. Summer came and she’d leave and forget me. School came and she’d be there again, everyday. I didn’t like Summers. It meant I was going to be alone. In high school, we had a fight and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t think my fear of abandonment stems from her though, I think it’s deeper than that. That was just one of the obvious situations where I could clearly see that I have codependency issues.
And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. I’m codependent. That’s my problem. Just like that. I know why I do what I do now. I’m what’s making my life hard. I’m choosing the wrong men because it feeds a need in me that I have to control and manipulate them to make them never leave. I know I have the intelligence and determination and the avenue to the tools I need to stop it. Now I feel sorry for the ones that I know are in denial about who they are & how they are hurting themselves. But I’m not going spin my wheels on anyone else anymore unless they’ve earned it from me. Like my children. They are my priority right after me. I need to come first. I’ve never come first. I’ve made all my decisions up until today based on someone else’s positive outcome and that’s never going to happen again.
I won’t have a fear of abandonment if I stop being codependent on someone who clearly has no control of anything but their drug addiction, their alcoholism or their abuse of others. I am no victim though. I chose my path. Now I’m choosing a new route. This time, I’m going to win.
I’m off to the library to check out some self-help books for ME. I still stand by my belief that if we can’t fix our self by our self, then I am doomed to fail. There’s no one out there that has more of an interest in me than ME and I do love ME. More than anyone else loves ME. This is what my Dad would have wanted and it makes me feel as if I will be honoring him when I find my way. It feels good. Really really good.
I’ll write again soon.