I’m constantly scrutinized for being so open about my feelings and thoughts. Most people I’ve known won’t or can’t share like I can & do. Some people see it as a weak thing to spill your guts. To me, it’s weak to not put who you really are out there. You’re hiding something, lying, being deceitful. I lay everything out on the table for you to see. Over my lifetime, I’ve felt what it’s like to be judged, ridiculed, humiliated, insulted, complimented, praised, convicted and used & abused but by sharing what I have, I’ve learned not to judge, insult, convict, abuse when I know someone has given of them self. It’s humbled me and has made me learn to use extra caution when dealing with people that are aloof. I seem to attract those types. I have a strong sense of my self and a very strong mind.
I am a literal person. I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I take what you say seriously and assume always that what you’re saying is factual. I’ve gotten good at detecting lies. Especially if I’ve known you a while. If I suspect you’re lying I will either cut you out of my life instantly and completely or I will dig & dig at you until you slip up, but I won’t stop until you confess. Even if it takes years. I don’t like liars. I don’t like people who cheat.
So with that being said, being open & honest about my intentions, thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, wants, whatever, I feel that I am paying forward, a debt to the person who I haven’t met yet, that will be the one that I deserve and that deserves me, the one that I hope to spend the rest of my life with. NOT marry! I’ll never do that again. Just shack up, live with til death do us part. In the meantime, I am dealt the less than desirable variety, I assume because I am being tested. Someone wants to be sure that I am who I claim to be.
Anyhow, being open & honest, for me, is natural and in fact, what takes more effort is telling lies and being sneaky. I have always felt that if I can’t be exactly who I am, regardless of how someone might try to take advantage of me, then what is the point of even being alive? If I am going to pretend to be someone that I am not, by hiding what I feel or think, then there’s no point to falling in love with you, finding happiness, or even waking up everyday. If I can’t stand here & express to you my true feelings then why should I even stand here at all? If all I am here to do is manipulate you with lies then whatever I get from you, I don’t deserve. To me that is stealing. Stealing something, especially if it’s someones heart, is immoral and should be punishable in the most extreme & excruciating way possible. I truly believe in the saying that you get what you give. Have I gotten back what I’ve given? Not even close. Maybe I’m wrong for being open? Maybe I will learn not to put myself out there so completely? I sometimes question myself and try to bite my tongue when I start to feel like opening up about something but whatever it is builds up in me & it eats away at my happiness. That’s why I write. I need to get it out. I haven’t shared everything, not even close. Does any one person know everything about me? Nope. That’s the thing, of all I’ve shared, which to some is much more than I ever should share, there’s so much more that I don’t share. I really don’t feel as if I am any different than anyone else. No one tells all. Maybe I just share more than most. Either way, it’s how I heal and grow. I think too much. I care too deeply. I am not a weak minded person. I don’t judge people in a negative way and I’m not in any competition for anything. I’m just an introverted, anti-social butterfly that uses writing as my therapy.