I know I should have learned by now. I DO know better. Why do I keep going back? I’m addicted. We’re all creatures of habit, mine has been no better than any one else’s. I know I’m an emotional masochist. I have the resources and tools I need to walk away. I have walked away from people & things before. Many times. When I asked a doctor why I keep going back, she simply said, “you’re just not done yet”. That answer of hers stuck with me. She said when I’m done, I will walk away and it will be over.
It’s over. It’s been over. But I go back because it’s familiar. I like to believe his lies until I uncover the truth. When you’re involved with someone, in any way, both people should be honest about their intentions. I am almost forty years old, head games about where you go & what you do are so immature & weak. Why can’t you just be honest? I know you lie. I was raised by one of the best bullshitters I’ve ever known and I’ve seen it all. I know you better than anyone else and I see much more than you will ever know. So by lying to me, you think you’re getting away with it, but you’re not, but you are because I don’t do anything about it but bitch about it so why change? And really, why do I care? I don’t want to be with a person that is so immoral and cruel. And why is it that the people who do people the dirtiest are the ones that have put themselves up on a pedestal and believe they earned their way there? I wish I could contact all the women he makes his rounds to and tell them what he does. I wish I could tell his mom and his son what he does to women and what he’s doing there right under their roof, right under their noses. I bet if I were doing the same thing, he’d unravel and snap, that is if he had feelings like I do. I am blown away that there are such people in this world that can go from bed to bed, telling the same lies and not being affected by what harm they cause. Hiding facts about his health and the risk he’s putting all those women in. I wish I could tell them all. I don’t trust women anyways, so why would they trust me or believe anything I say? And why should I care? Would they care about me if they thought I was being deceived? Fuck no. I can only care about my own self and just keep doing what I feel is right for me. It takes me a long time to find the closure I need to seal off that footnote in my life. I am not beating myself up over what I do and why I do it. I just do things and when I am done I don’t do that thing any more. That’s all it is. I have to say though that because I am a very analytic, logical woman, I have grown addicted to the “what’s next”. What is he going to try to get away with today? I’m getting bored with it now though. The patterns have become predictable and the lies have become even more ridiculous. It’s gotten so pathetic. He’s pathetic and I’m pathetic for giving him any piece of me, including the smile I fake when he strolls in through my front door.
So if any woman reads this, I guess this goes for men too, YOUR INTUITION IS NEVER WRONG, no matter whose life they swear on or how much they say you’re trippin, YOU AREN’T! If you stick around long enough, their true colors show through. Actions really do speak louder than words.
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