Ups & Downs

I’ve had a lot of ups & downs lately…nothing new…and nothing no one else has had to deal with either. I switched jobs yet again. I’m working. So it’s looking a bit brighter in that department. I hope I can keep the foreclosure notices from coming. I can’t lose this house. I won’t.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer about 2 weeks ago. It has spread all through her. She is home right now and hospice has been taking care of her…along with my brother & his wife. I have gone to see her a few times and I’m about to go there now. My daughters have been so helpful to her too. They are such beautiful souls. I couldn’t have asked for better daughters. They are so passionate and caring. All the teenage crap we’ve gone through together was/is just a moment in time that comes & goes and I see now that it tests all of us…makes us stronger. Or perhaps a bit numb to the turbulence to come in our lives. My mom is angry at me. Everyone is. So it makes it hard for me to go there. I don’t do very well when I feel that the whole room full of people don’t like me or want me there. But my mom has been given only 6 months maybe 8 and I don’t have much time left to say & do the things I need to so she & I will both have peace with things. I do love my mom. I know she did the best she could. I see now where I will be when I’m 80, if I live that long, and I don’t want to be alone because of the choices I made now or because of my anti-social nature or avoidance of conflicts. I am at a turning point in my life yet again. I am trying to put aside my issues and face the things I have avoided so that things change for me. Turning forty changed me. It changed me for the better I believe. But we shall see. I’m off to see my mom. And the rest of the clan that’s likely already there seeing that I’m always a day late & a dollar short these days. I’m still kicking ass though. I have to. And no, I have no special man in my life if anyone is wondering. They’re all special to me. 😉

May 14 2013 - my 40th bday