Ups & Downs

I’ve had a lot of ups & downs lately…nothing new…and nothing no one else has had to deal with either. I switched jobs yet again. I’m working. So it’s looking a bit brighter in that department. I hope I can keep the foreclosure notices from coming. I can’t lose this house. I won’t.

My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer about 2 weeks ago. It has spread all through her. She is home right now and hospice has been taking care of her…along with my brother & his wife. I have gone to see her a few times and I’m about to go there now. My daughters have been so helpful to her too. They are such beautiful souls. I couldn’t have asked for better daughters. They are so passionate and caring. All the teenage crap we’ve gone through together was/is just a moment in time that comes & goes and I see now that it tests all of us…makes us stronger. Or perhaps a bit numb to the turbulence to come in our lives. My mom is angry at me. Everyone is. So it makes it hard for me to go there. I don’t do very well when I feel that the whole room full of people don’t like me or want me there. But my mom has been given only 6 months maybe 8 and I don’t have much time left to say & do the things I need to so she & I will both have peace with things. I do love my mom. I know she did the best she could. I see now where I will be when I’m 80, if I live that long, and I don’t want to be alone because of the choices I made now or because of my anti-social nature or avoidance of conflicts. I am at a turning point in my life yet again. I am trying to put aside my issues and face the things I have avoided so that things change for me. Turning forty changed me. It changed me for the better I believe. But we shall see. I’m off to see my mom. And the rest of the clan that’s likely already there seeing that I’m always a day late & a dollar short these days. I’m still kicking ass though. I have to. And no, I have no special man in my life if anyone is wondering. They’re all special to me. 😉

May 14 2013 - my 40th bday

10 responses to “Ups & Downs”

  1. your a nice person relent the way you are, your prob the last person to notice but ive been smitten by your whole personality and im way across the pond unfortunately. you are a fight thats for sure and we all have ups and downs have them myself of late but its bouncing back! turn on the resilience and give it a go 🙂 sorry to hear about your mam and enjoy the time you have left with her as im sure you will xxx tansed (jm)


  2. You know, I (somewhat) know you from jmeet, you’ve always been nice and likeable imho. Recently found your blog here and have been following occasionally.

    Checking it out again tonight and, first, yer a very open and honest person. Not everyone is! nor is everyone even aware of what they are feeling / experiencing.

    My first feelings are, I hope everything works okay, the immediate future. Job, Mom, House, and others that you interpret to have negativity for you.

    Secondly, yer not alone, there are many of us that come from toxic families. It’s a wild and crazy world! It is! But don’t waste your life. You’re clearly a good person… don’t throw that away.



  3. Life always throws curves – sometimes low and away; sometimes high and inside – with our name written all over it. I think what always impresses me about you is that you constantly get back up, dust yourself off, and stand gritty, awaiting the next pitch. Whatever that quality is – it is obvious that your girls have that thread as well – and your ability to pass that on to them may be the most significant accomplishment of your life. I hope you know I am always a text or call away. I truly wish you blessings – as you proceed, as you cope with your mother’s illness, as you make steps toward a peace.


  4. “I don’t have much time left to say & do the things I need to so she & I will both have peace with things.”

    Isn’t it funny that people always feel they need to say or do something to make things “right” when they know that person is dying. I feel that we are all dying…every day….so the need to “make things right” is an every day issue. When it is an every day issue….ya never really have to make things “right” because it was never wrong in the first place.

    But like I said….isn’t it funny that people always feel…..etc etc.


    1. Wouldn’t the world be a rosy place if no one ever did any one wrong? But be realistic. At least I care enough to want to make amends, most people never take accountability for their behavior because they are selfish and rude and live life feeling entitled to whatever they want despite how it might hurt others. And what I am specifically referring to is nothing I did wrong, it’s my way of giving someone peace for how they’ve done me wrong. If anyone were keeping score, I’m winning. By a long shot.


      1. I was following you until the “winning” part.


  5. I’m sorry to hear about your mom. That’s got to be unimaginably tough. You’re doing the right thing by trying to make the most out of a cruddy situation. It shows great character. I’m sure that’s not going unnoticed by those that matter most (your daughters). It also shows how well they were raised by being there for you, and your mom, even through the drama. And as far as everyone else… don’t sweat them. It doesn’t seem like they’re there for you or your kids anyways, and that’s what matters. You try, you make an effort, only you will know when enough is enough.

    Stay strong through all this. And enjoy your new job. And 40. Sounds like your off to a strong start!


    1. Steve,

      Thank you…like always your comment brought me to tears and inspired me to try a bit harder to do right. I do appreciate your words so much and you always seem to know when I need them the most. Happy fathers day my friend.



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