So I’ve been really working hard lately on being a positive thinker. It’s not easy when all you’ve heard & known from everyone around you all your life is negativity. I can still hear the fights my parents would have when I was a kid in my head. “He’s a mean bastard”. “She’s a loose whore”. They would fight almost every day. The things that really stuck with me are how they behaved when the other wasn’t around when they were with friends or other family and didn’t realize I was listening so intently.
I have to say that for the last month, maybe longer, I’ve begun to see things in a more positive light. I feel better. I feel more on track now. I don’t know how much of it has to do with the fact that I no longer have my parents anymore. Or if it’s because I turned 40 a few months ago. Either way, I feel like things are falling into place for me finally. I’ve come to peace with being single and independent. I’ve embraced being a single mom with 2 teen-age girls. I’m happy with where I am right now. I have good people in my life now and they’re there because I allow them to be. I’m not worried anymore. I’m just happy. I’ve turned the way I’ve thought about things around so it works for me and doesn’t continue hurting me. When I thought at one point that things would never get better for me. Don’t get me wrong though, there are some things I’d still like to improve and in time I will get there too. There’s no doubt in my mind anymore that I will get there. On my terms.