Originally written February 2012 re: November 2011

A year and a half ago my boyfriend (of 4 years) and I broke up. Things were not going well for a while and I ended up meeting someone new. For a short time, I juggled both of them until I finally decided to end the long relationship. I struggled with that decision for a long time. He & I were very close, we became each others habit. I had wanted to stay clean and thought that a change of pace & surroundings would keep away the demons. That, coupled with my cats for steady companionship, I thought would be all I needed.

The new guy was not who I thought he was. We went back & forth, he got locked up and all of a sudden he was sweet & caring & telling me everything I wanted to hear. I ended up taking care of his loose ends out here, even going as far as getting his car running, getting it legal and selling it. I put the money in a separate account for him for when he got out. I put money on his books every month so he didn’t have to go without.  He was locked up for 6 months. We wrote every day. Talked all about our plans when he got out. About a month before he was released, his demeanor changed. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I sensed him withdraw. It scared me & raised my suspicion about his intentions with me. Since I used my money to keep money on his books for him, I started to wonder if he was one of those con-men that prey on women like me, so I confronted him about it. I was shocked at his reaction…anger? Why anger if I am asking if you have been using me for my money? If someone were to ask me something like that & I was innocent, anger wouldn’t be my reaction. I let the subject rest since his argument seemed realistic at the time. He said that he isn’t me & wouldn’t react the same as I would if I were in the same situation…it made sense…but it still didn’t seem right to me. So, a few days before he was released, I gathered together all of the receipts for things I had paid for with my money for him and I added it all up. It came to about $700. So I went to the bank where I had put the money from his car I sold & I withdrew it all. I kept my $700 and gave him what was left. Which was about $280. I packed up all his shit at my house in his duffle bag & I tucked the cash into a side pocket.

He would be out in a few days, he had no where to go. We agreed that he could stay with me as long as he didn’t do anything stupid. The next couple of days, I unpacked & repacked that duffle bag several times, unsure of what would happen once he got out. Unsure of what was really going on. I tend to always think the worst about things and a lot of times I am wrong about things…so I was just hoping that this would be one of those times. But of course, there’s always the chance that I am right.

I’ve never been to prison or jail. Only a couple speeding tickets throughout my life. I don’t know what it must be like to be locked up day after day, doing the same things over & over. Of course, I’ve watched LockUp on TV but seeing it on screen and living it yourself are two very different things. I will admit, I’m one of those girls that love a bad boy. The pleasure factor goes through the roof when I think of him being locked up. I had always, since I was a teen, fantasized about being in a relationship with a man that goes to jail for a time, we write everyday about everything under the sun and just build up the passion and excitement for each other for the day he’s released. The day he comes home I imagined the most mind blowing sex I could ever have with him. And from that day on, we live happily ever after and never take anything for granted ever again and love each other and make babies and life is carefree & easy because he’s not locked up anymore. Well…I should have just left that fantasy intact in my head forever because it was nothing like that whatsoever.

The six months were so much fun. I was laid off from my job and collecting unemployment. I got to spend the entire summer with my kids swimming and BBQing and catching up with old friends and playing with my beautiful cats. They were such a source of enjoyment & always made me smile when I would start to feel down. I am a cat lady, for sure. My cats mean more to me than almost anything or anyone else besides my kids. I took lots of pictures and videos of them playing out in the back yard. They love it when I would sit in the yard with them. As if I am just another playmate for them. They would really come alive. I could see it in their faces, when they would look at me, they were just so happy just to be with me. They knew my daily routine, I’d wake up at 6, make my coffee, they would all stampede into the kitchen with me and watch me as I would do the dishes and have some breakfast. We would go in the yard and water the flowers and they would watch the pots overflow and follow the water as it leaked over the patio. Their faces just lit up with innocent curiosity. So sweet. He & I wrote each other every day. I would go visit him on the weekends when I could.  I grew so close to him and I thought he did the same with me. I admit I fell in love. Well, the 6 months were up and the day finally came that he was released.

I arrived early in the morning to pick him up. I signed in & let them know I was there to pick him up. They told me to wait in the lobby for his name to be called. It was filled with other women, families there to pick up their loved one from their stay there. I was so excited to finally get to touch him again & hold his hand. I waited about an hour, they called his name & I went outside to get him. I saw him get out of the van and he came right over to me. We hugged and kissed and I sensed his urgency to get out of there so I let him drive and we were gone. Not 5 minutes into his freedom and he already says he’s got to make a couple stops on our way back to my house first. I was devastated. I didn’t want to start a fight, so I just let it go. He said they would just be quick ones and that would be the end of it and I believed him. Those 2 stops were the beginning of my Hell.

I realize that I have the control of who I allow in my life. I should have stopped it before it got so out of hand but it’s hard to let go of someone you love when they swear that they are going to change.



***to be completed at a future time***

***just wanted to clean up some of my rough drafts***

3 responses to “Originally written February 2012 re: November 2011”

  1. You have a good head and a kind heart and seem to have a keen awareness of how a relationship should be. Take a deep breath . . . . hold the air inside for a long time . . . then let the air out slowly . . . smile . . . remember who you are . . what you really want . . . and be willing to wait for it.
    A glass of red rum is a good thing. 🙂


  2. that was amazing. I worry about you….be safe and I would suggest you stick with the cats.


    1. I worry about me too. Thank you. 🙂


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