Today is the day I get to finally go in and clean out my moms place. It’s been six months since she died. I don’t know if it’s going to be an emotional thing for me? I do know that I had some disturbing dreams last night that woke me up uncomfortably. But she didn’t come to me, it was my Dad. I was in a new house. Well, the house was old but it was new to me and built over water. Not floating on it, just surrounded by water, seemingly built on stilts. But the floor was only inches above it. The water below was green and murky. Like our delta water, so I assumed that’s where the house was. I had a few friends there with me. They were helping me get settled. I sensed my Dad there and caught glimpses of him laying down in a large common room with low ceilings. He was on his side. Tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. When I walked up to him to find out why he wasn’t settled, he was drenched in sweat. He had a large glass full of water and he was using it to cool himself down by dipping in the straw, closing off the end of it trapping the water inside, then raising it to his face and letting the water run out all over his forehead. I realized just then how extremely hot it was around him and rushed to find the thermostat to shut off the heater if it were on. All the windows & doors were open and it was quite cold & wet outside. The heater was blowing non-stop. The next thing I knew was he was up walking around, stumbling, almost gasping for air. I panicked and woke up.
I have no idea what if anything that dream might mean. I am sure there is some correlation to what I am having to go do today. My Dad has been gone 14 years. And even typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes. I miss him and wish I could have that one last day back. But I can’t. I think cleaning out my moms house has more emotional crap tied up in the fact that my Dad isn’t here anymore rather than the fact that she’s gone. I don’t know. But I do know that I just want it to be over. I know there will be things today that are going to make me extremely angry and I hope that I have the ability and maturity to handle that moment with the class I learned from my Father. Although he was hot headed, I understand him more now that I myself become hot headed at times over things. It breaks my heart to realize that his personality & actions were because of his sensitive nature and the people that disliked him did so based on his reactions to being hurt by them or by people they associated with. He would shut you out mentally if you hurt him. And mistreat you the rest of your life just because he still had to deal with you but couldn’t let go of that hurt, so he made you pay. Subtly. But surely. I know my mom trapped my dad into marrying her because she wanted his money. And I believe my dad loved my mom but resented my brother and used him as his “punching bag” for the feelings he harbored for her gold digging ways. It must have hurt. We’ve all loved someone that didn’t love us back. Imagine that person pretending to love you and having your children, all the while, you build an empire for this family, making everyone very comfortable and secure. But behind your back she is badmouthing you to everyone, including your friends and neighbors and her own family. But in front of you, she is fake and you know it. You see how she behaves, you hear from sources the things she says. But to you, she loves you, and is there for you. But you know deep down what she is there for. How would that make you feel? I think it would be pretty painful to live with that. I see why he did what he did. I understand why he was angry & resentful. It wasn’t my brothers fault. It was my moms fault. I wish my dad would have been strong enough to leave her the way she deserved so that I wouldn’t have been born and my brother wouldn’t have been treated badly. Which all stems from my mother.
Obviously I’ve got some issues to iron out in my own head about the way I was raised. I just don’t want to get into another bad situation like I have so many times before because of it. I am not the gold digger. I’m the one that the gold diggers hope to find. I tend to sacrifice everything when it comes to relationships and I don’t want to do that anymore. Sometimes that’s easier said than done.