I’ve been meeting a lot of people lately, on my terms. I choose when to open a new dialog with someone and how far it will go once I get a feel for them. The more I meet, the more I seem to learn about myself. It’s become almost like a therapy session for me. Yes, the attention feels good temporarily but what I take from the conversations I have is a new awareness of myself. I see myself in some of the people I meet. Some of the traits I see mirrored back to me are normal, decent, safe, almost boring ones. Others, well, they’re not so normal or decent. Some are just plain annoying. The ones that really stick with me are the real train wrecks I’ve met. The disturbing part of it is the stories they tell me, where they are just rambling on about some of the craziest shit I have ever heard without even skipping a beat to stop long enough to assure me that this isn’t really how they are, is I can see myself, in the past, frantically telling a similar story of my own. Sometimes even worse. I can’t help but wonder if I was the reason, just from sharing my life stories with someone, that that person decided that I was a slow moving train wreck too? And they saw it coming and escaped just in time so they wouldn’t get caught up in the mayhem and destruction that might have happened at any moment. I was listening to the stories myself and I thought, have I ever sounded this crazy? I recognize the excitement and I understood how he was able to minimize it as if it was as normal as going grocery shopping on Sunday or pouring a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. Well, regardless of why anyone has left my life, what I have gotten out of meeting so many new people lately is gaining the ability to view myself and my actions as if I were on the outside looking in. You never see yourself the same way as others see you. Just like hearing your voice recorded, no matter how many times I hear it, it always surprises me because it’s not how it sounds in my own head. When I see my own actions reflecting back at me through someone else, it puts it in a different perspective and some of it I don’t like. Now that I am able to see it, I can change it. It’s easy. Had someone pointed it out to me, I would have likely ignored it & made it into something negative. I would have done just the opposite because no one is going to tell me how to behave. I’m stubborn like that. I may have heard the critic, but I don’t deal with criticism favorably and I would have defied the whole scenario.
Today, this morning, I made a point to watch Joel Osteen. I normally don’t remember in time to watch his program but for some reason, I thought of it today and caught the last 15 minutes of it for the first time in at least a year. His message today was about following your gut instinct on the decisions we all make, big and small. I have to say, what he said really struck a chord with me. I tend to have a hard time making decisions, big and small and I am constantly doubting myself. But the way Joel described the way decisions should be made made it seem so simple, as long as you can learn to trust yourself enough to know your instincts are never wrong. The hard part is believing in yourself enough and having the strength to deal with what is to come in that decision you make. I have some choices to make that are life changing and I have been putting them off because my gut says one thing, my heart says something else. I don’t want a lifetime full of heartache. I want to be truly happy and free and if I don’t listen to my gut, and I choose to go with my heart (or any other part of my body that seems to like making decisions for me sometimes) then I will surely regret that decision one day. I don’t like regret. I will do everything in my power to avoid feeling it.
Anyhow, I just realized, as I was sitting here thinking about how the whole day went, that it was really a life altering day where I feel I may have matured just a bit more. I like that. I can pick and choose what I allow people to see and the reflection I get back will never be ugly to me.
I am amazed at how easily people will blame others for their own actions. I have been the scapegoat for people’s bullshit all of my life. I am not a pushover. I just don’t give a fuck about what people think. I just think that it’s a chickenshit thing to do to blame someone else for something they had no control of or knowledge of. I guess people just do it to clear their own conscience. I have done it one time in my life and it sat on my conscience for longer than it should have and I made peace with the people it affected when I needed to. But what about the people that never make amends with it? What about the people that were affected negatively by it? I have let a lot of the things I’ve been blamed for go, but there are some things that continue to bother me. Things that have been said, that were lies, that no one else carries on their conscience for me. Things that made me lose friends and family. Do I stand up for myself and try mending the damage done or do I just move on with the knowledge that those people are weak & not worth a place in my life to begin with? I’m going with the latter. I don’t need or want weak people like that in my life.
I’m trying to come to a point in my writing where I have no filter. I want to be able to write about what is going on in my life in detail and not worry about hurting anyone’s feelings because the longer I keep it inside, the longer I allow it to do damage to my spirit. Placing the blame back onto the person and people that deserve it is what needs to happen, regardless if they ever read my blog or accept the blame. I need it off my chest. I don’t deserve it. I feel the longer I keep it in, the longer they win the war. I am no loser. I just don’t care enough about them to even want to play the game.
Last night, I went through a box from my moms things. It was an old shoe box labeled “Master Bedroom”. It was full of greeting cards that my mom had saved over the years. Mostly from the last 4-5 years before she died. It seemed like it was only ones she had collected from the time that she & her boyfriend started to see each other.
Speaking of her boyfriend, I should give a little background on him. He & my mom went to school together in Sacramento. They dated in junior high. My mom dropped out of school in 9th grade and lost contact with him. Fast forward 60 years and they ran into each other again at a funeral and instantly picked up where they left off. Except for one thing, he had a girlfriend and lied to my mom about it. Well, my mom was devastated and didn’t speak to him for another couple of years. Then his girlfriend died and he came crawling back to my mom and she was ok with it and he ended up moving from Montana to California and in with my mom. When he came here everything changed. My mom’s health declined, she stopped spending as much time with me and my daughters. He was always rude and just gave me a weird feeling like he was up to something. I even did a background check on him, which is not something I usually do, just because I felt he was no good. It came out clean, but really, those things can’t tell you everything you want to know. Anyways, he stayed with my mom until the end and then moved out of my moms place and in with his daughter in Sacramento. I haven’t spoken to him once since he left but now, I am feeling like I need to say a few words to him before he dies (he has lung cancer and was diagnosed a week after my mom died from it).
Which leads me back to what I found in that box of cards. As I was looking through the many birthday greeting, christmas cards and whatnot, I came to a stack of cards held together by a rubber band. I took the rubber band off and noticed they were all “In Sympathy” cards for my mom’s passing. None of which I had ever seen. I opened one after the other and read them. They were all addressed to Carl, or to Carl and my 2 girls. Not a single one of those cards mentioned me. These cards were from my Aunt’s and Uncle’s and cousins, and second cousins. People I’ve known, and assumed were my family, my entire life. But not one of them said anything about me. This morning when I woke up, I said something to my daughter about it and I burst into tears. I didn’t realize how much it hurt, to know that not one of my family members cared enough to let me know they were thinking of me during that time. And since then, not one of them have ever contacted me or anything.
So my question now is, I want to contact Carl, and tell him how I feel about him coming into my moms life & because of his dislike for me, he ruined my relationship with my mom which in turn turned my entire family against me and now, I have no one. I feel he needs to know what he has done and get this burden off my chest and on to his, where it rightfully belongs. Am I wrong?